No superstar status
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| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:33pm |
Okay - usually I have a lot of good thoughts and ideas while on a long bike ride. It is good thinking time because I have no "people interruptions." Sometimes I think of you guys with your posts - or just reflect about stuff in my life in general - getting ideas for work - what to do with life situations, stuff like that. I mean, I have hours and hours to kill on the bike each week. And no radio - just the stuff in my head.
And during the ride for the race I was thinking about relationships in general and had a bit of an epiphany. A guy is just a guy. He is like any other person. Or any other friend. Sure you might have a crush on him, feel connected, like the way he touches you, talks to you etc.
But he is no different than any one other HUMAN. He IS going to let you down, he IS going to make you mad, he IS going to disappoint you - at some point in time - he can't help it - and that is okay. We have all had friends who have let us down from time to time. Disappointed us. Hurt our feelings, etc.
So I do think it is best to approach a new relationship with this in mind. Wait and see what happens over time. Don't go wild and give it superstar status. Because no one in reality is a superstar. Even as much as we love our kids, we are not superstars. We get too tired to cook a very favorite meal. We get busy, we lose patience, etc. But we do the best we can. That is what we need to find - someone who does the best they can over time.
I also think we cannot wear our hearts on our sleeves and get upset when they say something or do something we don't like. We have to COMMUNICATE our feelings and needs and not be shy about them - of course you have to do that in a nice way. Put yourself first.
One example - Fireman had called the day of the race and was chatting - he was at work and it was early. So, he said, call a little later so I can wish you luck and say good night.
But you know what? A little later I was tired - I had seen a lot of friends at the race and some were calling me to say good luck and I was stressed from thinking about it - because my coach has trained me harder than I have ever trained before - I put in like 3200 miles to get ready for it. The other people he trains were having great races and so I felt the pressure, especially since it is the first really long distance one for him.
And you know what? I decided I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone else anymore. And I didn't want to be disappointed if I couldn't talk to him or if he somehow said something I didn't like and to carry those thoughts for 6 hours of a very important day for me. So I shut off my phone and went to bed. He would have to wait until the next day for the race report itself!
Maybe that is what it means to be a BITCH - babe in total control of herself. Just take care of you!

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That is the absolute approach, Judy! I think I had that same epiphany when I started dating Hiker. Just that whole deal with not making him into more than he is. He is a great man, sure... but he isn't something beyond just a normal human being. I love him but I'm not over-the-top with it as if he was some celebrity that I feel graced to share some air with. It's just nice and comforting that we CAN share air together, and just by being together, it's special. But it's not because HE is a superstar. I'm amazed at how you put your finger on that- and stated it so well. He can WOW me, but he's not someone who would just wow the rest of the world. But him wowing me- is what matters because I'm the one with him.
Just like the whole "he's not the centerpiece" thing. Hiker means alot to me, but he isn't the centerpiece. And what makes that work is that he doesn't WANT to be the centerpiece either. He'd rather sit at the table WITH me.
And yay for you for not calling Fireman if you're not up to it. Again- you're not making him the centerpiece at the sacrifice of yourself. I've done the same thing with Hiker too. If I don't feel like talking to anyone and he calls... I just let it go to voicemail. I know he will still be there tomorrow- and I also know he won't be upset because I didn't answer the phone. And if there was a time when I called him and he didn't answer... it's also no big deal. I can catch him the next day. We're not centerpieces- we're all part of the party.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think this is perhaps because we have had the centerpieces and then the ensuing drama and trainwrecks because we either:
a) had huge expectations that no human could possibly meet?
b) only saw what we wanted to see because we made them superstars and did not see what we should see?
c) all of the above?
I guess all of this time to myself has made me so happy I don't want to give it up.
My race went so well - it was a great start to my season -
I did post a bit about it in Alison's Judy thread:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=10041.1&ctx=0
I hope I don't freak you guys out with the distances - it did take me over 6 years to work up to that!
