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| Wed, 12-26-2007 - 12:46am |
Well girls, I have to say it again.
After a very difficult week, I had to call it quits for MA. A bunch of yellow flags turned out to be too many red flags for me. I can try to sum it up - I am tired and tired from all of it.
First of all, I feel he is very desperate for a wife and has been way too pushy with the amount of time he wants to spend and with that topic in general. Although he is 45 and never married, he desperately wants to be married. And I feel he has said I love you way too soon. He also gave me gifts he had been saving for a future wife and it just flipped me out. They were not personalized for me at all.
IN addition to this he has some real communication issues. I think he has the dating part down pat. But he is unable to empathize or listen to someone else and interact with them. Plus he does a lot of socially inept things. I don't think he wants to come across as an insensitive jerk but he does. I feel he was also very selfish about wanting me to do favors for him when I am busy and had cooked a lot. It just felt like one big intrusion.
It is sad because we are two quality people who have a high school history. And with this in mind I really tried my very best to communicate with him but felt like the tree in the forest that falls and no one hears her.
DS just left and so I am going to focus on cleaning the house and getting work done and getting better - I have a bit of a cold.

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OMG Judy! I'm shocked to hear this, too! But to read all about the things that added up to him being Next'd... I totally understand. It would drive me nuts, too! Especially the part where he doesn't HEAR you, and the guns.
My ex asked me before he took the kids for the holiday week, what I thought about them taking the kids hunting, and teaching them to shoot. I told him that while I can't stop him from doing what he is going to do anyway... I didn't agree with it. I thought they were both still too young for that, and didn't think they would get any fun out of it. I told him I thought it would scare the cr@p out of them. So whether he heard me and didn't take them hunting or not, I'm not sure. But I think they did skip it. It seems like everytime I talked to them, it was just computer or video games that they were doing, not out hunting. But yeah- I know there are kids out there who hunt at a very young age, but I don't think EVERY kid would like it or even WANT to do it! Just because it was MA's passion... doesn't mean every male around him would, or should.
I'm so sorry, because I know it all started out so well, and you guys seemed to get along in so many ways! But I'm also glad that you are aware of the red flags (yellow ones, too) and didn't just rush into throwing your life into this man, even if he was willing to throw his life into you.
Camo nightgown?!?!? Is that just SOOOOO not you, or what?!? And I haven't even met you, and I know enough to know that THAT is NOT you!
And just tell MA that buying a woman something from VS is NOT the kiss of death for a relationship. Hiker's purchased several things from there for me (as I have for myself, too) but we're still dating. What a warped thing for MA to say! Like NONE of anything could be his problem, but the fault of VS?!?! Where is HIS sense of responsibility in this??!
I guess this kind of thing would make all of us even more wary of the 40+ man who has never been married...
Sucks to break up this time of year... but it would suck more if you stayed in it, and kept on going on, unappreciated and unheard and unnoticed. That's not a relationship, either.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Ugg.....I am so sorry that you have to go through this - especially on Christmas.
Wow, CLwest, while I am so
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Judy,
I'm sorry that you had to end it. I know it was a VERY hard decision for you, but you DID try to communicate all of your feelings/ thoughts/ needs/ ideas to him, and he was unable to listen.
Hey Steph, thanks for the kind words. And yes - I do feel strong and that it is his loss.
I just got back from my alumni event - it was our HS Xmas party. MA is not there because he really doesn't attend those things all that often and he is out of town.
I wore the expensive hot dress I had bought to attend a wedding with MA this weekend - didn't want to let the outfit go to waste. I did tell some of my friends the story and they loved that I was happy and smiling and wearing that dress. I talked to a lot of people I haven't seen in a while and they get together to do fun things and so we will keep in touch and get together more.
I feel happy now and not stressed and very relieved I made that decision!
Thanks, Shrimps!! I love what you write as usual - it means a lot that you picked up on the VS thing. MA is just not focussed on any of the right stuff. I think he is very brilliant as an engineer but certainly not in the relationship department. I think we should send him back to first grade on that class!!
AND no - I am so not wearing a camouflage nightgown. I am working on one of the online catalog companies to see if I can exchange it for a dog collar or a pair of hiking shoes. LOL!!
He was mad at me because my first letters indicated I was trying hard to work things out but the emails went south so fast I wanted to end it and I did. I think I took him by surprise.
He is not emailing me or contacting me anymore. The only thing we have left to do is give him back some stuff he left at my house. I did suggest that we wait a few weeks to do that so we can cool off and walk away as friends.
Of course the type A me wants to send it all to him now and not deal with this anymore. But since we do have some of the same friends I think I am going to chill and try to be good.
Thanks for your kind words. At least my frustration can turn into more good examples to share here.
The funny thing is that I seem to have a propensity to meet guys who are emotionally unavailable and never have time. This one is the first I have experienced who wanted to just be married like this and spend too much time and do everything too much too fast too soon. I have watched others struggle through it - and now I have a keen awareness of what they went through. And I don't want to repeat it!!
Thanks, Alison!! I think the only reason I had so much patience is because we did have the history of going to school together. And he did come from a really great family and he is really smart and gifted. There were a lot of positive checks here. I guess too, that I was trying to be patience since he is an older and never married one. But I don't think I am going to be so open minded on that little detail now. Not at my ripe old age of 45.
My friend who set us up was at the alumni party and she was so mad at him - I gave her a small story. That is sort of tricky because I don't want to blab a lot of negative stuff and ruin my networking ability with the alumni events. But she was so understanding. She joked that she doesn't get to be the flower girl!! Of course I wanted to choke her - but I said NOT YET! We have to find a worthy groom first and that could take us til we are 100!! LOL!!
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