No longer in my court....
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| Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:47pm |
Tomorrow I have tons of stuff going on at work that are going to be extremely stressful and I need to have my wits about me. I requested from M that I would really need to know from him today, if he is still even willing to make it work. I have been very out of it this week and very emotionally drawn that I cannot afford to be that way tomorrow. So I asked him to come by for a few minutes. He said he can't because he promised his youngest DD that he was going to do something with her. Well, 20 minutes wouldn't have been hard to do, since we aren't that far apart, but anyway, I said ok, then please call me on your way home. no response, no response, no response. So I wrote him this:
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We both know that my asking you today to give me some time of yours via phone on your way home is not unreasonable. Or shoot me an email.
I'm asking you to let me know where I stand with you, so I can have an idea if its over between us. You not taking a few minutes for us to let me know what is going on in your head makes me feel that you no longer want us in a relationship. Tomorrow's conversation (if we even need it) will lead to the fact if that is even what you want, so I guess that is why I want to have my head ready for it and my feelings in check. A discussion tomorrow is only good if you still want to try. Because what you say, is going to be the point where you, I or we make that decision based on what we feel will or will not work. And I need to know that today, so I can also be ready to make that decision and my head is ready tomorrow when I come to work.
If you are ready to end our relationship then there is no need for me to talk about us any further. Then we can move on. No long discussions needed any further. Their won't be a need to pour out any more emotion/confusion between us. Then it just wasn't meant to be. I am just ready to hear from you, if you feel it's time to just call it quits; so I no longer have to invest and add any day of a thousand emotions to what I have already put myself through this week. Knowing what you want will let me know how you saw us. Simple.
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so now the ball is in his court, either he responds and says its over, or he doesn't respond and its then over or he just writes or calls to say he wants to work things out.
Either way, but by no later then 7pm tonight, I will know, because anything later then that is just a mind game. I sent it to his personal email address and work, so their is no worries about him not getting it. (the first thing he does when he gets home is check his emails.)
If he is going to respond tomorrow, he's too late. I am not going to play this game. So he can either let me know or not know and that is his choice now. No mind games for me anymore.

You did the very best you could do with this Kat. And now there is nothing you can do except wait and see.
And I know you are stressed. But I am praying you don't tie your worth and self esteem for how he chooses to manage his life with his exw and kids. Those ARE a big factor and a make or break thing for his next relationship. The trouble is that HE has to see it and agree and want to fix it. Some people are able to look at another's perspectve and some are not.
So the point really - is he able to see and be compassionate with your perspective on all the things that are causing you pain - or does he just want a cherry picture and not to have to deal with them?
I think you win both ways. Either he comes around and can discuss things and listen and try to correct what is bothering you. Or he does not and then you find someone who will.
I think you made a gallant effort to be supportive of him and his kids - especially with going to all those games. That is not easy for a solo single mom who is strapped with work and newly moved here - you stretched yourself. And the situation with his exw would annoy the heck out of any of us, never mind having to deal with a creepy husband. And if truth be told, I think he should not have talked about the being together thing prematurely which he did - probably because he was so happy he just got swept away in the moment - but then when it did happen he is not ready for that yet. I think he is being a guy that way - they never like conflict and like to make everyone happy - which is also why he didn't call. But I think those are 2 more sticks on the camel's back - it is the whole picture.
But no matter what you did what you feel is right for you and for what you want. And that is a good thing. And that is what dating is all about. It is easy at the beginning to be optimistic. And the best relationships stay optimistic. But the ones that are not meant to be have their issues surface and then we have to try again. You have to stay true to yourself.
Keep us posted!!
One more thing - I feel I can really sympathize with you on the exw issue - because my exinlaws really had a lot to do with the ending of my marriage. They interfered in ways they never should have and caused a lot of havoc and stress. And in the end my ex said that everything was fine with his family until I came along - I think that one sentence is what hurled me to the divorce attorney. He simply failed to ever understand my perspective or pain after YEARS of fighting over it. He only wanted a cherry situation that looked good to everyone - he had a total lack of authenticity.
This is not something you want to endure for a long time. I promise you!! You really need someone who can empathize with how you feel and develop a solution that is good and win-win/happy for both parties.
"And if truth be told, I think he should not have talked about the being together thing prematurely which he did - probably because he was so happy he just got swept away in the moment - but then when it did happen he is not ready for that yet."
I had to copy and paste this because it helps me make a point regarding men. For whatever reason they ALL do this sort of thing. My best friend's husband did this regarding getting married and then dragged his feet forever. Why they do this, I don't know. Even my BF did this early in our relationship. I think within 3 months of our dating he was talking about buying me a ring, getting married, where the honeymoon would be etc. etc. It was very nice to hear about, but I didn't take it too seriously because we had only been dating 3 months! But guess what? We've bypassed the one year mark and he's barely brought up the "M" word again. Truth be told, I don't think either of us is ready to live together or get married. We both have too many obligations. I'd feel more comfortable waiting until my oldest graduates next year
I don't condone letting a man "have his cake and eat it too" and I certainly plan on revisiting this issue again within the next 9-12 months. But when a relationship is brand new I wouldn't take too seriously what a man will say in those hormone induced first couple of months.
NOW my very next suggestion would be to go to the bookstore IMMEDIATELY and read the book "Why Men Love Bitches" and the sequel "Why Men Marry Bitches". Don't get turned off by the title. Just read it! It's helped a lot of my friends AND myself to keep your cool and not get sucked in to their smooth talking early on. I was totally able to identify with alot of what the author was saying about being "too nice" and always sacrificing yourself for the guy. It's a very good read and can be quite funny too.
Good luck!
I totally agree!!!!!
I think that is why I am so very comfortable with the super-slow boat that I'm taking with Hiker. I'm glad he hasn't been gushing with all sorts of promises of this or that- because I've learned that it's too easy to make all sorts of neat and romantic plans when the infatuation is still going full-force. But you can't trust anything said during that time. Sure, it's nice and fun and it's wonderful... but I just can't trust it. I've learned to ride that initial wave of passion and heighted emotions- and just enjoy it for what it is. And wait for the REAL STUFF to happen later as the real stuff takes time. That part I've learned... but it's taken me YEARS to learn that, and with making many jumping-too-soon mistakes along the way to *finally* get it.
So with Hiker, there hasn't been any major professions of love or big plans. We haven't talked about anything specific in that marriage-bound realm. But we do talk about what we are RIGHT NOW and how things are... and for right now, things are moving along perfectly. And when it comes time for any of the serious talks, at least I know that I will be able to trust it- because the infatuation wave has had time to die down and I can see that the passion and friendship and bonds are still there.
~shrimpy, loving the passionate slow boat for savoring every moment
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I am 100% with you. We had this argument just last night. He was talking about wanting to marry me and all these crazy ideas for the future. I told him that we can't even pull off a vacation let alone "till death do us part". What's wrong with the here and now?
I told him we could be dead in 5 years and he said he was talking about one year from now. Well to me I want to live in the present and let the future take care of itself. How do we know that we are even capable.