new/need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
new/need advice
15
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:49am
I am having serious trust issues with my boyfreind of 8 months. Which I NEVER thought possible---

First off hello - I am a single divorced mom with 2 boys. I have been dating a guy for about 8 months now - whos divorce was recently finalized in January and he is 39.

Anyway here is the situation and my conflict of trust.

This guy first of all is wonderful to me( attentive, kind, patient , helpful - JUST great - what any girl could hope for) and to my kids and I get along well with his kids and we have been talking about making the next step in the relationship and possibly moving intogether - engaged - we just dont know but we have been TALKING abut making this change in the summer before the start of school next fall. Things were going great.

--- However - I am finding out that this man has some secrets and I am disturbed. - About a month ago I was staying over at his place and was on his computer where - he asked me to go into history file to get a website url to check out - well there I saw that he was looking at personal ads and quite a few of them - I approached him about it and he admitted he was curious- but not to worry about anything that is was nothing more than that. Ok fine I let that go (well let it go as far as ever talking to him about it) - THEN 2 days ago I am on his computer and trying to run a cd- and I go into his d drive to see that this man has spyware on his ex wifes computer and is reading her emails- ims and private conversations with her boyfriend - and I saw one of the emails which contained websites that he shared with ME that were sexual in nature (I did not bring this part up to him - only the fact that I noticed he is checking emails on ex wife) . I talked to him about this and his response again was not to worry - that he only has this because he is trying to find out $$ information about taxes that he feels she lied to him about or something of that nature. Well I am having a very difficult time with this. I love this man ALOT and am so hurt that I am doubting his love and fidelity already. I just dont know what to do and he really isnt doing anything directy to me - its this hidden stuff. But directly he is WONDERFUL with me

(I hope that makes sense) Anyone have any advice here??

Thanks

alex

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:20pm

Hi and welcome


I personally would have huge issues with this "sneaking around stuff".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:19pm
Love doesn't conquer all...I agree with Tara and suggest that you get rid of this guy. You've found out some very important things about him, the good and the awful.

Seven months is a pretty long time to be dating someone...you start to be in love at this point and he's still looking at profiles? 'for fun'?

Is he even over his wife...he says it's about the money...people who are done don't give a you know what over the money...they're so happy to be done with it all. I think the snooping thing in order 'to get a few extra bucks' from her is sick and twisted. He doesn't even have a sense of shame over this, like he's ENTITLED. Good character and morals are essential to a prospective stepdad. Dump him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:16pm
That is a violation of privacy, clear and simple. It's illegal. My ex did it to me when we were still married, and I almost sued his butt for a couple million. It's covered under the wiretapping part of the law in most states, and if he gets caught he's in BIG trouble.

I would never want to be with someone who would spy on someone for personal gain. He would do the same to you if the situation changed, you can bet on it. It's a lack of integrity in my opinon.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I speak from experience...it's a bad sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:33pm
Thanks - as much as I need to hear the truth and wanted to - still hurts ALOT. I am having a hard time - I want to address it with him and have him confirm that he will stop. Thinking that will resolve it but...will it? Now I will always wonder - now his image with me and my trust that I had is just simply gone... Im devistated
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:44pm
My SO had spyware on his wife's computer during their last year of marriage because he felt that she was lying to him about her infidelity and he wanted proof. Even though they had discussed it and she had told him she was not doing it and they were going to counseling, something still didn't sit right with him. Indeed, he found out that she was carrying on several online sexual "affairs" and making arrangements to meet these men in real life. That's when he went into her email and found information about her meeting men at work on her lunch breaks and having sex in their cars.

This was a "HUGE" breech of trust on both parts. She betrayed him, lied to him and deceived him, and he spied on her. I don't know which is the greater evil here...but I do know that if I had been is his shoes, I might have done the same thing. And so I can't dismiss someone solely based on this offense.

When you get involved with someone who is newly divorced, there is usually a lot of dirty laundry that still needs to get cleaned up. There are still feelings that need to be sorted out and there are still many twisted things that can happen between the parties. A perfectly wonderful guy can completely lose sight of the fact that what he is doing is pretty creepy. For this reason, we generally advise eachother to keep away from these guys because they have alot of work to do to become "normal" loveable guys again.

If you truly have feelings for this guy and "dumping him" or "kicking him to the curb" just doesn't seem right to you, then I would very firmly let him know that you are not happy with his behavior. Let him know that you think what he is doing is wrong and make him aware of your feelings about it. He is already divorced and he is still spying on her. This could be illegal (if the laws protecting US mail can be applied to email) and it most definitely is an invasion of privacy since they are no longer married. Also, it is disrespectful to you that he is reading about his ex-wife's sex life when he is now in a relationship with you.

If it had been a year or two since his divorce and he was doing this, I'd say definitely dump him. Right now, I'm not sure I would dump him just yet, but I would SERIOUSLY slow things down and DEFINITELY NOT move in with him. He still has some work to do...and I'd want to wait to make any big decisions until that's been accomplished.

just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:48pm
I understand how hard it is to think that your investment of 8 months and a lot of emotion might be something you need to give up. BUT, trust me, it's much harder after tying things up by living together, OR worse, after years of marriage.

And the fact that he's still "looking"...THAT would be the worst for me.

I would not stay with someone whose actions devastated me...period.

There is someone out there who will be wonderful for you, if you decide to start again.

I know you probably won't act on advice right away, you will have to convince yourself one way or the other.

Take care of YOU...no one else will.

((hugs))

Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:53pm
I completely missed the part about him still looking at the personals. After 8 months of being with this man, this would definitely upset me as well.

Neither offense alone would be enough for me to cut off all ties, but together, they make a convincing argument that HE is not ready for a relationship. And YOU are better off not having one with him.

Sorry about that.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:03pm

Couple of thoughts/comments here (For the sake of conversation)



  1. You said you would not stay with someone who devastated you...period. My thought on this is that NO ONE is perfect. J has devastated me before, and I've had to pick myself up, dust off, sort through the emotional relationship rubble and work toward restoration. I think that's what part of being in a relationship is about. This is absolutely going to happen at some point in any relationship, no matter how healthy and stable. Don't you think?

  2. (this is for anyone who commented on him looking at personals) You know, I personally HAVE looked at them, SOLELY for amusement's sake. I love J. There's no one else I want. But sometimes I am curious as to what kind of people are out there. And I've even (blush) looked at the personal's in my hometown area, just to see if I knew any of the lookers. Totally out of boredom. So, that is possible.

Those things being said, I do think Alexandria, that these are some red flags. I know how it feels to be shocked into finding something out about your b/f and it's so hurtful. Definitely I wouldn't continue discussion about moving in until you are in a place of complete trust again. And I can't tell you how to get there, or if you will. Only you will know as you begin sorting it all out.


Hugs

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:16pm
Hmmm, maybe we have a different definition of devastated? I was with someone who devastated me on a regular basis and I AIN'T going there again. :) Disapointed, yes, sure it happens...devastated, no.

And I still think the invasion of privacy is too scarey.

Ok, now we know you're a man watcher...LOL...your secret is OUT!

I guess how much he was on, and if she could tell if he was active...might make a difference. don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:19pm
OH, by looking I don't mean "looking at pictures" either...I mean corresponding with people, actively on the personals.

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