NEXT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
NEXT
76
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 12:46am

Well girls, I have to say it again.

After a very difficult week, I had to call it quits for MA. A bunch of yellow flags turned out to be too many red flags for me. I can try to sum it up - I am tired and tired from all of it.

First of all, I feel he is very desperate for a wife and has been way too pushy with the amount of time he wants to spend and with that topic in general. Although he is 45 and never married, he desperately wants to be married. And I feel he has said I love you way too soon. He also gave me gifts he had been saving for a future wife and it just flipped me out. They were not personalized for me at all.

IN addition to this he has some real communication issues. I think he has the dating part down pat. But he is unable to empathize or listen to someone else and interact with them. Plus he does a lot of socially inept things. I don't think he wants to come across as an insensitive jerk but he does. I feel he was also very selfish about wanting me to do favors for him when I am busy and had cooked a lot. It just felt like one big intrusion.

It is sad because we are two quality people who have a high school history. And with this in mind I really tried my very best to communicate with him but felt like the tree in the forest that falls and no one hears her.

DS just left and so I am going to focus on cleaning the house and getting work done and getting better - I have a bit of a cold.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 11:56am

Just got online this morning since we're taking today off from skiing-way too crowded- and I was shocked to see this post. Last thing I expected. Wow, so sorry, Judy, that things turned out this way. As you well know, it does take a few months to get past date behavior to the real person. From what you write it does sound like MA has been single so long he hasn't developed that ability to adjust to another person in his life. You aren't the fantasy woman in his mind as his wife, you are a real person with your own beliefs, likes and dislikes.

Funny, but really bad Xmas gifts are such a telling thing. It's like this is what I want you to have because I expect you to be the person I want you to be. And leaving the thong girl things around YOUR house-sheesh. His response to your breakup notification is very telling. He sounds very resentful, granted no one likes getting dumped, but he could have been gracious for his own self respect.

Empathy is a huge deal for me after 30 years with someone incapable of that particular emotion. MA does seem to have issues in that department. Certainly a key in understanding why he is still single. Glad you cut it off when you realized the red flags added up to a NEXT. (hugs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 12:15pm

"I really feel MA has a mental disability of some sort of being a genius with math/computers and engineering and he desperately wants to be a good husband and have a wife who will take care of him. But he is unable to acknowledge or empathize with someone else. He was upset that I was upset and could not fix it. He really was. But at the same time he was upset that I made him feel insensitive. It is really too much for me - I think he needs help. Although I think he will just avoid the VS store rather than try to fix his communication problems."

As I'm reading through these posts this one really jumped out. Judy, you dodged a bullet here. This is PsychoBoy to a T. Only PsychoBoy got mean with age. Brilliant when it comes to science, medicine, but socially and on the relationship front a freaking disaster. He gave me that frying pan so that I could jump up and make him an omelet for Xmas breakfast! Most of his gifts were things he thought I should want not things that had anything to do with the person I am. And if I complained about his insensitive behavior, I was the one in the wrong because I made him feel guilty.

Glad you moved on. You gave it a good try and the reality of who MA is got in the way. Good for you that you dealt with the reality, not the "if only x y z".

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 1:21pm

OMG. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that with Psychoboy - and I can't thank you enough for relating to my story and speaking these kind words. The frying pan story just rang the bell - it is like they want a mommy or indentured servant instead of a partner.

I really feel okay now - I felt that I am not desperate and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me AND who makes me happy - and this one does not cut the mustard with regards to his inability to empathize and communicate and his intensity and issues. I feel good about trying but also know when to cut the cord when it is not right for me.

Today I was out swimming in the ocean with all of my friends - the weather is so beautiful here now. Our swim coach wanted to teach everyone to swim in the ocean in preparation for a race coming up - and it was fun for me because all of us triathletes took off and beat the better swimmers who are usually faster in the pool because we are more used to the waves and the open water. We all went to breakfast afterwards. There is a guy in our group who is 71 and he just finished the Ironman Australia - he was telling us his story. He is so fit and fun - we all want to be like him at that age. I am truly blessed to have such a fun set of friends.

