NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
NEXT!
35
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 11:06pm

OKay - I am now in the next boat.

We had our first real disagreement which ended up with the towel thrown in now.

Monday he had off from work and stayed around his house. Tuesday he is with his son to take him to the gym for 2 hours. Wednesday we are supposed to get together for dinner. He has been coming very late on Wednesday and so we had a talk and he said he would come earlier. He always gets off from work early. But seems to get very stuck at his house - I think on his computer.

Anyway, he left his house late AGAIN which is annoying to me. On a school night that is a pain for us to have to eat late and I am the type of person that likes to be on time or at least a little close.

Apparently he is out of sorts - he comes in and has to dry his clothes and fix all of his water bottles and other odd chores. But the big biggee was that he was dressed so sloppy I really didn't like that in front of my son. I guess that was a night he should have stayed home. So I decided to write him a note saying how all of this made me feel. That I want someone who wants to be early and be a part of our lives. Not coming late and busy with all of their chores.

Because I am a very busy single working mom and don't want another kid.

So, he ended it. And I am not sad. I had fun while it lasted. But this shows me that he does not have what it takes to get his life and act together and be around me and DS. That he only wants the fun.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 11:24pm

Holy Moly, woman!!!! Now that surely came out of the blue...


I'm so sorry! I know you guys were getting along so well, and for THIS to happen all of a sudden?!?? I am feeling bad for you!! It doesn't even seem like what you broke up over was all that much of a dealbreaker. Maybe it was more, but you had to be there to see how big it was. But just reading your post, it seems like it wasn't a huge thing... or maybe I'm missing something.


Sending some major cyber-chocolate,


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 11:34pm
I know Shrimps. We were doing good last week - LOL!! But I started feeling taken for granted and did not like that he came so late and looking so sloppy and the whole evening was all about him getting his chores done at my house and not really helping me or being a part of my evening. I think he has a time management problem. I felt I had every right to mention that it bothered me and I worded it all about me so he would understand how it makes me feel. Maybe he just took it the wrong way? We had a lot of good things in common. But he may feel put off by my life successes as compared to his - I don't know. I just know that if someone is not willing to hash out such a small detail then they are not worth my time and I am not contacting him or going in agony over this one. It is ridiculous really.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 11:45pm

I believe that in order to be truly intimate that I and my partner can work through our differences. I have walked and my past partners have walked away when things became too hard. I yearn for someone that is willing to hang in there (and visa versa) even when things become painful or angry. I know this is not easy and it will be inevitable when the stars are gone from our eyes. I also know this is what I crave for, for my own personal growth for that realness, that deeper intimacy.

I am not commenting on you. I was reflecting on me based on your posting. You have found a fundamental difference between you two that is a deal breaker. A good learning and a good experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 12:00am

Oh Judy ((((HUGS)))


I know that you liked him, but had too many reservations against it going long-term, so it's for the best!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 12:04am

I'm so sorry. Isn't it weird how one minute your "here" and the next minute your "there". You said this was your first disagreement? Maybe he doesn't know how to express himself well during disagreements and just threw in the towel. I'm kind of like this, I gotta walk away from it and take time to gather my thoughts.

Hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 12:13am

Well this certainly was a shocker.


If he will throw in the towel at the very first bump - and it was a small one at that - then he's not capable of even the most basic relationship.


Dang.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 7:21am

Maybe that is why he is 45 and never married!!!!!! LOL!!

I do not have any regrets. I am very proud of myself for being able to set a boundary and communicate a problem in a nice manner. I really expected him to say he was sorry for being late and maybe he should come here straight from work or not at all on a school night. But he looked at it like a personal attack and that he is so stressed from his life and doing all he can and it wasn't enough for me - and maybe he felt that he can't contribute that much because I make more money and have a lot more to show for my life including a much bigger house and that bothers him. And maybe that is why I have been having such a "I can't ever see getting married again" attack on this board? I cannot respect that he is so stressed from his life because I get so much more done in a day - although I never said that I did think that. And now that I remember, he had 3 days off this week - he took an extra day so he could go to the dentist.

I am not going to just be quiet when someone is that late and is a burden for the evening. I think what happened is that he usually comes when DS is not here. And he is usually late - he is late for everything. And usually I overlook it and just get more work done. But when DS is here that is a pain to eat so late. And I don't like a man that waltzes in late and doesn't help me even clear the table and is so into his own chores and doesn't take the time to look nice for us - his clothes were old and ratty and didn't match - and I hated that in front of my son. I think he just didn't get his laundry done.

But - whatever! This IS what dating is about - you have to get to know each other over time. I am not hurt or crying over this one. I was holding my heart back and although I did enjoy his attention and the good times, I know that if you can't discuss the things that bother you and find a solution that is amicable for both then you can't have a relationship. Because we are not magically programmed to have ESP to know what makes each other happy or sad or mad. If I am doing something annoying I want to know and I make the best effort to fix it. I do hope the other person communicates his wants and thoughts in a positive manner. And I offer the same in return.

And to Alison's answer - yes - I am back on match.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 8:29am

I'm sorry he didn't feel it was worth talking about- but surely there's an underlying reason.


Whether there is or not, I'm sorry to hear it has ended.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 1:41pm

While I know you had fun with him, you knew it wouldn't last: he's just not at the same place in life or with the same priorities as you.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 2:01pm

Absolutely: if you can't discuss the things that bother you and find a solution that is amicable for both then you can't have a relationship.

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