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| Fri, 09-28-2007 - 11:06pm |
OKay - I am now in the next boat.
We had our first real disagreement which ended up with the towel thrown in now.
Monday he had off from work and stayed around his house. Tuesday he is with his son to take him to the gym for 2 hours. Wednesday we are supposed to get together for dinner. He has been coming very late on Wednesday and so we had a talk and he said he would come earlier. He always gets off from work early. But seems to get very stuck at his house - I think on his computer.
Anyway, he left his house late AGAIN which is annoying to me. On a school night that is a pain for us to have to eat late and I am the type of person that likes to be on time or at least a little close.
Apparently he is out of sorts - he comes in and has to dry his clothes and fix all of his water bottles and other odd chores. But the big biggee was that he was dressed so sloppy I really didn't like that in front of my son. I guess that was a night he should have stayed home. So I decided to write him a note saying how all of this made me feel. That I want someone who wants to be early and be a part of our lives. Not coming late and busy with all of their chores.
Because I am a very busy single working mom and don't want another kid.
So, he ended it. And I am not sad. I had fun while it lasted. But this shows me that he does not have what it takes to get his life and act together and be around me and DS. That he only wants the fun.

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A BIG thing for me is that the person does as s/he says. Showing up on time (as previously agreed)is a biggie for me as well.
Communication IS key in letting each other know what is going on inside and what we want and expect. I absolutely value that in any relationship. I also know that most people are not skilled in doing that.
I know with my own children it is a challenge for them to ask for what they want and let me know what is going on inside. Of course I give them a lot more grace than with others.
Good luck.
Mark
It was fun Soonee - we did do a lot of fun things. And I didn't fall for him - so I do feel like I landed on my feet. It is a lot better to be out riding the bike with someone than riding by myself or sitting home alone - even if it didn't go anywhere. It was like a breath of fresh air to break up the monotony of no dates for 4 years and to see that there are people who don't drink after putting up with a few weeks of the fireman.
I am remembering something else from the race weekend. Knowing he is late, when he expressed interest to go to the race, I said that is fine but keep in mind that I go to bed very early before a race. I race hard for 3 to 3.5 hours, including 40 miles on a bike. I cannot and do not want to function on 4 or 5 hours sleep - it is not fun or safe. So, if you do want to go that is fine but you have to be there by 8:30PM. He says fine.
WELL that means he has to leave work and go straight to the race, which is almost a 4 hour drive. Which he obviously doesn't like because he sits in the hot sun all day and wants to take a shower first. He does take a quick one and does get there on time. But it is not fun for him to drive there from work. The drive is the drive no matter when you do it - but I have a feeling he steamed about my request on the way up. He made the comment - "is this going to be everything your way." And I remember that comment irritated me because it certainly has not been everything my way. Yo buddy - you cannot come waltzing into a hotel room full of sleeping people at midnight because YOU chose to have down time after work and then drive up when you please. I am so considerate that I would not ever think of such a shenanigan.
So, it is a matter of reality. My reality says that you need to be flexible and considerate of others and fit in. His reality says he is so stressed with his simple life that he needs to relax and have things his way. And that is fine - I have no hard feelings. It is just obvious that our needs do not mesh. I need someone who doesn't think their life is so hard that they CAN bend and fit and think that is fun. I know I could totally leave work right away and drive somewhere without playing on the computer and relaxing for a while first so I fit in with my friends' plans.
In fact when I got home from the race (remember it was a 3.5 hour race in the heat followed by an almost 4 hour drive home), I washed all the clothes and put everything away (except my handsome trophy). It looked like the race never happened in my house. The next morning I was up at 4AM to do all my work email, check this board, and make sure DS was ready for school. I had to leave DS to get ready himself and go 2 doors down to carpool himself because I had jury duty. I managed to take my laptop and work in the court all day. I got called to jury selection twice - the last time was at 2PM which was very stressful because I am self employed and that would be a hardship if I got selected to say the least. I think I was in court for almost 11 hours. And at the end of that ordeal I drove home in rush hour and then grocery shopped and took DS to dinner where we shared our day's experiences. All that after a hard race. And you know what, that wasn't stressful to me because I CAN do it. I am organized like crazy and I am driven and have a can-do attitude.
I think if you are never married and never raised a kid (he has a kid but he is not custodial) from scratch you have never had to jump through hoops of every day life like this. And he has a civil service job where he basically sits on the beach all day. It is not like he has meetings and projects and deadlines. So his reality is just different.
But the bottom line is that I AM going to call him on it if he dresses sloppy, shows up late and doesn't help clear the table because I expect my son to do all those things and have had a good bit of effort to provide him with a good life and good example. And I am going to say this sucks if I feel like I did not enjoy my evening because it was all about him and this is not the first time we go through this. Because that is MY reality. LOL!!
