newly single mom/very confused/long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
newly single mom/very confused/long
3
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 5:14pm

Hello

What do you single parents think and do you think that it's ok to do the FWB thing? This is a piggy back on a post a few months ago...only updated a bit. I am really hoping to get some opinions and I'm intuitive and know kind of what happened...however, the actions since are completely confusing and I'm even suprised by myself and my own reaction.

Here is a little background. A little over a year and ago I met someone and immediately there was an instant attraction and we both knew it and could feel it. At the time I was preparing to spit from my longtime ex-husband. For quite awhile we played the friends thing and really opened up to each other and challenged each other mentally as well. We were good friends and after about a year and my split happening…things went a little farther. He sat me down one night at dinner and said…”let’s talk about us”. He then said…we like each other but I would be a bad husband….I have a hard time attaching and trusting. I said that my ex was the only one I was ever with and that I didn’t need or want anything serious right now. He acknowledged that as did I and we basically said…let’s see what happens.

Here was his stance: As I said...he told me from the start that he would make a bad husband and that he really had trouble getting close. He basically said that he gets close and feels caged in and messes up. (he says he has tried many times and says that he was in love once and was left, never since) He states that he is scared of love and when we talked he said...maybe someday? "Let's just enjoy...see what happens". He also said that he was faithful to his ex. Even though he claims that he is a playboy? He jokes around that he's bad...but when I tell him that he's a nice guy hiding behind some image he creates...he says "yeah...your right". A lot of the things he has said in respect to all of that has been a contradiction?? Wierd....is he a "playboy" that just works on you for over a year and when he got what he wanted...he backed off 'cause I asked and never brought it up again. Why is he still concerned and being "friends" again but with apprehension??

Here is mine: I had no intention on going forward at first…I was just very flattered that there was mutual admiration and happy that I had a friend who was really concerned for me. He made sure that I was sleeping well or tried to….he treatened to take me to a shrink if I didn’t agree to go because of insomnia and a stomach ulser. He listened to things I had to say and he opened up quite a bit too. He had a pretty rough upbringing and he felt alone a lot…pretty much raising himself and I highly suspect there was abuse there…his father died when he was little and his mom was there but really didn’t raise him.
Needless to say…we got intimate and soon after I quickly figured out that I was just not capable of the casual thing and that I really cared about him too much to risk such a good friendship on something that was said to have no future….or “we will see what happens”. After a couple of months…he took me to dinner and wanted to talk because he felt like I was uncomfortable with things….he asked me where I thought it was going and what expectations I had. I told him that I didn’t have any at that point and also that I didn’t want to lose a friendship because we have some kind of connection and understand each other. He asked me after he asked what my expectations were if I was in love...I said, "it doesn't happen that fast". He acted wierd about that question...then he said he would be scared of that. He promised me that night that we would always be friends if I wanted it and he never makes promises…(he doesn’t trust)….but that night he made me one. Then we were together after dinner and I went home and it really hit me that I just couldn’t do that anymore on that premise. I am “the girl next door…really” and I am just not cut out for that.
So I e-mailed him that I wanted to talk and that I wanted to “fix” everything in my life and set it straight…especially for my kids. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 16 years and I know that it is just best to be alone awhile. I want to do it right. Anyway…that is what I wanted to tell him even though he already knew this about me…he never e-mailed me back. He didn’t ever even bring it up. He just backed off. He still calls sometimes..but less. He still e-mails me sometimes, but less. He is apprehensive to respond but still does...(I told him that I keep friends forever and that my friends will always, always mean a lot no matter what happens...and I've lived my life that way...even with my ex.) He still takes me out sometimes to see how I am doing and make sure I’m ok. Last time he took me out…he was shaking when he kissed my cheek goodbye. He even gave me the name for a good lawyer for the divorce and checks in off and on. Otherwise…he acts as if nothing ever happened….I confuse myself because I miss him….and I shouldn’t. I am confused by his actions and periodic “checking if I’m ok and doing things to help me”. What happened and why is he still doing those things…granted, I know we will be friends always…or so he and I said. It just feels weird and I’m confused about his feelings and mine?? Why is he still saying things like, "you look great" when I see him and "how are you doing", "how is your ex", I'm sure he's moved on to other things...I understand we're still friends...I don't know, I am so afraid that I messed up such a good friendship? What did he really want from me?? I am so new to this dating thing..especially since I didn't really much in the first place. I am confused by my own reaction as well...I don't want anything serious...why was I not ok with this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 6:12pm

Welcome to our board.

