No room for friends....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
No room for friends....
10
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 12:29am

Ok, so most of you remember that I have been in these meetup groups for one year now this summer. In all the time, I never dated anyone and I had a lot of opportunities to do so, but I just didn't want to get mixed up.


Well, unfortunately, I seemed to have made a huge mistake, by going out with this guy that was at my football meetup. We really became good friends and saw each other at more and more events. Finally, we started going out. Not that long, but about 6 weeks.


When we first went out as friends in April, this is what he said: I don't date anyone, because I don't want a relationship, but we can go out as friends. I agreed and said I wasn't ready for one either.


Then not long afterwards, he wanted to see me everyday when he was here, called me everyday when he was out of town and we just started spending a lot of time together when he was around.


The first red flag was when we were out to dinner and his buddy called and he said he wasn't with anybody. He kept saying Nobody and I got up from the table and I walked out. He didn't realize it at first and then he found me about a mile or so down the road as I was walking home. I was so angry. We hashed it out after an hour in the parking lot and eventually

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 12:43am

Hey I am sorry that you are saddened and disappointed. May I offer another persepective? (here is where you can click “close” if you don't).

I have found words like “relationship,” “dating,” “love, “ and other words that seem so simple and common but misunderstood so widely. I think we all go into relationships (whether FWB, dating, casual, friendships, or whatever) with a set of assumptions and expectations and even though we think we are talking with the same language we are not on the same page.

I don't like to think bad guy-good gal or visa versa but each of us are coming from a different place and a different set of expectations and assumptions. I truly believe we all act the best we can. It is just we are wounded and operate from fear and based on our family-of-origin. I keep running up against my view of what my potential partner SHOULD be versus how she actually is. Byron Katie says that if you argue with reality you always lose.

You have a view of what somebody should be, i.e. Being there in a pinch or when having a bad time. He may very well be a “good” guy but clueless on what that means (for you). I work on not judging people and accepting where they are at and move on if it is not a match in values, etc.
I know that I can come across as “bad,” depending on the other person's perspective, family-of-origin, wounds, fears, and baggage.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 12:48am

I communicated my fears to him and he knew that. It doesn't take a lot to say how are you feeling or how are you doing.


It doesn't matter at this point, I get what you are saying, but no matter in dating, friendship or love that is the appropriate

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 1:08am

To use a double negative, I don't disagree. If the other person does not "get me" and we cannot communicate on such a fundamental level of caring then it won't be a fit for me.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 10:16am

Seems to be he wants to have his cake AND eat it too. He IS a player, & to be called that & be proud of it? The worst kind of player.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 10:46am

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 11:14am

To use a double negative, I don't disagree. If the other person does not "get me" and we cannot communicate on such a fundamental level of caring then it won't be a fit for me.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 1:19pm
Mark, ITA with you and I love that quote about arguing with reality and losing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 5:56pm

So similar. I could have written that post. Just like what happened to me and RG. He wanted to be exclusive friends. Still does. I did it for a while but saw the unfairness in it. These guys are thinking of themselves. Besides your guy WAS in a relationship with you no matter how he defines it. It was a relationship. I think he wanted to have that player label and liked it. Do you think the

anonymous
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 6:07pm

Hey Laurie,


nah, I have no room for being friends. I know it was his best friend Matt, I heard him talking. I do know he wasn't seeing anyone else while with me, but yes, wanting me not to see anyone else and only being intimate with him is more then just friendship, it's dating in my eyes. You don't even expect that from a FWB, you expect it when your dating exclusively, NOT when your only "going out".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 7:04pm

Aww Cat - sorry. I think that hurts so much when you like someone and then they don't want the same things that you do - it sounds like you gave it your best shot - but he is not a match.

The only thing I can think of, is that when he said he didn't want a relationship, you should have really taken that at face value and not spent any more time with him - because that is what you want - and because I don't think a man and woman who are both single can just be friends. And if you really want a relationship then you have to be out and about and not wasting any time or emotion on a guy who doesn't want one. I think he led you on by wanting to spend a lot of time with you and by being so attentive. And like the others said, it is bad that he would want to have sex with you, and not have you date anyone, but not call you his girlfriend or treat you like one.

You know, there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and someone to think it is cool to work in your yard with you and have you as their girlfriend. And it sounds like you are doing great with your house. Maybe you can just leave the football meetup for right now and find a different meetup for a bit - give it a rest and then it will all come back fresh.

"I was at his place when he told me his friends called him a player and he thought that was kind of cool."

UGH! I think you are much better off without that one - as we always say around here - NEXT!!