...the next question of the week

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Registered: 05-25-2004
...the next question of the week
79
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:13am

Candi's question of the week has led me to one I have been dying to ask all of you.

-How do you measure the quality of your sex life? What do you define as good versus bad?
-If a man is selfish in bed do you think you would see this anywhere else in his life - in other words, is he selfish in other ways?

Maybe you have experiences you want to share - how you communicate to make it better - insight. I agree with all of you that sex is very important.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:18am

That's easy for me and pretty simple, but I am sure everyone will be more detailed.
A good sex life for me, is when BOTH of us, are out to please one another. When we both want to make the other happy. That means, I do things I know will spoil him and show my adoration for him and he does the same: example: When I give my man a bath with bubbles and oils, while I step in wiht him and wearing my sexy hexy lingerie. Then wash him for head to toe, afterwards wrap him in a fuzzy towel and take him to bed, then give him a oil body massage.
For me, it can be anything that he does that focuses on me.

As for the selfishness, yes, yes, yes. If he is selfish in bed, he will be selfish in life. It's about give and take, right?

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:31am

-How do you measure the quality of your sex life? What do you define as good versus bad? - I think the good vs bad is plain and simply put ARE MY NEEDS BEING MET? Does he CARE if I have something to say and does he make adjustments based on what I say? (and of course, I am doing the same for him) I think good and bad is very different for everyone based on preference, but having somone care what you like and dislike and "aiming to please" is what can make a great relationship in bed. And of course, your partner can't know what you like and dislike without good communication. So...I guess great sex starts with great communication in most situations.



-If a man is selfish in bed do you think you would see this anywhere else in his life - in other words, is he selfish in other ways? --- I would think, yes, in most instances. The only example would be a guy who is so UNSKILLED that what he thinks of as great giving sex, really is VERY selfish. But he's the type that with a little guidance will set aside selfish behavior and learn a little more about giving lovemaking. The man that is just plain selfish is just that. Selfish in nature. That spills over into every area of someone's life.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:35am

I think I measure quality a few ways -
- comfortable with intimacy with each other
- our chemistry and sense of adventure together
- variety - doesn't want to just do the same thing all the time
- ability to have slow romantic sex sometimes
- not selfish - able to give back what he gets - cares about me

I think it is an extension of the relationship - if he is that into you then this will carry over. And if he does not have a stingy uptight spirit (like my exh). If we respect each other's minds. And we can both make the TIME to develop this area of our relationship - that has to be a priority - it doesn't get better if there is little time and one or both people are tired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:54am

Becky,

"The only example would be a guy who is so UNSKILLED that what he thinks of as great giving sex, really is VERY selfish."

That is true. One guy I was with had only been with one other woman. So he didn't have the skills. But boy did he want to learn them. He was more eager to please me than himself and seeing me turned on turned him on!! That was so lucky. He is the golden standard. I found that it was easy to tell him what I liked and he also noticed that on his own.

Now that I think of it - he was "that into me" - I was the love of his life. He would meet all of my criteria in an earlier post except 'responsible with money.' Yes, he was frugal, but he had a business that is not viable and could not admit that because of a rift he had with his father who was very rich. He had a lot of debt, not much income and didn't want to pay/file his taxes for 8 years. Otherwise he is the closest I have come to Mr. Right. Perfect in bed, tall, good looking, WONDERFUL mother. But too many dark issues from his past with his father.

I did wait all of 2 weeks to end up in bed with him!! But I would say that the wonderful sex clouded my judgement. But that is okay because I had not had the dating experience after my divorce to put together the list I posted the other day. He was an important step in the learning process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 12:00pm

-How do you measure the quality of your sex life? What do you define as good versus bad?


The fact that the interaction between any two different people is so different makes it hard to put this into words. There's no list that would cover it. I think I just realized that in the past year or so.