I think you found what most women find. Sex is a very emotional experience and women confuse the passion of a man fulfilling a physical need with love.

I am not sure what this man wants - if it is just to be friends with benefits. His behavior seems to stem from your email and a blow to his ego.

At any rate, I think you should decide a few things:

1) Do you really love this man and see a future with him? Is he really good for you or just filling in as a companion so you are not lonely.

If you think you would want a go for a relationship then you should plainly state your feelings - you want a relationship with the possibility of a commitment down the road.

If he does not want a relationship then you have to live with that, respect his decision and get over him. THEN I think you should spend some time alone to find yourself and develop yourself as a person. Take time to get over a LOT of years of abuse by your former husband.

By all indication it seems that all he wanted in the beginning was friends with benefits and you agreed. You should not beat yourself up - you were hurt and in a confused state and that is to be expected.

But now you are wiser and you have discovered your emotional needs. Do not settle, my friend, but put your stakes high. Find someone who is totally into you and cannot live without you and who will treat you like gold. Those men are out there - you just have to find them.

Keep us posted - I send prayers and good wishes. I am hoping that his "hurt ego" behavior is because he does have feelings for you and perhaps he is afraid of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 8:06pm

Here’s my two cents… I think FWB’s are ok. I am not a huge fan of them, but I am not against them either. I myself had one when I was newly separated and it was one of the best experiences for me at the time. But I had my head on straight and I did not develop feelings for the guy, outside of casual friendship or cross any lines. The FWB will NOT work if there are feelings involved. Mutual interests and respect for each other yes, but feelings always create problems, especially if they are one-sided.

I think you are not okay with this because you DO have feelings for this guy. There were already deep feelings of friendship and caring when you took it to the next level. That combination for a woman is lethal, especially when the man tells you point blank that he can’t give you more. Typically, the man sticks by what he says, but the woman moves into deeper emotional attachment and gets hurt when he doesn’t reciprocate.

You’ve done the right thing by trying to set it straight with him. He is avoiding the subject with you. Regardless of his actions, until he is actually sitting you down and telling you he wants to have a full relationship with you, don’t read into it that way. Keep trying to straighten it out. You may not like what he has to say or what the outcome is when you’re done talking, but it’s best for you to get some closure on this so that you can move on.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 11:31pm
FWB IS very difficult to maintain, but it's doable when it suits both of your styles. One of my girlfriend's is going through what you're going through right now...E's been her friend since before she got married (to someone else) and he's always had a problem with commitment and relationships. Which is exactly why I felt that she chose him when she wanted to get laid after her divorce. But then she fell in love with him. Whenever she calls, he's there to fix her computer or to spend the night, but he can't or won't give her more. And he gives her a lot of mixed messages because he just holds her tenderly like a man in love, etc. I think what he's getting is a lot of the perks of intimacy without having to have the commitment. And he's keeping the door open for the next time she (you) get lonely. The men I had FWB relationships with all were like that, uncomplicated, friendly and available. When I got into relationships, they would check in periodically to see if I had broken up yet, ask me about my bf and give me masculine advice. Maybe it's confusing because he's not a jerk? That would be easier to understand, right? He's been honest the whole time, he's not interested in something long term. I really don't think that you ruined anything! Everything is a learning experience. I think you learned that you can't separate sex and love. He's still your friend and he's trying to treat you properly. It's on you to set the boundaries...if you need no contact for awhile, do that.