No Contact U Say? How? I have his son!!
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| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:53pm |
I am trying to be strong. I am listening to all of my friends/family telling me to have some pride and stop groveling in self pity over the breakup of my family. ITS LONG SO GRAB SOMETHING TO DRINK & EAT. I appreciate the time you take in reading it....
Here's the deal. I been with my ex 3 years and we have a 2 year old son together. Throughout the time we were together, I did some really immature things. Each situation just kept breaking him down until he was fed up and we broke up in January of this year. He told me I had to leave his house with the children (2yr old boy & 5 yr old girl). I stayed with a relative until May I got my own apartment which was 5 minutes from my ex.
During the time we were split up (Jan-April) he started to see someone else. As a matter of fact he told me he couldn't sleep with me anymore because he was going to pursue a relationship with this woman. Despite all of his verbal abuse telling me how no man is going to want me because I have 2 kids by 2 different fathers, your a hoe/slut, your not wife material, your nothing without me etc etc... he got with a woman who has 2 kids by 2 different men who are drug dealers. The thought makes me sick while Im typing this because I wonder what does he see in someone like that and who is a Bank Teller on welfare. Anyway.... Me finding out about this woman broke my heart. I still and currently am still in love with him and I wanted us to make our family work. So in May I came to him after finding out this woman had met my kids (after him only screwing her for 2 months) and let it all out. After I was done crying, venting and screaming as I was walking out the door he told me he wanted to talk to me...his eyes started to swell up and he begged for me to stay and hear him out.
To make a long story short, he had realized how serious I was this time and decided he was going to forget all the things I did to him and we were going to try it again. Now dont get me wrong here ladies/gentleman...this man was NOT perfect himself. Yet till this day his pride will not allow him to admit his flaws, he thinks he is a diamond in the ruff and any woman should be lucky to have him. Im thinking this sudden cockiness is from the girl he met while seperated from me. I told him he had to cut her off immediatly. He did. From May-August things were GREAT. It was like we were dating all over again..and the children were also so happy because they were with daddy all the time again. I had my own apt. 5 minutes from him but was always there, I'd come home from work get changed and go right over to his house. He never wanted me to leave, not to mention after a month we sat down and made serious plans about buying a house next year. We also talked about me moving back in, which I turned down for fear moving to quickly would have made the relationship worse.
Here it comes:
Well in August the worst happened. My past caught up to me. He found out that I had slept with someone last year while we were seperated. Living together but seperated is that gray area. I should have knwon better, but I didnt care, he was kicking me & my children out. This man has given me 3 eviction notices for petty things. When he gave me the last eviction notice which was a year prior...it was because I went out to a club alone. He said he couldn't take it and that I had to leave. After making promise after promise he would not yo-yo with me and the childrens life like this...he renigged and told me to go Aug. 2004. I hated him....and I found a "friend". We played pool, smoked, got drunk and did it. 2 weeks later he got a girlfriend and I never heard from him again....it wasn't a big thing. WOMEN CAN ALSO SEPERATE THEIR EMOTIONS FROM SEX!!! it meant nothing to me!!!
Well when he found that out it was OVER! I begged, pleaded, cried..didnt eat for 3 days straight, couldn't concentrate at work. All my hard work this year (going to church, working on my relationship ethics, changing to be a better woman) 4 nothing!! Just to have 3 months of happiness (The best time of his life he said) to go down the drain because of something I did last year.
He said there is no way he could forgive me. Dude fails to realize the emotional trauma I went through when I found out he moved on after 2 months and introduced another woman to our kids. HE thinks I just forgot about it everytime me and him were intimate. Fool! I couldn't get that bytch out of my mind, her rubbing on you, lord knows what positions you two did and etc etc. Yes women forgive very easily but we do not forget!!! I too was hurt because he was so quick to move on and now he is hurt because I moved on last year. We both did foul things, me so more than him but I am a changed woman now and he knows that!!!
Here is the best part:
The girl he cut off he now has gone back to "seeing"
Besides this girl he has another girl he is "seeing"
He treats me like crap everytime Im around - very short, sarcastic, & disrespectful.
Yet...
He still sleeps with me & tells me he still loves me. He wants to be with me but things will never be the same he says. He says he will never trust me again and will never be able to respect me for what I've done. There is a line that if a woman crosses he's done with her, regardless if she has his kids or not. WOW!! Harsh...cruel...cold...no room for forgivness? I forgave you when you smacked me in my face, ripped my panties off and said Im a whore one night we fought, but you can't forgive me for something that happened a year ago???