I really think I was done with him when I sent that letter and was hoping somehow he would realize what I saw and convince me I should not throw in the towel or I am seeing something the wrong way. But I think it hit him between the eyes and he just got very defensive and doesn't want to do anything that is mentally tough and not relaxing. In hindsight if I have a beef I am going to try to present it in a more positive solution-oriented manner and maybe not by email. But I think I was really done with him and had to vent as much as I had to set a boundary and now I am glad I did. He reminded me so much of my friend from high school the lawyer - who would be so so so good for me on paper but in reality is such a selfish moron. Our dads worked together and we have known each other from grade school. He is a lawyer and loves me. But he is so so so selfish and unflexible that he turns me off the same way. I thought of him when I was trying to figure out what to say to the lifeguard. I said this feels the same!
But whatever. I know I am not going to settle and this is part of dating. And I am not so sure I am going to accept any more men who have never been married. Because my age group now is really at the point where they should be divorced or widowed by now. :-)
I just got back from a most wonderful party for a friend's 2 year old. I could pity myself for this - there are so many happy married couples there. But instead I had fun chatting with everyone and I became the party photographer. Got to eat cake, too. There was one single mom there who has it much worse than me - she just got her 2nd divorce and is really struggling. I brightened her day by getting her a beer and telling her this is our Saturday night out. She laughed and we both knew what I meant.
The handyman is coming and we are fixing up the back yard. I just got a huge order with work and a lot of new projects. DS is doing well in school and made the xcountry team and somehow the school made ME their cross country running coach. So all of this is good and what matters. Sure, my profile is back up - just because I know that in my age group I have to be doing something to meet people in addition to all I do - but that is really not the big project right now. And it takes like a month for even one to write that I like! LOL!!
Edited 9/29/2007 8:30 pm ET by cl-west1745
I have to admit, when I read that he was stressed out I thought "Why?".
Probably VERY true and a note for us for next time. Glad you like my boundaries!!
I just saw the Dr. Phil quote in the other thread, "we teach people how to treat us" and this could not be more true! If only I had that quote before I was married. But I am really sticking to it. I just absolutely refuse to be upset by bad treatment in a relationship. I promised myself that I WOULD find someone to appreciate me and treat me better than my exh. I applied this promise to myself the weekend that fireman was drinking and got out. And then the other night when I got turned off my LG's selfishness and lack of good manners in front of DS. I do think I graduated with a masters degree from BITCH school! LOL!!!!!
I definitely wasn't expecting this to happen! But, like with fireman, you knew what you wanted and refused to settle for anything less, so hats off to you.
I am glad you are not unhappy or suffering any way after this break-up.
Clem xx
After reading through this whole thread, now I know that it wasn't just my imagination that the break-up was over something really quite insignificant!! I mean, the whole not-wanting-to-discuss-or-compromise issue is not a small one, but it would've been EASY for him to try harder in being on time, or to show up to your house presentable for being around your DS. It just seemed like such a ridiculous thing to call things off for, IMO- just like you said, Judy!
I do understand that it's a dealbreaker that he wouldn't even be willing to talk over this small thing. That he would jump at the chance to RUN rather than stick around and face the confrontation (what little there might even BE, over something this small)- and work out a compromise or understanding between the 2 of you. It definitely says volumes about him.
He would NOT be a person who could stick through the "for better or worse" stuff that it requires for a relationship to last a long, long time!
I heard something on the radio this week- that a sign of how well a couple might last, isn't always how they handle the bad things together. They said that many couples DO handle it well if they need to be strong for the other. They said that a truer test would be how well one partner might handle a GOOD thing of the other. As if someone had a huge promotion at work, or got recognition in the paper about something. Would the other partner be able to celebrate him/her moving up in the world and NOT feel 'left behind' or overshadowed (and resentment)? How good are you at celebrating someone else's glory? I know that is a hard one for some people. And Judy- when you talked about maybe LifeGuard feeling like he can't keep up with you... maybe that is another thing he is having trouble with. Who knows??
Anyway, I'm sorry this had to happen so suddenly, but I'm glad you're handling it all so well. I'm surprised you're back on match again so soon! I think I'd be more like "I'm done with men for awhile!!" and take a break after that! lol
What in the world would you guys say/do if I came on here as suddenly and announced that Hiker and I went "Next!!!" !?!?! That would be a shock, wouldn't it??
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thanks, Shrimps. I think I am just ready to find someone and I understand that they are not going to appear in my little old home office. And the type A in me doesn't want the good ones being snapped up while I stew over a dingbat flingypoo like the LG. If I was really hurt I know I would avoid match, but I really feel okay. No tears over this one. And I know that by putting my profile back up it is a rather lengthy process to have one write - it certainly doesn't mean that I am going to have 5 dates by the end of the week. I am now in the 45-50 age group and there are not many up there in that age group who live close enough never mind ones who are fit and appeal to me.
