News...and need some advice.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
News...and need some advice.......
9
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:43am

First the news...you will all think I'm nuts, but I am getting married.

Kim

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:55am

First of all congratulations! That's awesome! I think it's great your getting married. 7days, 7months, 7yrs if you think this guy is the one in your heart, then go for it.

As for the other part. I wish I could help you, but I am the complete opposite. I say exactly what I mean and can get overly emotional, throw everything way out of proportion and have a awful temper. So saying that, I usually cause more trouble than it should be.

I am sure the ladies will have some great advice though.

Good luck, keep us in the loop with wedding plans and all. When is the date?

Big hugs,
catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:14am

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!!! Wahoo girl - we need to pour some champagne for you and celebrate.

I think your situation makes perfect sense.

You are undergoing the EARTHQUAKE of merging 2 lives and working with a man. But that is a good problem. I would rather have the chaos than live alone and you feel Wayne is Mr. Right.

Homework:
1) Read the book Men are from mars, women are from venus. You will see that it is a "man/martian" thing to be short and to the point. And for us to be sensitive. Women are made for nurturing men and children and men are made for killing mammoths and going to war.

My secretary has to deal with situations like this with her husband all the time. It sounds like the stories she just went through with the pool builder and the air conditioning man. Her husband wants her to do something and then he is not happy with the outcome and she is stuck in the middle.

Usually what she does is to not be put in the middle. She tells him that he is very smart and knows what he wants and that it is hard for her to replicate that so he has to do it. But she does retain a say and opinion - in fact he seeks out her opinion almost all the time. This is on matters he is good at - he is an engineer and he knows everything about houses, building, air conditioners, pools.

I am bringing up my secretary because I think she has one of the happiest (15+ years) marriages I have ever seen and I have learned a LOT from her. She is Columbian and I feel that Latin women are very skilled in relationships.

Your alliance has to be with Wayne, not Mark.

I would tell Wayne that you don't want to be in the middle but you do want to be involved in the decision making. I would also tell him how you feel - that you are sensitive and you do not like being shoved to the back.

Have you two discussed the arrangement of finances and who will handle them in your marriage? Is he good with money that you can just turn it over to him? This is an opportunity to figure out your financial compatibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:17am

Congratulations! It all sounds very exciting.

When I want to say something to my bf (something I have a hard time doing) I write in my journal (or I should say type). I get all my feelings out and write whatever feels good to write. This way I get it all out without saying anything I regret. Sometimes I do it over a couple of days as my feelings change or new ideas emerge just from writing. Then, when I'm ready, I pull from the best of what I've written (and sometimes from discussions with my therapist of course). I try to keep my sentences very short and to the point, that way I feel I am speaking 'his language.' When I've wanted to know where our relationship is headed, I could go on for 20 minutes explaining how I feel. When I actually say something to him it might sound like, "Do you envision a future with me?" End of sentence, bite tongue, wait for response.

I think the communication textbook would say that you should tell Wayne, "I was happy to call Mark because it sounded like a good idea and I trust his advice, but I don't want to tell him we won't come see him using the reasons you gave. I really don't know much about finance and I feel you are the better one to be handling this. I feel initially you wanted me to take charge but I feel lost now and I'm not sure what exactly my role in this process should be. I also don't want to hurt my client relationship with Mark, so what can I tell him about why we aren't setting up an appointment that seems nice and makes sense?" But maybe that sounds too dorky.

In any case, since Wayne knows more about finance then it makes sense he be the one to handle the details, just talk to him and tell him you want that. Be sure that you aren't cut out of the decision making. Once he's figured out what will work best, he should sit down and explain to you in english the terms, interest rate, payment, etc., and you should jointly agree to sign the deal only after you both know what you are agreeing to. I don't think the problem is that you are oversensitive and he is to the point, but the stewing and refusing to talk to him about how you feel will become a problem if you don't address it. I hope this helps!?!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:31am

TELL US THE STORY!!

How did you meet? How did he propose?

And one more question - how did you know he is the right one?




Edited 1/26/2005 11:36 am ET ET by west1745
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 12:04pm

CONGRATULATIONS on the upcoming marriage Kim!!! Holy cow. How unexpected was that???? ;)


Ok, you're not going to love what I have to say. But I am going to say it anyway.


BE CAREFUL! I am dealing with a DH who is the same danged way. And not only about things like what you pointed out, but MOST things when I have to talk to him he is disrespectful of me and my opinions. He KNOWS it all and it makes our life very difficult. Things from buying a car/home to disciplining Tyler to deciding what kind of items to buy for the house are ALL issues. I am big on coming to agreement and meeting in the middle. My dh is hard to work with because he, simply put, thinks his ideas are best and has little regard for other peoples opinions/thoughts/feelings.


I would be very angry if he mistreated a friend of mine like that and made assumptions as to someone else's intentions.


How do you speak up for yourself? You just DO it. You respect yourself and know your own boundaries and enforce them. Start doing this now. It's harder to learn later. Don't follow Wayne's lead. It doesn't matter who knows more about finances, he still needs to be respectful of you and your opinions/thoughts. I don't think you're being oversensitive and I hope you don't dismiss your own feelings as that. You do know how you feel and that is all you need to know to speak up for yourself. I know it's hard, but practice makes perfect.


I am learning this the very very hard way.


Hugs. I hope he's respectful of your feelings and realizes he can't just walk all over people in this life without considering other peoples feelings.


Is this a second marriage for him? Do you know what happened in his previous relationships/marriage? I think this is very important. Are you planning premarital counseling?

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 12:07pm

I write in my journal (or I should say type). I get all my feelings out and write whatever feels good to write...Then, when I'm ready, I pull from the best of what I've written


I've begun doing this too. It's VERY helpful. And then when I am ready to talk to J, I say "I need to talk to you about something. I am going to try very hard to NOT be emotional with you and I am asking you to please set aside defense and hear me out"


The times when I say that first, it goes best. SOmetimes I forget. And when I do, the combination of my emotion and his defense escalates into very nasty fights. Ugh.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:01pm

Hey Kim
I haven't been on the board too much lately so I just saw this! Congrats! That is awesome news.

I am not sure how you learn to express what is bothering you. That has never been a problem for me. But I do advise that you must learn how before the nuptials. These communication problems (as I know many of us will tell you) are killer!
Hugs
Tara

 

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 5:48pm
I know it's a dreadful thing to ask and I know you would make everything work out what you possibly could work out, but, have you ever thought what you would do if you left him? Would you stay with J, just because of the baby, or would you consider that being alone with the children might be best? I know this is very personal, but I had to consider the same when I was pregnant with Nina. I ended up leaving. The misery was just to much on Alex and my pregnancy was so hard due to the stress with Harry that in the end, when I did deliver Nina, I was really ready to let go of him. I just couldn't do it anymore, his selfishness was just toooooooooooooo hard on me. I often get sad about what happened, even 4yrs later, but I don't regret the choice I made.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:59pm

I am sorry you are going through this now.

Is there any way you two can take a break and go on a trip or weekend getaway together? Someone can take care of Ty?

You have had so so so much stress in your life - from the miscarriage a while back to Ty's health problems and now the high-risk pregnancy. I really think you need some time away with J to reconnect. Do it now before the baby comes!!

HUGS!