Nice guy but needy???
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| Wed, 03-09-2005 - 1:03pm |
Hi ladies, I havent posted since my breakup with ex last June. Boy does time help to heal the wounds of a breakup. For the first time in a year, I feel healthy again, mentally and physically!!!!! Whoo Hoo!!
Fast forward to now......I have been dating occasionally and recently met a guy who is my age, 40, and has two boys like me. He has all the qualities we single moms look for in a man, great dad, wonderfully supportive of my responsibilities as a mom, financially stable, a complete gentleman plus he is nice looking, great kisser too!!! But......No one is perfect, I am sure he has some faults but overall is a wonderful man.
Heres the problem: he is smothering me.......I have been honest and expressed my desire to take it slow. Our first date was 4 weeks ago, and he seems to have fallin head over heels with me, and no I am not conceited.
We have not had sex and he respects my wishes to wait a while. Not that I dont find him sexually attractive, I do, I just have boundaries to protect myself.
Anyway, hes told me he cant imagine not being in my life, he beleives its fate we met, keeps asking what I want from life, said he wants to take care of me, wants to be in my life longterm, wonders where I've been all his life, every time we're together he wants tells me a hundred times-he loves being with me, after our first date, he emailed me constantly, its almost as if I feel he is depending upon me for happiness. Also called me at work and I never gave him my work number. He googled searched me. He left my house Sun at 1:00am then called me at 1:45 to tell me he had a great time....geez, he told me that 10 times before he left, plus I was already in bed! Last night the boys came home after being with their Dad for 4 days, we were spending family time together watching a movie, he called my home and cell, 4 or 5 times, I would not answer the phone. He emailed me this am and said, he was "sorry he called soooooooo many times."
There are so many things about this man I like, but this is turning me off. I wonder if hes just insecure or what?
Please someone give me some feedback or advice.
maggie kelly, if your reading, hello from savannah and congrats on the success with SB!

I hope this doesn't sound wrong, but he sounds like a girl. If you lurk on some of the young-single-not-a-parent dating boards it seems every 4th post is "I called him 12 times yesterday and he didn't call back, what do I do, should I keep calling?" When I was first dating my bf, he had his life and there was room for me in it, but it was clear he did not intented to sit on the phone constantly. I would have this urge to call (or call repeatedly) and I would feel desperate if he hadn't called me. Somehow I had figured out that *needing* to constantly hear from him so that I knew he was still interested was not healthy, and it was one of the first things I asked my therapist to help me with. Since I could tell that calling constantly would make my bf run for the hills, I forced myself not to. I would call him if I was thinking of him, but only once and then let him call me back. Over time we fell into a rhythm of how often we talk and who calls who. My 'pretending' that I was okay without hearing from him every minute eventually turned into my 'being' okay with that. Not talking to him constantly made me focus a little more on my life and filling it up with things that interested me, and making myself happy instead of looking for the relationship to do that.
This guy may realize he's calling too much but can't help himself (or doesn't know how to). What he doesn't know is that by trying so desperately to communicate how into you he is, he is going to kill the romance. I think you have to tell him more than you want to take it slow. I think you need to tell him that you want to be sure he isn't depending on you for his happiness, and that him calling you right after he spent hours seeing you and him talking about the future and how he feels so much is too much for you. Making talking about the future off limits for now. Tell him it's wonderful that he thinks of you right after he's left, but he doesn't have to call, and that it's great that he feels so much for you, but he doesn't have to constantly tell you about it. Tell him to take it down a notch and focus on spending time together *not* talking about how he feels or planning some kind of premature future.
I do think it is a red flag, but not a deal killer. I know gf's that have this problem with always wanting to call, and needing to talk several times per day so that she knows her guy is still that into her. Talking several times each day isn't bad, but when you need it to feel okay about the relationship, that is bad. The good news is the problem is fixable if he can wake up and hear what you are saying to him. The other possibility is that he is falling too fast. That is a red flag in and of itself because falling for someone before you really get to know them, their character, values, etc., (all of which takes time) means you care more about being in a relationship than who you are in the relationship with (pretty much you'll do whatever you have to in order to convince yourself this person is the perfect match, obviously things work out better when you can step back and evaluate the relationship with a critical eye, and it doesn't sound like he's doing that).
I have rambled a lot, but what I'm trying to say is be a little clearer with him on what the problem is and what he needs to do about it, and then wait and see what happens.
Hmmm....I think there are two possibilities....
1) Needy-baby-weirdo-stalker with major issues and red flags....
or
2) This guy is *actually* hopelessly in love with you, and you really can't deal with it.
Yeah, this behavior sounds borderline stalkerish. I would definitely run in the other direction. Even if he is not dangerous, he is way too pushy and sounds like he is overstepping the boundaries you would like to have.
I'm glad you came back and updated us.
Hugs
Tara
So back off bud! Heehee!
I was thinking about this last night . . .
After a month - how well does he REALLY KNOW YOU?
The "I love you" after only a month often times really scares me. I wonder - does he love you? Or do you simply fit into what it is he wants? So he loves the illusion of you? Hard to explain - but after only a month - I find it hard to believe that someone is head over heels in love with me - because after a month - I can't see how they could POSSIBLY know me THAT WELL!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
He feels we have so much in common creating which I believe is creating the illusion I am perfect for him.
Anyway, it stroked my ego at first but now I want to tell him, ok let me recommend a good therapist who can help you with your neediness. Geez!!!
LOL!
Therapists often say that when you meet someone that you feel like you've known forever and are that comfortable with, it's because you have numerous commonalities. But you still don't really KNOW them. You THINK you do because you base your knowledge of THEM on the knowledge you've gained from your own experiences.
It would be one thing if he would say "I'm falling in love with you - I am having the best time getting to know you!" But after a month to insist he knows you inside and out - and loves every bit of you? Not only is it needy and insecure, it's just plain old delusional in my opinion!!!!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/