So I have finally realized that okay - I have to deal with his decision and deal with the consequences of lying about my actions a year ago - back to being a single mother. In order for me to not be that low self-esteem mother questioning why her ex doesn't want to be with his family, I have to STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND REGAIN MY SELF CONFIDENCE THAT I AM A GOOD WOMAN. He stripped me of my self-esteem. Instead for the past 2 months I've been doing the "drunk dialing I love you's", on my knees begging for him to take me back, kissing his ass, dealing with him disrespecting me, doing anything he asks, checking his messages and bank account to see who's calling him and what woman he is spending his money on. ITS SICK & I WANT TO STOP IT!! But how?? I have his son who lives 5 minutes from his father and due to the cirucmstances between mommy and daddy he only sees daddy every 2 weeks!!! "kill him with kindness" i've been told...okay so I've done that only to be met at the door with more disrespect. I am the mother of his son and he treats me like some broad shaking her ass for dollars. Its a horrible feeling when you cannot be loved and respected by the man your still in love with.
This past weekend one of male friends took me to dinner to brighten my spirits. The whole time I thought of my ex. Saturday my ex's mother had a stroke and he called me to come watch the kids while he see her in the ER. I was there for 6 hours...by time he came back, it was late and I had fed the kids dinner along with is brothers kids who were left there. I only got a thanks from his brother, not him. We were intimate and I felt horrible. I felt so used!! He got up and went to play a video game at 2am!! In turn I went downstairs checked his phone and confirmed he was talking to that girl he cut off for me, and someone new. It crushed me so bad I just had to leave!! He asked why I was leaving and I said "i can't stay here." Sunday he calls to see if I wanted to go to the county fair with the children, I accept. All day was like a "family day" but it wasn't complete because it felt "forced." Its like we were playing house for a day, and what I really wanted to do was just hold his hand, give him a kiss and be myself. Instead I was walking on egg shells the whole time to not do anything that would remind him of me sleeping with that man last year. On our way home he said he was cooking dinner and kept staring at me. I knew he wanted me to stay but this is where men are sick, they wont ask, its like they get high off of how easily you give into them. So I said "you want me to stay?" GRRRRRRRR I HATE MYSELF. Of course he says, sure. It was a nice evening, but it felt awkward. I stayed and the love making was soooo passionate, I told him I loved him and he did not respond. Instead he rolled over and went to sleep. He didnt hold me all night...I felt used once again and so angry at myself. I am determined to STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. Ladies 1/2 of the things we go through we allow men to put us through!! NO MORE...im worth more than that. I am the mother of your son and your going to treat me like some trash because i slept with some guy last year when you gave me an eviction notice? But 2 months after we split this year you introduce some woman to my children and sleep with her!!!
So any futher advice and/or opinions you may have regarding this situation are always helpful. I come to this site alot and read many experiances similiar to mine, and I believe it now more than ever WOMAN ARE THE STRONGEST CREATURES ON EARTH!!!
Men your comments are welcomed also, I'd like to know what a man would do had he been my ex.

All I can say is that I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. But if you want to really stop feeling bad and angry at yourself: STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! He's using you, you know it, so don't let him. You are worth so much more than for him to just think he can walk all over you - but you're letting him. Okay, so you made a mistake a year ago...lesson learned. Evidently he's made some pretty big mistakes too and why you keep going back to him is beyond me.
I'm going through my own ordeal right now and it feels kind of weird for me to be giving you advise. However, it's easier to give it to someone than to actually take it and follow through with it. Whatever the case, this man seems to be abusive as well, from the sound of your post. No one has the right to lay their hands on you whatsoever! My ex husband was very abusive, and while it took me a little while to get the nerve to stand up to him, I finally did. I am worth more to myself, my dd, my family, my friends than to let someone belittle me and hurt me - and so are you!
Kait
Honey, I know you love him and I know it hurts, but he is using you. You have to put a stop to it, because as long as he is getting what he wants out of the situation, he's not going to change a single thing. When he wants you to come over, tell him no. And mean it. And stick to it. If possible, have someone else meet him for a while so your son can visit so he can't try to change your mind. You need to get your self respect back, and as long as you let him treat you like this, it's not going to happen. You have come a long way already, maturing and changing for the better the way you have. Don't let him ruin it for you. You are a worthwhile person. Concentrate right now on making yourself better, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and in whatever other way. Give yourself time to heal. Don't go out with anyone for a while, and by all means, do not have sex with anyone for a while, because that will just distract you. You can make it without him, and when you do, you will find a man who respects you for it. My mother had a 5 year old and a two year old with different fathers when she met her current husband, and they have been married 27 years now.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Kelly
I really think you have to pull yourself away from him for good. His behavior borderlines abusive and I think you are more addicted to the attention from him than anything else. This is bringing out the worst in you and you are not at your best for your child.
