No Spark???
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| Sat, 10-29-2005 - 1:14am |
I have never posted on this board before but I'm looking forward to getting to know you all. I am the single mother of a six year old boy and have been separated for about a year and a half. I have been dating a man I met online for about nine months now. He is wonderful and the complete opposite of my ex-husband, he is very attentive and affectionate and is completely family oriented. I'm not sure if I was so excited in the beginning because he was so different from what I had lived with for 10 years, my ex was always busy and never home, not very attentive or affectionate and this man is the total opposite. In the beginning things were great and we spent alot of time together but lately I have been feeling a little smothered. He has two daughters himself that live with him full time so we don't have a lot of quality time to ourselves because I also have a very odd work schedule, working four days and four days off. I enjoy spending time with him but for the last month or two I find myself wanting to spend more and more time by myself with my son or doing things with my girlfriends. He doesn't have many hobbies so he basically works, spends his time with his kids and me. I think it's great that he is so family oriented but I tried to explain to him that we need to have our own lives as well or else we will never have anything to talk about besides our children. I am happy when we spend time together but I don't have that " I miss you so much feeling" when were apart. Something else that is also bothering me is that I am not overly interested in having sex with him, it feels like there is just something missing, like that "spark". I know that might sound silly and maybe it doesn't always happen like that, I'm not sure. I just don't know if I am settling to be with him but he is a wonderful person and he treats me and my son very well so I don't want to throw away something good for no reason but I am not sure that I feel the same way that he does. I would appreciate any advice you guys could give me as I am really confused right now.
Jenn

I didn't post about this here, but earlier this week I emailed my x-bf because his son was in the path of one of the recent hurricanes and I wanted to see if he had talked to his son and if all was well with them.
Jenn,
It sounds to me like this guy was a rebound from your husband.
Jennie,
I think it's good that you did contact him.
Jennie,
That is a painful bit of info. But I really think it was more about xbf being so unhappy and so caught up in his own drama that he didn't have the capability to feel a spark with ANYONE!
You are sure right about being swept away - they have to have that right off - no waffling to see how they feel. We all have to hold our standards high.
I for one don't want any more drama!!
Hi Jenn and welcome!
I think you should let him go. I think he filled a void from what you were lacking and is not right for you - you don't love him - so let this go and then get on with your life and wait for the right one.
I hope you stay and post with us - you have good advice so far!
Thanks for your honest reply. Sometimes it makes more sense when you hear things from someone who isn't involved in the situation. He is a great guy and I don't understand why I don't feel that chemistry with him, I thought that if I kept waiting that it would somehow happen. I have begun to wonder if there is something wrong with me, I have finally found the "perfect" guy who has all the qualities that I wanted and I'm not attracted to him physically. How is that possible? I'm not sure how to go about speaking to him about it, is it something that we could fix if we talked about it? I'm just afraid to let him go and then be filled with regret later on.
Hi Jenn,
Yes - I have experienced just what you are going through. It was with a guy who is perfect on paper - he has a great job/career, is very nice and attentive and really likes me. Our dads worked together and we grew up together. We even have a lot of the same interests.
We were friends a long time and then all of a sudden got a spark. For me the spark only lasted a few weeks and then there was no chemistry. I think the problem was he came on very strong sexually and I did not stop that (I was much younger and not nearly as assertive as I am now) and then we just didn't click. The more he tried, the more he turned me off. This was 15 years ago. When he found out I was divorced 4 years ago he was single and still interested in me. I went out with him a few times and still felt turned off and this was as a single mom who was anxious to start dating again.
You simply cannot manufacture chemistry. I think you can give it a chance over a month or two but if it is not happening then it won't happen. I have seen and experienced cases where people who have been friends for a while suddenly develop a spark, but that works because it is simultaneous and mutual and then grows.
After going through the posts in this thread again, I think you have no choice but to end it. You have to give yourself time now to get divorced and become a single individual again. Otherwise you are just stringing him along, which is not fair; the longer you wait, the harder it will become. I think if you read through the posts here you will see that this problem has become more evident and you may even be developing an aversion to being with him?
At any rate, don't worry, you will certainly have a mutual attraction towards someone very nice in the future when you are ready. Take good care of yourself now and get your head in a good place. Then great things will come to you.
I hope this helps - please keep us posted.
Wait!