Key factors for me are going to be


Does he think of my needs before his own, is it important to him that I'm satisfied, can he be as caring in other aspects of our life together, and can he satisfy my need for lots of non sexual touching? All that might sound selfish, except I am the kind of person who thinks of the other person's needs first as well, so it would balance out.


The "is he packing" question still boggles my mind. So if I really like someone and find out he's not packing? I don't EVEN want to deal with that. LOL



-If a man is selfish in bed do you think you would see this anywhere else in his life - in other words, is he selfish in other ways?


I think this must be true. From my experience it was with my ex, but I wasn't saavy enough to see the signs then. I am observing the mexican guys, and seeing the different ways they react to women. It's educational. They flirt with me, and with the idea of maybe marrying the teacher (though none of them have the nerve to address it directly, LOL).


I see one who is asking questions like "can she cook?" and at one point said "maybe the man should stay home if the woman has a job"...and I'm thinking "he's in it for himself, for pleasing himself"...does that sound right to you all? I think he would probably be selfish in bed, too. He'd be done and roll over.


Then I see a charmer, who is ambitious in his life goals and really is sweet and charming to everyone. Nice, but could he keep to just one person? Not sure.


Then I see one man who is changing things to make himself more what he thinks I want. And who is maybe one of those "unskilled" guys, in the social sense for sure. I think as he sees what I want, he'll be trying to do it. So, would I call him...hmmm... trainable?


So, though I probably won't date any of them, being the single, attractive teacher gives me a chance to see different men working the same topic, how to impress a woman. veeeeery interesting!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 12:10pm
So if I really like someone and find out he's not packing? I don't EVEN want to deal with that. LOL ... Ok, I never consider that. I've never run into someone lacking enough to make me go "ok, I am NEVER going there again" but that's probably a very valid point. And there's a major range of acceptable, but some that I've heard of would be totally UNACCEPTABLE. Better for a man like that to find a woman who has NO interest in sex (I've heard there are women like that... Odd to me. ;)
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:24pm

>>>Better for a man like that to find a woman who has NO interest in sex (I've heard there are women like that... Odd to me. ;)<<<

I found this article a while ago. I found it interesting because my ex is possibly asexual, or borderline asexual, or gay. He has a friend that is 40 and hasn't had sex since shortly after high school. That definitely sounds asexual, even though before I always that this friend was gay and afraid to admit it to himself.

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http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/14/asexual.study/index.html

LONDON, England (CNN) -- About one percent of adults have absolutely no interest in sex, according to a new study, and that distinction is becoming one of pride among many asexuals.

The new study was conducted by Anthony Bogaert, a psychologist and human sexuality expert at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario.

It was published in the latest issue of The Journal of Sex Research and is the focus of a report in this Saturday's issue of New Scientist.

Bogaert's analysis looked at responses to another study in Britain, published in 1994. That study was based on interviews of 18,000 people about their sexual practices.

It offered respondent a list of options. One read: "I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all." One percent said they agreed with the statement.

That response level is close to the percentage of gay people in the population, which is around three percent, the New Scientist report says.

New Scientist says such studies offer insights into sexuality, but the results remain controversial.

"The closest we have got to understanding human asexuals comes from studies -- mostly surveys - of people who report not having sex," it says.

A 1994 survey, published by The University of Chicago Press, found that 13 percent of 3,500 respondents had no sex in the past year. Forty percent of those people said they were extremely happy or very happy with their lives.

"If asexuality is indeed a form of sexual orientation, perhaps it will not be long before the issue of 'A' pride starts attracting more attention," New Scientist says.

Activists have already started campaigning to promote awareness and acceptance of asexuality, it reports.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network has an online store that sell items promoting awareness and acceptance on asexuality.

Among the items is a T-shirt with the slogan, "Asexuality: it's not just for amoebas anymore."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:38pm

-How do you measure the quality of your sex life? What do you define as good versus bad?