The others here have good advice - you must listen to them.
You have to put yourself first. Do all you can to realize that he is not what you need for the long term. Sure, you might like the idea of having him and the sex. But you need someone strong and mature who is into you and who does things for your best interest. Not someone who belittles you and uses you. That is very wrong.
Do you have a good friend, older sibling or other mentor - either male or female whom you can confide in and who will help you? While we are always here for you, I think this situation warrants someone in real life who can help you sort out your life and put your priorities in order. I think you need to seek independence from him - emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically. You need to get on your own two feet for you and your child.
When you are all that you can become on your own you will meet the right person for you. And believe me, it will be a world of difference from what you are experiencing right now.
The only contact with him that you have now should be about the kids - when he will see them. Nothing else. Nothing about your personal life or your past. You have to cut the cord.
What do you want to do with your life? What values do you want to teach and portray to your child?
Good luck - I am praying you can pull yourself through. Keep us posted!!
Sounds to me like he was looking for any excuse to end it with you, and wouldn't you know, one came up- you got together with a guy a year ago when things were "off" (apparently that only matters when it's YOU in the equation there, since he seems to have forgotten his own trysts!)
So you're begging for him on your hands and knees, do you feel proud of yourself for that? Do you REALLY want to be with someone like that, someone that you have to degrade and demean yourself for? He's manipulative and abusive, and he's got you wrapped around his finger- he says jump and you say "how high?" He wants this or that and you go out of your way to ensure he's happy so he'll stay with you. How is that leaving you feeling at night? I'll sum it up in the one word you repeated over and over in your post: USED.
You know, honey, YOU have the power to stop that feeling. You're the one that is in control of you and how you react to things. If you're serious about it, then BE serious about it. Get over the idea of a "happy family", since that's NOT what you will receive from this man. And you've been with him long enough to know that, haven't you? I know it's hard to really look at the facts and admit to them, but they're there and they're not going to change.
First thing you have to do, no matter what else happens, is STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM! Not only because you're giving yourself a false sense of intimacy, but because you can't move on if you're still holding out for him. Realize that while you're "making love" to this man you think you love, he's just "having sex" with a female body- he no longer cares for you. No matter how nice you are to him, no matter how much sex you give him, no matter how wonderfully you treat him- he's not interested in a relationship with you, and he's not going to *suddenly realize* the great woman he's letting go of.
The relationship is over, so let it BE over.
You may be lonely and that's what's really driving this obsession with him- so call up a friend to chat, get out to the park with the kids, go to the movies. Find something to do that doesn't involve him, thinking of him, stopping by his place, running into him. It's hard to change the patterns when they've been a part of your life for so long, but the sooner you start, the easier it will become.
And as far as dealing with your child together, think of him now as a business partner. Talk with him only to discuss your son, what time he will be picking up/ dropping off for a visit. Do not get into a personal discussion about yourself or him, and if he asks about you, then you guide the conversation back to your son. There may be a time in the future when you can become friends with him again, and talk and be civil with each other, but now is not that time. Keep it short and simple and to the point (your son) and be done with it.
When you find that urge to talk to him, or to see him, or to beg for him back- that's when I want you to come HERE and talk about it. Get it out here, we're here to help you through this. I was with my son's father 5 years, and it took a long time to break that desire to contact him and have it be like old times- it was so easy to want that familiarity and comfort that I had with him. So I would call a friend of mine and chat about things, and she was great about letting me vent and getting it out. For me I was stuck on the anger with myself, the anger that I allowed myself to stay in that situation for so long, going back time and again knowing that things would not be different. So feel free to come here and vent, we love to have you!
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
You WILL get through this, you're a lot stronger than you think!
Alison
I will say what everyone else has said, YOU NEED TO STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. It's only doing you harm.
Please do not take this as harsh. But, I think you need to work on your own self-esteem and give dating a break. It sounds like you bounce from man-to-man. When you were separated from your ex the first time, you went out and slept with another man right away . You mentioned that you recently went out to dinner with some other guy and that lifted your spirits again (a little).