So, girls, (and guys), yours truly is happy as always. I am going to focus on my son, my business and my training and on getting out of the house to stay social. My alumni friends are going to get together to do stuff, my fitness friends are getting together for fun things and I have the rest of my life to find someone - it does not have to be tomorrow, it only has to be right for me. My son is on the volley ball team as well and so I will have fun with that. It is all good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 1:23pm

Well, we passed the dating test - but we did not pass the relationship test. No worries. Just more stories for everyone :-)

The next one is always better. So, I say, NEXT!

Someone was telling me that there is an MTV show called NEXT - I will have to watch that one - LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 3:04pm

Ugh-


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 1:40pm

Well, ya know what.............good for ya!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 6:21am

Yes - I think you are right in that the adjustment to go from single to married and then back to single is huge - and he never had the social skills to go from dating to relationship never mind living with someone else or married!!!

I found another one of his prank cubes with the pictures of girls in thongs in my pantry. Which ticked me - because if DS was here he might have found that. And when I was in the grocery store buying tomatoes I remembered another thing he did to annoy me. When we would shop he would examine the produce I put in the cart and rearrange the cart as we shopped. I know he was trying to be helpful - but he irritated the heck out of me with that and told him to stop but he kept doing it. That is just one more example of something socially inept that you don't do to other people and especially someone you just met never mind someone who was a chef!! AND the real killer is that I was paying for the produce - it is not like we were shopping for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 10:19am

"....met never mind someone who was a chef!!"


LMAO..I really like this one. I am picturing you both walking in the grocery store and you being angry inside and giving him those killer looks and him still continuing to examine everything you put in the cart.


I think with these 40+ unmarried men they tend to overdo somethings.. I can give an example with my guy.. Although he hasnt done anything that totally ticks me off and he knows if I tell him just once.


I love to cook and he is always ready to help. I dont have a dishwasher currently (I hate to do dishes) and he would ALWAYS volunteer to clean my dishes if I was getting ready to cook. I didnt want him to do that in the beginning but he feels that since I am doing something for our dinner he has to help and that part is okay..I find that very helpful.


But then his speed of cutting vegetables is slower than mine and sometimes he tries to help me by cutting veges although I tell him that I will do it..since I can do it faster he REALLy wants to help when I cook. I have to say that sometimes when I am making 3 separate dishes at the same time I like to have some space in the kitchen more than help..lol.. So I politely tell him, thanks now you can go and do something I will take care of the rest.. SO this tendency to help to the end is new for me.. atleast I havent seen other men who would INSIST on helping so much. And oh he always ALWAYS make sure my sink is clean once we are done with dinner since he knows I get lazy in the morning..


And when we shop for groceries he ALWAYS insists on paying since he has dinner at my place many times and so now I a days we go to two different stores and I get vegetables and he gets the rest of the stuff or vice versa since it is waste of time to go to same place together and with all this stupid snow here.


So I think all these 40+ men may be feel like they need to care more when they suddenly find someone in their life or this is just how he is... I dont have complaints so far about my guy except that sometimes I have to tell him that I CAN INDEED do all these by myself and I worry that he will spoil me by helping out so much..lol... But MA does sound little over the top and irritating..


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 1:55pm

Wow...I was so shocked to read this, Judy. And so sorry. But after reading through your posts, I get a clear feeling as to why you had to end things. The writing was on the wall, and you are so wise to read it.


I too get a sense from what you right about MA not able to "hear" you. Not able to empathize and really understand your points of view. And that is crucial in a relationship, not that they have to be just like you but at the very least they need to understand and respect your views! I am truly sorry things did not work out. But I am so happy that you have such a great head on your shoulders to know what is right for you.


You're a wonderful example for us here, knowing what makes you happy and not self sacrificing. I am so proud of you, watching and reading and learning from your example! You Rock, girl..and from reading your posts I am positive that you WILL find Mr Just Right For CL WEST.


And Camo PJs??....Uhhhh, I think I coulda NEXT-ed him for that alone, LOL. BTW some men are down right intimidated by VS...God forbid a woman should look sexy AND confidant AND beautiful!!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:01pm

Thank you Pacific. And no worries - I was not clinging to him like he is the last one. I realize that what I want is a top quality person who treats me well and blends nicely with my life - and I have time - so it is all good. With him I felt like I didn't exist - have never felt that way before. I really am not bad because I feel there is something wrong with him and he is not capable of communicating effectively - it is like there is a wire miswired or something.

There are more chapters to come, girls. 2008 is going to be a good year for me.

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