How to measure the quality - - - hmmmm . . . am I satisfied? Do I feel beautiful and sexy when I'm with the man? Is he TOTALLY into me? Am I TOTALLY into him? Is he skilled and knowledgable (sorry, not interested in a man I have to teach everything - a few things I don't mind - but I want them to have a working knowledge - reason #4 I am typically attracted to older men). I know some people said INTIMACY - and if it's a long term relationship and I'm in love - yes - I want there to be intimacy. BUT - I've had sexual relationships that were freaking fantastic and there was little to NO intimacy. And - I guess since TT and I have had to abstain so many times for such long periods of time due to health reasons that I simply don't connect intimacy and sex the way others do - because during the times we abstained - our intimacy quotient was through the roof - and we weren't having sex. For me, bad equals clashing libido issues - I don't like those, I take them WAY TOO personally. I don't understand lower libidos, so if a man doesn't want to have sex with me - he must not be that into me. Now - I know that isn't ALWAYS the case - but that is ALWAYS my initial reaction, rational or not. A man who isn't giving and isn't willing. A man who always requires props, fantasy, role play, etc. is bad for me. A man with a fetish that he requires be played out during every - um - session is bad for me. And a man with certain fetishes are bad all together. I want a man who enjoys that stuff, yes, but his only requirement is me in his bed! AND - VERY important - a man who accepts that I'm a very sexual woman, and appreciates that. My ex was low libido - and had a very unhealthy view of sex, and called me a slut on numerous occasions due to my high libido - because in his mind, married women don't do that, don't want that, etc.

-If a man is selfish in bed do you think you would see this anywhere else in his life - in other words, is he selfish in other ways?

Yep. A man who is selfish in bed is selfish out of bed, too. I've never seen that not be the case. Also, a man who can't make love to his partner and can only have "porno-sex" normally has ego/intimacy issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:43pm

-How do you measure the quality of your sex life? What do you define as good versus bad?

Being in my 30s is so much different than before I was married. I was engaged at 22, I knew nothing then. There are some very specific things that I know I need in a sexual relationship for it to be good. I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but what I want is for the guy to be in charge. He decides what happens and he keeps me guessing. I could go on, but for everyone's benefit I'll stop there.

-If a man is selfish in bed do you think you would see this anywhere else in his life - in other words, is he selfish in other ways?

I'll be honest with myself here and say my bf is selfish in bed and selfish in some other areas. In the other areas where he's selfish, I try to pay attention to that and for now there are a lot more good things about him that override any negative points. In bed, he may be selfish but along the way to getting his own needs met mine get met too. Of all the sexual relationships I have had in my life, the one I have right now is the absolute best and I can't imagine it being better. The only thing I would change is I would have him go down on me more and I'm working up to asking him for this. But other than that, I love everything about our sex life. I also think that intimacy is as important as sex. My bf loves to kiss, cuddle, touch, be close (not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time). I love that and could not accept a relationship without that closeness.




Edited 1/26/2005 1:44 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:51pm

>>>I don't understand lower libidos, so if a man doesn't want to have sex with me - he must not be that into me. Now - I know that isn't ALWAYS the case - but that is ALWAYS my initial reaction, rational or not.<<<

Exactly. The reason doesn't matter. My ex just wasn't that interested in sex at all. Personally, I don't care what the reason is. Not interested in sex means not going to be with me.

>>>A man who always requires props, fantasy, role play, etc. is bad for me. A man with a fetish that he requires be played out during every - um - session is bad for me. And a man with certain fetishes are bad all together. I want a man who enjoys that stuff, yes, but his only requirement is me in his bed!<<<

My ex had this weird thing that I had to be wearing something silky or lacy. Even for shower sex. If I was wearing cotton or wearing nothing, he wouldn't touch me. I will never ever be subjected to that kind of 'requirement' ever again. When I left him I threw out ever sexy thing I owned and bought a bunch of cotton underwear. My bf persueded me to get some thongs but I made sure I bought 100% cotton one's and I have plenty of regular old cotton panties I wear when I'm not seeing my bf. I think sleeping in a t-shirt is plenty sexy enough becuase it's ME in that t-shirt.

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