NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
NEXT!
25
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:52am

On Saturday Fireman and I decided to take a little trip to the beach - he is off work, DS is with his dad, and my coach gave me the time off so it seemed like a good opportunity to spend quality time and get to know each other.

The first day we went for a ride on the board walk and ran into one of his friends. Okay and so the drinking monster reared its ugly head. He drank almost two 6 packs. I was upset about it but said we are already here so I am just going to make the best of it and see what happens when he is left to his own devices. On Sunday we got up and had a great bike ride and breakfast. And they were having a concert on the beach. Some of the his friends were there and they all liked meeting me. But the same thing again - they drank a lot. I lost count. And I cannot believe someone could look so sober and function after that much to drink.

IN a way it is disappointing because there are so many qualities I like about him. And I know he is into me and only wants to date me. But this is one of those things out of our control. So I have to let him know that this is not going to work out for me. I cannot be with a drinker.

NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:36pm

Okay - I just did the dirty deed. I called his home voice mail and left the message. I said I am not into the party scene. And he is a great guy just the way he is - he needs to find someone who is into that. And I had a nice time but am putting my profile back up on match and want to date other people and don't think we should see each other anymore. So he will get it when he gets home tomorrow. It is what it is and I don't want to deal with it anymore. And I thought that was rather clever of me. I have a clean slate.

Back on match!




Edited 5/28/2007 12:45 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:01pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:02pm

I just went for a swim and really feel confident with my decision; it is funny what 3300 yards of swimming laps can do for the head!! I mean, if someone drinks over 36 beers in 2 days that is just way too much and never mind when you are supposed to be with someone romantic you are just starting to date. He is 46 and not about to change I am sure and like I said the drinking thing is not like something easy to change - it is not like an annoying driving habit or a shirt that is a bad color - it is a disease and a chemical addiction that requires major intervention. And I don't want to be second fiddle to a beer or have my life screwed up by all the drama that drinking brings. NOT.

So, as I just posted, I decided I have to get this over with NOW. I am unplugging my phone so if he calls from work (my parents are coming for dinner) I won't hear it - it will go to voice mail. And when he gets home tomorrow morning he will hear the news. And I don't have to deal with it any more. That might not be the most cordial thing to do. But it is what it is and dating is like that. And that is easy on me. I have already endured enough.

I did explain to him that I don't drink that much and don't like to be around drunk people. He did say he loves his beer and has never had any problems with it. And that is fine - he is okay with it - but I am not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:05pm

"Remember what went right (lighthearted attitude, no prolonged eMailing before meeting, no physical attachment too early, etc.) and do it again!"

THANKS! I just told my friend that when she comes tomorrow I am going to be all dolled up and we are going to put up more pix on OLD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:22pm

He did say he loves his beer and has never had any problems with it.


Well, there ya go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:34pm

Thank you Soonee! You are too funny doing the math.

I try to remember my own advice. That was running through my head as well. And what I would write here. LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:48pm

Soonee - I had to laugh reading this post. I LOVE the math!

And on girls going flaky....my stbx used to say that about a number of his ex significant others...somehow they were always warped...hmmmm... I am pretty sure that I am the "flaky one" right now. For the sake of our daughters I truely hope he finally figures things out...but I highly doubt it. He has had two marriages end now and I am not so sure he has grown up enough to take responsibility for either one. In his warped little world someone is always "pushing his buttons".

I used to drink socially quite a bit. I quit when I became preg and never really went back to it as much as I enjoyed the occasional glass of wine etc. I could not stand the person he was when he drank and I did not want to "share" that aspect with him nor imply that I condoned it in any way.

Keep the calculations coming....it's an eye opener!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 2:02pm

I believe you are very correct in saying you don't like the person he becomes when he drinks. I could not agree more based on my experience now and in the past. It is like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde - an instant transformation based on Sober versus Drunk. The sober person is gracious, kind, not selfish and able to be intimate. The drunk is obnoxious, living to get high at all costs on the booze and only into himself. I saw this here too.

Bless you for all you have been through. I understand totally how he would be attractive to you. But also I understand your pain at being in an unfulfilling marriage that had to end.

And really that is why we are all here - because we have lived through the pain and want something fulfilling that is a two way street and will go forever. Everyone here is like a sister to me. I love to read the messages and help and learn. And now I am leaning for support for me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 3:47pm

Well Judy, you know I'm in your corner on this one!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 7:00pm

Thank you Alison. I did just say partying in my message because I just wanted to end it in a positive way. I am certainly not here to educate someone who likes to drink about alcoholism and chemical dependence. Because there is nothing I can say to change what he does or who he hangs out with. I understand that those are huge. Much bigger than love and certainly more deeply rooted than our near-one-month relationship. I feel that this is a take it or leave it proposition, not a change it to what Judy wants proposition.

The whole thing is just sad because he is a great guy otherwise and we had a lot in common and fun and I always enjoyed that he called every day and hearing his stories from work. He just called and left a cute message. He always called me Judy Blue Eyes. I had shut the phones off because my parents were here so it never rang. And I erased it. He will hear what I have to say on his home voice mail tomorrow.

I am so glad you posted your story. It helps validate my decision and know that although this was a hard decision to make, it is also the right one. It would be much easier for me to sweep it under the rug and look the other way. I am sorry for you too that you had 5 years of pain with Adrian. I cannot fathom the depth of that - I know it is much worse than what I had to go through with my exh and never mind that you had a small child to raise, too.

We have come a long way. For sure.