Perhaps you are right that he feels left out by me having a lot more money and things. I have worked much harder and am far better with my money than him. I noticed that he spends his money on dumb things and basically doesn't have his act together - so I am sure the magnitude of my success, as compared to his, makes him feel left out. Plus my son is an A honor student and I know that his struggles with his grades although he was described as a happy boy who has good mechanical skills. But whatever. I am not going to be a bum to please him or any man.
I know I don't feel bad at setting a boundary for a man to show up on time, be dressed decently and show good manners in front of DS when at my house. While I am NOT looking for another father for DS, I must have someone who is a good mentor and influence. And it was not like I wanted expensive clothes - heck - I spend most of my time in a running outfit. But dirty old shorts and a ratty t shirt that doesn't match is a STRONG turn off to me as is a selfish person who brings all of their chores instead of wondering what they can help with or contribute and especially so young in the relationship. And if he doesn't want to do that when asked nicely, well then, that is his choice and prerogative to dump me. For some reason I am still finding that funny and think of him as quite stupid. I guess I must have a lot of self esteem which is a good thing.
We would be surprised as heck if you came back with a NEXT announcement for Hiker. But you have been with him for 2 years and he sounds to be a lot more responsible and stable so I think and hope that is much less unlikely. In my mind you have been a model resident and case study for all of us here.
While this is a surprise, to all of us, I think it is important to note that prior to this we were having fun together doing many things. But this week was more stressful for time because of the race thrown in and his increase in training for an upcoming race (even though he did have 3 days off from work). But stress and time management are parts of life just as getting upset and irritated. And he did not have the skills to handle stress, time management or conflict resolution and communication. And I think he is plain selfish and perhaps spoiled as Soonee pointed out.
I have learned an important lesson and that is that you have to get what you give. I was trying to be kind to consider him and see the positives even though he had less and made less. But kindness and charity do not have a place in dating. I guess you could say we are all at a human bargaining table.
I am bumping this up for the weekday crew since Priscilla was suprised by my match.com announcement.
Here is my synopsis to my friend on the IM this morning:
"I want someone to ADD to my life, not show up very late on a school night in sloppy clothes with all of his chores in hand and expecting me to understand why he is stressed over so little to do and to wait on his lazy self hand and foot because he was on his email for 2 hours prior to coming."
I am not going to be a doormat!
Sorry Judy! Had to bump this one up again! Heck, I'm off a few weeks and this board is just jumping again! Holy cow! LOL!
Although I feel sad this happened to you, I know, like me, you know what you need.
I have so many thoughts to the entire thing, but don't have the time to respond the way I want to. One thing I do want to comment on is that you said you won't be anyone's doormat. I live by that. And though I get slammed on the board for being so hot headed sometimes, it's because I don't have time for anyone who is unthoughtful, irresponsible, untimely or unkind. I know I am a handful. I admit it. However, it's because I know what I want and I tell everyone. I'm not shy to tell a man what I want. Don't like it? Don't let my foot kick you in the arse
Thanks, Cat. I am not mad or sad at all. Empowered to find the right one.
I was thinking about how my sister would react if I showed up for dinner on a school night over an hour late to her place without bringing her anything and then when she is struggling to feed 2 kids and clean up the mess after a bad day and all of that how she would feel if I did my laundry, made a bigger mess and then didn't help at all. She would be mad. And I do NOT want to live with someone that inconsiderate. I was already getting bad vibes when he made the comment - you always have to have everything your way after I requested that if he does come to my race he respects my bedtime - and really it would be the bedtime of everyone staying with me - my friends go to be early too - no one would stay up until midnight. Now that I think on it there was other stuff that bothers me. And when I spent 2 days to cool down and write a nice email he dropped me. So that tells a lot - he is just too different - his entire life has been like spring break on the beach - easy come easy go with all the women.
I spent 10 years with a man who poo pooed my energy, creativity and interests. He was never home when I was sick and pregnant, never was home that much to care for DS and was never affectionate - drank a beer and didn't talk and just watched what he wanted on TV and ignored me except for when he was horny and that was a one way street. He was always late from work and wouldn't call until he was more than an hour late and it was with more bad news to be more late. Read the paper when I cooked a nice dinner. Complained that I made a mess because I was trying to cook a nice dinner with a colicky toddler and left carrot peels in the sink. And only wanted to see his rude and inconsiderate family on vacation. It was all about him.
I have reflected and realized my mistakes in picking him and not seeing the flags.
But I am not making that mistake twice.
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