NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
NEXT!
25
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:52am

On Saturday Fireman and I decided to take a little trip to the beach - he is off work, DS is with his dad, and my coach gave me the time off so it seemed like a good opportunity to spend quality time and get to know each other.

The first day we went for a ride on the board walk and ran into one of his friends. Okay and so the drinking monster reared its ugly head. He drank almost two 6 packs. I was upset about it but said we are already here so I am just going to make the best of it and see what happens when he is left to his own devices. On Sunday we got up and had a great bike ride and breakfast. And they were having a concert on the beach. Some of the his friends were there and they all liked meeting me. But the same thing again - they drank a lot. I lost count. And I cannot believe someone could look so sober and function after that much to drink.

IN a way it is disappointing because there are so many qualities I like about him. And I know he is into me and only wants to date me. But this is one of those things out of our control. So I have to let him know that this is not going to work out for me. I cannot be with a drinker.

NEXT!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:28am
I'm so sorry you have to end it Judy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:41am

It took a lot of thinking. Believe me, when I was younger I would have just let it "take its course" and end on its own. I could easily let him be a FWB - because I love the phone calls every day, the activity partner and his admiration and all of it. Believe me that is huge. Luckily it is early enough that I am not emotionally connected yet. And I was on guard and holding my heart back.

But I think of what the divorce did to my life - how it is hard on my DS - and hard to watch his dad do the same things to him that he did to me with his inability to be reliable and emotionally connected. I think of how it has alienated my family from me, which is just getting sorted out now after 7 years. And I think of how I don't want to be in pain again from a relationship and of what I really want for me. And I want to be in love and to have that returned. So this ugly step is required to get to my goal.

So I am going to do what I have to do, which is what is not easy. I am going to tell him that I don't drink and cannot be with someone who enjoys that as much as he does. And sorry but we gave it our best shot. And I am going right back to OLD. Luckily DS and I have a trip starting this coming Friday - so a little worry about bears, bugs and cold morning weather will do me good.

I haven't told him yet. We had to leave early because he has to be at work today. And I don't want to send a man who has to do 911 calls off to work with that in his head. I will probably tell him on the phone when he is off - maybe tomorrow.

And yes - it seems that the drinking is definitely a part of many service guys lives. I don't think I would give them all a label. But that would come up in the first phone conversation for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:48am
I know exactly what you mean.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:56am

I'm sorry you will be calling things off with Fireman, but I understand your reasons.

Will you tell him the reason, or simply that it isn't going to work out for you?

I do like that you don't feel you can change him, obviously that doesn't work-and that you aren't settling for this when it isn't something you can deal with- lots of other people would given a good guy with only one major flaw visible so far.

You're very good at sticking to your guns, and knowing what you want. That's an inspiration!

Moody, who knows there are others out there for you


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:03am

I think the thing is that it is a long hard journey to meet the right one and not just MrRightNow. There are certainly a lot of undesirable types out there and not even that many to choose from in my age group. I don't want drama. And I want to keep my health, wealth and DS relationship in tact.

I have dated so many - but just have to keep dating a lot until I find the one that is into me, wants to be exclusive with me and I like him and he doesn't have red flags. Not easy for sure. But I believe that I am far better educated than ever before. And I note I am far more into myself than ever before - the old me would have crumbled that he would want the beer more than me. I think I have just toughened for the process and gotten a whole lot wiser.

The detective is no where to be seen.

I did think of a few funny things though. I managed to set the dinner on fire the second night - I mean how funny is that if you are dating a fireman! And I laughed and panicked at the same time. He helped me. How funny. (I had dropped the dinner rolls out of the pan and onto the bottom coils in the oven and they went up in flames!!)

And then of course he fell asleep at 8PM after all that booze. Which was good because I really wasn't in the mood for anything else after watching and realizing the drinking drama. And I was watching a show on TV that was great - it showed all these marriages and dating dilemmas that werent happy. He woke up around 9:30 or 10 and said he was so tired and I was laughing hysterically. I said this is the best movie. There was a wife whose husband had cheated on her and had a kid with the OW - and the wife was moving the entire birthday party next door to avoid the OW - even the pony was going next door. And it turns out it was the show "Desparate Housewives". Now you know that this board, along with DS's homework, my business that can essentially be worked 24/7 and my training is so much more important to me than TV. And he could not believe I had never watched Desperate Housewives before. So I said, well, running my biz and my kid keep me too busy. But we both had a good laugh.

Also, this morning when he got up I had a laugh because I could imagine how bad he must feel after so much beer. And I made sure I started asking him all about his work so he wouldn't get other ideas - which did work- because he was in go to work mode!! LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:08am

Thanks, Moody. It is hard to stick to my guns - but I know all too well the story of drinking because I have dated 2 drinkers/alcoholics and even had counseling for the first one (we were engaged) so I have a lot of education on the matter and I know that love cannot change drinking or drugs. The trouble is that they don't see it that way. And I know it takes a HUGE effort for them to see it that way, change their environment and behavior. It is not like they have control. They always had the saying, 1 drink is too many and 100 is never enough.

I was telling my friend it is a sad disease. She just broke up with her BF for the same reason. They had plans and he disappeared on a drinking binge with his brother the entire weekend.

She said, how did we both become single the same weekend? And she is goodlooking and only 22.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:26am

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Judy! I was hoping things would be great for you and Fireman!! Things were so right on parts of it! But the main thing is- it has to be right on ALL of it, or it's a no-go. That's sad for him, that he can drink that much and even the feeling tired/sick/whatever about it later, isn't enough for him to realize that it's not worth the "fun" to drink so heavily. I had my partying days in college years ago- but I also learned that whatever fun I had with the alcohol, was NOT worth the icky feelings my body would get later on! I'd rather have fun and stay sober than have fun and be drunk (and sick)!

That's just too bad. And that's bad for HIM, if he has a drinking problem and doesn't even see it. But yay for you- that you won't allow your life to be dragged down by it!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:28am

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry about that. He seemed so perfect. I guess too perfect, huh? Well, at least you found out before too long, but gosh, I was hoping for a better turnout with you two. Well, just make sure in your profile that you add NO DRINKERS! I know you will find your prince. I will too. We all will.

HUGS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:48am

I am so very sorry Judy.

I was married to a fire fighter for 10yrs and a lot of them are HUGE drinkers. My STBX was able to put away 20 beers (many more actually) and you would never have been able to tell at all and he never missed a day of work (he was responsible enough to never drink before work). A lot of them are in really great physical condition so they can really metabolize the alcohol. Don't get me wrong, he is a fabulous FF and takes his job very seriously, he is definitely the kind of guy you want to see running around the corner to haul your butt out of a burning building, but socializing is a huge part of the job... This is a big part of the reason why so many have second careers (mine is also a real estate agent) and those second careers are actually encouraged from the top on down.

Bottom line for me - police and fire fighters are completely off of my dating list. Both careers seem to have a real "locker room" mentality. I have heard many of the stories and most people would be horrified at some of the details they reveal. When I hear of someone I know dating a ff or police officer, my antenae immediately goes up...I've just heard wayyyyyy too many stories... My counsellor is actually developed a program (at the request of the detachments in the city that I live in) specific to both those career streams. The program will deal with relationships and substance abuse - an enormous problem that they feel they need to address.

Judy, I am so sorry your FF didn't work out - but good for you for sticking to your guns. It can be so hard to pass up on Mr. Right Now....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:17pm

Wow - this is very enlightening and describes my former FF to a T.

Thank you for sharing your story. Everyone's support and good comments mean a lot to me.

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