Next Visitation sooner and just as long

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Next Visitation sooner and just as long
22
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:54pm

Well...once again I consider myself blindsighted. But, I'm just going to have to buck up and face it. Ex gets dd this Thursday at 9am and gets to keep her until Sunday (again) at 6pm. I thought he was only going to get to keep her Thursday, like the judge had stated, but the papers are know stating something completely different. This is going to be hard, but I'll manage. DD came home last night and was so tired and cranky, but very happy to see me. My granny picked her up and brought her to church and when she saw me she just giggled and smiled and held on to me like there was no tomorrow!

My grandmother said that ex smarted off to her when she picked up dd; he's gloating right now. But he's in for a big surprise! I'm not going to allow him to think that I'm moping and being sad for one single minute! He's already had his girlfriend ask me if I will take dd over new year's - but nope, sorry, it's his weekend! I tried very hard for a long time prior to all of this to work things out and to work around his schedule (before all the harassing, violence, etc. that started up again). He's just going to have to learn that he's going to have to help with her. I'm not saying that I wouldn't LOVE for her to be here with me over Thanksgiving and new years, but I'm not going to work around his visitation schedule so he can go out and get drunk. He fought so hard to make my life a living h*ll so why should I roll over and let him get out of his weekends. It's so funny that if he thinks that it's going to bother me if he has dd then he wants her, but if he knows that it's not, then he wants to give her back.

I'm supposed to talk to the judge who HAS NOT ruled on our divorce this afternoon. He's supposed to be signing our papers today, hopefully. My family and I have been hounding this judge for the past week. If he signs this week then there will be a new visitation schedule, one that's not so uprooting, in my opinion. As it is now dd stays with me for 3 1/2 days and then is w/ ex for 3 1/2 days. To me, that is very unstable. How is a child supposed to get used to being somewhere when in a matter of days they are moved around again?

(I hope I'm not talking in circles. I'm trying very hard to rationalize all of this in my head and make it easier somehow.)

I'm just going to have to take things in stride, but I'm not going to let him out of this visit time right now. Soon - very soon - the other document will be signed and everything will be a little better. Until then, I just have to be strong and put on my game face and not let him know that it kills me to let dd leave for so long.

By the way, I took everyone's advise and didn't ask her if she had fun with her dad and ask what she did. I just smiled and said welcome home! I'm not sure that if at 2 things that I could say or ask could make her feel guilty about being away, but I'm not going to take that chance. Hopefully she is better at adapting to this situation than I am, considering she is so young!

Thanks for listening to me ramble!

Happy Thanksgiving and lots of hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 4:35pm

I have followed this thread and cannot say anything better than Alison or First. You two are so on the ball!! Way to go!!

We ARE in American and while we are not eating grass or bark or worrying about the worries the rest of the world has, we do have the pressures of having our kids do well in this very competitive environment. I don't think our "guest poster" has a clue about the day-to-day worries of a single mom never mind one who has to deal with a drunken and abusive husband.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 4:51pm

I think our 'guest poster' had some really great points until she went on the attack and made all kinds of assumptions without any basis.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 5:11pm

Thanks so much ladies!

Yes, the every 3.5 days will soon be over when the other judge signs the papers. This visitation arrangement is only temporary. However, I know that my ex is only wanting to "push my buttons" and I will not allow that anymore. I'm taking things in stride, getting ready to go back to court, and trying to enjoy the free time that is on my hands. I must say, my house has never been cleaner! lol - These past few days I've spent time with my family, cleaned, chatted with some friends, and caught up on some much need sleep, not to mention I've been getting everything in order for court next week.

Once again ladies, thanks for the support!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 5:18pm

Judy - what kind of online calendar do you use?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 6:50pm

I have my own website and put up a free calendar script - I don't know how you would do that if you don't have a site - maybe you can do a google search and see if there are sites that let you do that? There must be some kind of free online daytimer/organizer or something.

Anyway, thanks for the compliment on my motto - but I stole it from Jackie O - it was her motto in the white house when she had to deal with the press. For some reason it stuck in my head and I use it for exh!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 7:07pm

Kait,

We have enjoyed watching you come so far in your case and you have done well.

I think that no matter the visitation schedule it is a hassle to have the child pack up and go to another house. It is hard on everyone and not ideal for sure. The plus is that the child will get good at thinking ahead and being organized and keeping track of their stuff.

With regards to child support - the full time parent is really just handling the money for the child - I know that more than what I get goes out for DS to go to a private school, health insurance, the doctor, the dentist, perscriptions, babysitting while I work, swimming lessons, after-school activities, clothing, gifts for friend's parties, living in a decent neighborhood, uniforms, books, pets, toys, movies, games, etc. That may sound extreme compared to children who are eating grass but this is the US and all children are entitled to the most their parents can give. I am not going to make my DS eat grass to be like others in the world. I will raise him to appreciate what he has and to be aware of those situations. We have donated money and goods to many charities and he is familiar with their stories.

Additionally, being the primary parent represents a sacrifice in many things. I cannot travel all over all the time for work or move and so I am somewhat limited in my ability to increase my income or to be with someone who would do this. I am also limited in my social life and my ability to take classes at night. I believe that most single moms share these limitations. It is why we have this board. I would not trade this for any amount of money, though, as the rewards are very great.

I guess my point is that it is not as pretty as our guest poster may think. Many of us are just making ends meet and we really do pull rabbits out of a hat to be mom and dad to our kids. We have been through a bad relationship or have made a heroic choice to raise a child on our own. There is much pain in that and also in the feeling you may always be alone because not many men want a single mom. I know I never realized the difficulty that a single mom has until I became one. It has made me very strong and very compassionate to others in this world.

We are surely not getting rich on child support - no Bentleys here!

Hopefully this thread has helped us all appreciate what we have - the guest poster was right that there are children in many war-torn parts of the world who are orphans. The scene all across Africa is very sad - so many people of child bearing age have HIV and many many children have it and do not have parents. Women there do not have the opportunities or rights or standard of living that we have here. It is very sad. There is much strife in this world.

But at the same time, the women on this board (and men who also post here) also have their own challenges, even in the more affluent Western world.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 7:35pm

Not to butt in here...but you can get an online calendar on yahoo. Maybe you and your ex can come up with a mutually agreed upon screen name and password and you can share the calendar between the two of you--this way, you both can add activities as they come up....


Just my thoughts...


Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 7:40pm

Judy,


I agree about making ends meet, my ex's child support doesn't


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 8:59pm
Thanks! That is good to know.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 9:22pm

Thanks.

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