Next Visitation sooner and just as long

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Next Visitation sooner and just as long
22
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:54pm

Well...once again I consider myself blindsighted. But, I'm just going to have to buck up and face it. Ex gets dd this Thursday at 9am and gets to keep her until Sunday (again) at 6pm. I thought he was only going to get to keep her Thursday, like the judge had stated, but the papers are know stating something completely different. This is going to be hard, but I'll manage. DD came home last night and was so tired and cranky, but very happy to see me. My granny picked her up and brought her to church and when she saw me she just giggled and smiled and held on to me like there was no tomorrow!

My grandmother said that ex smarted off to her when she picked up dd; he's gloating right now. But he's in for a big surprise! I'm not going to allow him to think that I'm moping and being sad for one single minute! He's already had his girlfriend ask me if I will take dd over new year's - but nope, sorry, it's his weekend! I tried very hard for a long time prior to all of this to work things out and to work around his schedule (before all the harassing, violence, etc. that started up again). He's just going to have to learn that he's going to have to help with her. I'm not saying that I wouldn't LOVE for her to be here with me over Thanksgiving and new years, but I'm not going to work around his visitation schedule so he can go out and get drunk. He fought so hard to make my life a living h*ll so why should I roll over and let him get out of his weekends. It's so funny that if he thinks that it's going to bother me if he has dd then he wants her, but if he knows that it's not, then he wants to give her back.

I'm supposed to talk to the judge who HAS NOT ruled on our divorce this afternoon. He's supposed to be signing our papers today, hopefully. My family and I have been hounding this judge for the past week. If he signs this week then there will be a new visitation schedule, one that's not so uprooting, in my opinion. As it is now dd stays with me for 3 1/2 days and then is w/ ex for 3 1/2 days. To me, that is very unstable. How is a child supposed to get used to being somewhere when in a matter of days they are moved around again?

(I hope I'm not talking in circles. I'm trying very hard to rationalize all of this in my head and make it easier somehow.)

I'm just going to have to take things in stride, but I'm not going to let him out of this visit time right now. Soon - very soon - the other document will be signed and everything will be a little better. Until then, I just have to be strong and put on my game face and not let him know that it kills me to let dd leave for so long.

By the way, I took everyone's advise and didn't ask her if she had fun with her dad and ask what she did. I just smiled and said welcome home! I'm not sure that if at 2 things that I could say or ask could make her feel guilty about being away, but I'm not going to take that chance. Hopefully she is better at adapting to this situation than I am, considering she is so young!

Thanks for listening to me ramble!

Happy Thanksgiving and lots of hugs,
Kait

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:37pm

I can't belive your ex had the nerve to mouth off to your grandma, mine would have pulled his ear off and wacked him one :-) The gf has some nerve too, but then again you know what I would do to her :-). Don't ever discuss anything with her, ever! It's none of her business, even if he marries her. If she tries to tell you anything, tell her thanks, but I'll discuss with "ex idiot" when I see him. Stick to your guns with your ex, don't make it easy for him, but be careful not to walk the fine line between accomodating him and being vindictive.

I wish you a very Happy and blessed Thanksgiving holiday to you and all the
great folks here.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:00pm

Kait,


You're doing really well!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:21pm

Well, it was not as you expected for this week, but hopefully it will get sorted out soon in DD's favor. It sounds like you and DD and grandma handled the first round with flying colors.

It is a shame that your ex had to mouth off at her - I hope you put that in your journal. IN a way it is reaffirmation for you and that is what keeps your family going to bat for you.

As my lawyer once said, when it comes to custody and kids, it is never final until they turn 18. Now is the time for you to be a pioneer with the process and set your boundaries.

I don't think there is a "norm" with regards to visitation - it is whatever the 2 parties work out or the judge tells you to do. I do know of people that have 3.5 days on and 3.5 days off. There are probably a million scenarios out there.

I am hoping for your sake and for the sake of DD that you can be civil with him at some point and work things out so they are win-win for all involved.

Whenever my ex wants to change something I always think - how does this work for DS and how does this work for ME. When it doesn't work in my favor, as he always tried to do initially and even sometimes now, then I boldly and firmly state "that doesn't work for me." It took a few times but now he gets it. When he wants to make a change then he usually has to think about how his suggestion will be fair to me before he suggests it.