I totally agree with your epiphany. I had that particular revelation after things ended with 3 Month Fling Guy. My X wasn't some once in a lifetime love that went awry, I can feel that way about a lot of guys. M is right for me right now, I'm not ready for more, I like my "me" time. I think one gets to be able to not overthink and get over wrought in a relationship only if one is content to be alone, comfortable in one's own skin. Most importantly, I realized I didn't have to have any guy in my life to feel I was OK, or successful or something like that.
I can be relaxed with M because I know if things get icky, I can move on- painful yes, but I KNOW it isn't going to do me in. Also, I've survived all the crap that comes with a long term relationship, I know I can make a good relationship last and I know when to walk away. One person's idea of an annoying behavior may be another's "thing I can't stand".
Funny you should mention this. I had this exact epiphany about two months ago with my Monkey. They're all human, and so are we. I have been much happier since I got this into my head. I don't get upset about little things he does or says any more.
Unlike some other posters, I feel that Monkey and the kids are the centrepiece of my life. I love my friends, enjoy my work, like my hobbies, but this family I have created is the fixed point around which my world orbits. I have waited a long time for it, and I am determined to keep it, and to work at it every day. Sure, life kicks in and things aren't always easy, but now I have had this "human" epiphany, things just seem easier to handle or to accept.
Clem xx
You're absolutely right- I wouldn't stand being put on a pedestal, and I certainly don't place men there.
The trouble with pedestals is that when you get knocked off- and you ALWAYS will, it's a long, long way to fall. I'd much rather just be me, and have the guy just be him, and see if we are compatible- because we're not perfect, not in spite of our imperfections.
My quirks need to meld with someone else's, not be ignored or overlooked. I will change what I WANT to, not what someone wants me to, and if after changing, I'm not right for a particular person anymore, then I'm not right for him. The same should apply for him- I couldn't stand a man who changed everything about him because he thought that was what I wanted.
I agree Judy, and am glad your riding gives you time to think about all of this!
Moody, who uses her commuting time in much the same way
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I don't like pedestals either- that this reminds me of something that just happened the other day.
Marlboro Man (a guy I dated for 6 months, about 3 yrs ago) calls me once in a blue moon (for some reason he keeps doing that). And the other day, he calls to tell me he was moving at the end of the month to another state. Says he wanted to say bye and have dinner or lunch or something. I didn't make plans with him because I'm dating Hiker- and although I do think Marlboro Man is a very nice guy, I really don't care to keep opening that door (even as just friends) but yet he does. Anyway, during that phone conversation as I told him that I'm still dating Hiker, he mentioned that he was dating someone awhile back (someone from his work)- but it didn't last. He tells me that he spoke highly of me alot and she got upset at him for always talking about me. DOH on his part!!! You don't ever go on and on about an old GF when you're with a new GF, idiot!!! Big-time oops!!
He made it sound like they broke up because of me. Not because I was ever even in the picture, but because he kept "speaking so highly of you"- referring to me. Hey man... I never ASKED to be up on that pedestal of yours, and once we quit dating, I surely don't think I should've remained up there!!! Pretty crazy, for him to ever have gone into a new relationship but leaving the old GF up on that pedestal. That's asking for disaster, if you ask me.
So I agree, Moody... leave me OFF of any pedestals. I know I'm valuable and can be special in my own way- but I don't want to be up on display like a prize or worshipped!! Yikes!
Just let me be me, and let me be human. And do the same to the man, too.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
OMG you sound like me!!! Sometimes with my BF I just let it go to voicemail when he calls because we get into these discussions where I end up feeling defensive or a little hurt because frankly, he's just not a phone guy. He's really good about calling even though I don't require it. Sometimes I just listen to his voicemail and get a better feeling and then I'll call back and leave a nice one on his after he's gone to work. LOL LOL.
That's awesome about your race too!! Is it a half marathon or a marathon? I am a runner too and right now am training for my first 15K of the season. I'm going to see how my running time is with that race before trying to decide if I should train for another half marathon this year. Training for a 13-miler is tough and my knee has been bothering me from skiing so much this year.
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