NEXT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
NEXT
76
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 12:46am

Well girls, I have to say it again.

After a very difficult week, I had to call it quits for MA. A bunch of yellow flags turned out to be too many red flags for me. I can try to sum it up - I am tired and tired from all of it.

First of all, I feel he is very desperate for a wife and has been way too pushy with the amount of time he wants to spend and with that topic in general. Although he is 45 and never married, he desperately wants to be married. And I feel he has said I love you way too soon. He also gave me gifts he had been saving for a future wife and it just flipped me out. They were not personalized for me at all.

IN addition to this he has some real communication issues. I think he has the dating part down pat. But he is unable to empathize or listen to someone else and interact with them. Plus he does a lot of socially inept things. I don't think he wants to come across as an insensitive jerk but he does. I feel he was also very selfish about wanting me to do favors for him when I am busy and had cooked a lot. It just felt like one big intrusion.

It is sad because we are two quality people who have a high school history. And with this in mind I really tried my very best to communicate with him but felt like the tree in the forest that falls and no one hears her.

DS just left and so I am going to focus on cleaning the house and getting work done and getting better - I have a bit of a cold.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:07am
Thanks, Liz, it is so nice of you to pop in and offer support. I know the convent is warm and cozy and I am so so slipping back in for a bit. I will make tea and cookies for all! LOL!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 9:22am

Holy Smokes, Judy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 9:40am

Thanks, Moon. I really appreciate your kind words!!

I meant to mention more about the guns. My dad used to shoot skeet when I was young and I did always have the job of refilling the cartridges and sometimes accompanied him when he went on the range. My uncles had them for hunting and I have dated guys who had them when I lived out west in my 20s. I have a dear HS friend who shoots all kinds of things on his weekends away and probably would not mind him taking DS on a trip if DS wanted to go when he gets older.

However, I have not had any sort of "contact" with them for a while and after reading all of the school shooting stories I generally do not want them in my life and especially with a kid. We recently had a big problem with bb guns on our street and none of the parents here allow them anymore. DS's dad does NOT like them - maybe it was after dating and marrying him I became more anti-gun.

But MA's collection was quite over the top - I mean we are not talking a hunting rifle or handgun like most people would have. He has a special license to collect them and there are MACHINE guns in that collection - literally weapons of mass destruction in my mind. He has the pictures of them and the stories behind each one in a huge PDF file that he emailed. And for him to suggest using any of these for a child never mind so pushy when we have only dated 2 months just disturbed my whole psyche!

But as my stories show, MA is not capable of seeing my point or feelings on this matter, acknowledging it, empathizing with it or respecting it!

With regards to his hope chest - I am not sure what is in it. I just know that whenever he travelled he always bought something for his future wife.

One of the funny things as I mentioned earlier in this thread is that I did give away some of the presents to my babysitter/helper/friend who is in her 20s. She adores the college bag because it is for her bf's favorite college football team. But when she took those things home her mom, whom I dearly love and has done a lot for me, was aghast. She said what in the world was he thinking! She was also aghast at his potato comment.

Edited to add: I really feel MA has a mental disability of some sort of being a genius with math/computers and engineering and he desperately wants to be a good husband and have a wife who will take care of him. But he is unable to acknowledge or empathize with someone else. He was upset that I was upset and could not fix it. He really was. But at the same time he was upset that I made him feel insensitive. It is really too much for me - I think he needs help. Although I think he will just avoid the VS store rather than try to fix his communication problems. It was a valuable learning lesson for me and I will SURELY watch the way someone communicates with me in the future - if I saw this sooner it would be better to lose less time.




Edited 12/27/2007 10:13 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 10:47am

Judy, I really don't think you can ding yourself for

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:27am

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you! But aside from that, what are you going to do now? Maybe it's time to take the advice you gave me and put up the dating shoes for awhile. It seems you have been going from one thing to the next since the fireman. Your thoughts?


I stopped dating in the summer and now I'm dating someone I really enjoy. Hard to say where it will go, but things have been nice for almost two months and I just try to take things day by day now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:03pm

Hey Cat - good to hear from ya! Tell us more about your guy!!!

As for me - I am having fun on my own and will see what the new year brings. I am not online - so no worries there. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:30pm
I was quite surprised to read this, but am so glad you saw yellow changing to red. It's so odd to meet someone you feel a connection with and then the relationship totally goes south. And, like your alumni friends, I am so glad you attended the XMAS party wearing the dress. KUDOS to you on that one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:47pm
Thanks, Emma! I had so much fun at my party. Our class actually had one of the biggest turnouts and all of my girlfriends were there. We exchanged email addresses and phone numbers and are going to get together again. It is a fun and diverse group. And that is what I really like - just to get out of the house.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:47pm

well, not being online right now is definitely a plus.


Not much to tell about my guy "nascar". He's an IT -techy for NASCAR that's why the nickname. He's 4 months older then I am which is great. Was married, but has been divorced for 3 years now. She chose her job over the marriage and he thinks that because of her job traveling, may had an affair. No kids. Nor does or did he want any of his own, but likes kids.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 1:54pm

For me I come down to a simple formula for compatibility, she has to have the same core values as me, that she has a similar lifestyle and that she is at a similar life stage.

I know that most of us agree on the name of the core values such as honesty, integrity, respect, kindness, empathy, listening, etc. I also know that we show them in different ways and apply them inconsistently. I look at myself and look at others for how they live them.

Lifestyle compatibility is something you have bumped up with MA where his lifestyle of guns is 180 degrees away from yours.

Life stage is if the person is newly divorced, or a young mother, or retired, or widowed, or an empty nester. Each kind brings about a different view to life and what they want out of it and that needs to match me.

Take care and good for you for taking care of yourself and DD.

Mark
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May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






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