How about just saying, to heck with men, for a while. Give it a break and concentrate on yourself. Things are so messed up with you and your ex. You have too much negative history together. I'd write him off for good and start over again. Maybe get a therapist to talk to and definitely hang out with some good female friends.
The advice you have received so far as been excellent. I just want to add that there are a lot of women on the board right now that have experienced a break up or are going through one right now, including me. Yes, it's very hard to let go. That's why when you feel like calling your ex, type out a post instead. I have posted a lot over the past few weeks, but that's because the only way I am going to get over this break up is to heal; and talking about things here is real therapy for me. I have a lot of friends here, and it feels like home. You will feel like that also. You do need to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Remember, we are all here for you. Good luck.
Donna.
Thanks so much for all of the advice ladies!!!
I will definetly be coming to this site more often when I feel the urge to contact him.
All of you are so cool, I feel a real support system going on!
So if you'll listen, I'll keep on venting. lol
Its been a week since I heard from my ex.
I checked his bank account and seen that it was in the negative and when I checked the activity, it shows he went to dinner twice at the restaurant in the town the girl he went back to lives in. He just spends without budgeting. I was in charge of all the finances when we were together, so I can see why he's in the negative. Spending his money on these superficial women who just want a man for his money. He's spent over $200 in a matter of 2 weeks at this restaurant but when I asked him to buy his son some clothes for the fall season he said "he's broke". I have accepted that it is now official, they are back to seeing each other. I am more angry than hurt. It hurt the first time I found out he had moved on, but now I just get pissed off when I think about it. I guess its better to be angry than sad.
Next week is his weekend with the kids. He has a wedding to go to next Saturday...so you would think he would call me and either invite me to go (since i rsvp while we were still together) or he would tell me that he can't keep the kids. He is so irresponsible when it comes to that, Im not counting on him to call. Do you think I should call & confirm the arrangements? I can't even make plans with my own life because it falls around his work schedule and his personal life. Im thinking that if he does not call me by next Thursday to confirm any arrangements that I will not call him and consider him just missing out on his visitation weekend. This is sooooo hurting my kids and I hate when they ask me "where's daddy".
I have a feeling he is going to just pop up at my house wanting to see the kids and thats where I am going to put my foot down. I need to be in control of the situation and let him know that he is not going to just be coming over to see the kids because he missed his weekend with them. He can go play house with that woman and her 2 kids. As a matter of fact he can do that for the rest of the year. You see this woman and her children more than you see your own kids who live 5 minutes from you. Its a damn shame!!
I do not want our problems to interfere with him seeing the children, but its kinda inevitable ya know?? He will disrespect me any chance he gets yet thinks he can come over and see them anytime he wants...and I do not want it to be like that.
I will keep ya posted, but feel free to give me suggestions on how to handle everything else.
I suggest that you, if you haven't started already, go to court and have a child support order put in place, as well as have a visitation schedule drawn up. This will force him to have to be responsible, since there are consequences in most places for the dead beat parent. Also, it will establish a set time where you can plan your activities for when you're childless for the weekend. Make sure that your agreement in court stipulates that he give you as much advance notice as possible if he's forced to cancel a visit, and that he cannot just show up and expect the kids whenever he feels it's more convinient for him.
Next thing you should do is STOP looking at his banking information. You have NO RIGHT to access his personal banking information, so stop it. You're not in charge of his finances or his life, so get your hands out of it. Let the courts manage it, if he doesn't pay: consequences. Here in BC Canada, if a parent is behind in payments, the court or family maintenance can put a lien on any property or vehicles they own, can stop their driver's license from being renewed or garnish their wages.
I went to court myself, without a lawyer and did all the paperwork myself. The girl who was at the courthouse front desk was VERY helpful in ensuring I had everything I needed to file the motion properly. I filled out what I wanted: full custody and guardianship and child support. I didn't file for a visitation schedule, and my ex never filed for one back, so... But you can file for those, and add that you want a visitation schedule mapped out and a provision that he cannot just show up and take the kids *whenever*.
The BIGGEST thing I want to tell you, is NEVER, EVER make up excuses for his behaviour to your kids. If they ask you "why did daddy...?" your answer should ALWAYS be, "I don't know honey, you'll have to ask HIM when you see him." Tell him straight out that he will have to be accountable for his actions, that you will not be telling them lies or making up excuses to them on his behalf.
Be strong.
Alison