We actually do not have any set visitation schedule. He picks and chooses the days each week according to how his work/travel schedule goes and what he wants to do with DS. I must say that although he is gone a lot, he does make an effort to take him half of every weekend. I relish my time alone - have a lot of things to do. So it is really fair and well-balanced now. This is best for all of us. We even have an online calendar where I have DS's school schedule and events I want to do with DS. Then exh puts in his plans - that way we can see what each other is doing ahead of time and discuss the schedule.

So in the case of your EXH, you could take two paths here -
1) NO way for New Year's Eve - we stick to the plans
2) What are you proposing to change it to? What are you negotiating?

Right now it is all new so maybe for you it is better to stick to the plans. But remember that negative leads to more negative. He can do crappy little things that will prolong your irritation with him. Like send her home dirty in ratty clothes. Or pick up late or drop off early or not show up or change at the last minute. It goes on and on and never ends. And what if you need him to be flexible with something that comes up at the last minute?

I think that if you do opt to stick to the plans now you should say, "This is all new and we should stick to the plans and establish a routine for DD so she gets used to it and we get used to it."

On the other hand, you really don't want him to get drunk in front of her for New Year's Eve, so you do have to consider that. The bottom line is that you have to be there for her no matter what. There are times my exh simply does his own thing - he is late or he changes plans and I have no control. But you know what? I always look at it like that is the price I pay for being the one who puts DS to bed most nights and for getting to make all of the day-to-day decisions and for being primary custodial parent. I am the fall guy - I am here no matter what for DS.

My motto was and always is "minimal information, maximal politeness." Meaning that you should say as little as possible and only about DS, hold your ground and be polite and civil. In time your exh will figure out that HE is the one who misses out on something precious when he doesn't step up to the plate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:42am

If he ever wants to wiggle out of visitation, then you need to keep your DD home with you. If he cancels visits, that looks so bad for his visitation case.

Definitely, keep your DD on New Year's. Let him go out and get drunk. Then, when he takes you to court over visitation, you can tell the judge that he didn't exercise all of the visitation that he was given.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 2:56am
Iv'e been all over the world and seen kids who are lucky to get one meal a day and go to a tent school. They manage well, even on one meal a day. Most of them have at least one parent dead. In some places the kids have no family. Many of the kids have seen family members killed. My point, your kid will be fine eating three meals a day for 3 1/2 days at your place and 3 1/2 days at dads place, a bed to sleep in and no worries about armed men coming in with hatchets and guns. You haven't seen "UPROOTED". We live in America, kids here don't have to eat boiled grass and tree bark. Why not be fair, let dad have the kid for half the week and you get the kid for half the week. That will cancel out child support and make everything even and fair. You can both split any other bills. Oh let me guess, you want child support. I guess you want dad to have the kid every other week and have him pay 25% of his earnings to you. Hmmmmm, am I right? I think so. That makes everything easy for you because you can get a 25% increase in money every month then use the excuse of being a single mom when you don't meet your goals in life..... Thank you ex for giving you a chance to be independent instead of a like a child support wh#@$%.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 12:34pm

Lapad,


While I do agree with you that *most* kids in North America aren't in such dire straights as people living in war torn and poverty stricken countries, some kids do live in constant fear- gang violence, abusive or alcoholic or drug addicted parents, low standards in society, lack of good housing for lower income people and families.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 3:47pm

Thank you Alison for the support. You hit everything right on the head.

As for the post previous to yours, Lapad has a lot of nerve! However, it doesn't even warrant a (bigger) response. Alison did a great job explaining my situation!

But just for the record, before someone goes bad mouthing others, maybe they should get their facts in order. You don't know me, my situation, my ex, and you sure don't know my dd. So don't jump to conclusions about anything until you get your facts in order!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 3:58pm

PS: I'm fairly certain that you've never been a parent and have these types of feelings. (Most) mothers have VERY strong feelings and love for their children, as I do for my dd. It's obvious that you don't have the parental feelings as someone who has given birth to a child, taken care of them, nurtured them, and all the while being abused by the child's father. A child needs stability in the home. I tried with everything I had to make my marriage work and all the while was mistreated, abused, cheated on, and belittled. If my ex showed one ounce of wanting to be a father while he was here or even now, none of this would be happening. He is using our dd to hurt me b/c he is a vendictive, manipulative person.

Maybe you should take a good, solid look into your own life. Why are you so bitter? However, I don't really care what your opinion is or what you have to say "lapad." Any further comments from you will be ignored.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 4:10pm

Having 50/50 custody does not cancel out child support, not in my state and I believe not in most states (although parents can sometimes agree to deviate from state guidelines).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 4:19pm

I think you are doing great and have just the right attitude.

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