No superstar status

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
No superstar status
17
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:33pm

Okay - usually I have a lot of good thoughts and ideas while on a long bike ride. It is good thinking time because I have no "people interruptions." Sometimes I think of you guys with your posts - or just reflect about stuff in my life in general - getting ideas for work - what to do with life situations, stuff like that. I mean, I have hours and hours to kill on the bike each week. And no radio - just the stuff in my head.

And during the ride for the race I was thinking about relationships in general and had a bit of an epiphany. A guy is just a guy. He is like any other person. Or any other friend. Sure you might have a crush on him, feel connected, like the way he touches you, talks to you etc.

But he is no different than any one other HUMAN. He IS going to let you down, he IS going to make you mad, he IS going to disappoint you - at some point in time - he can't help it - and that is okay. We have all had friends who have let us down from time to time. Disappointed us. Hurt our feelings, etc.

So I do think it is best to approach a new relationship with this in mind. Wait and see what happens over time. Don't go wild and give it superstar status. Because no one in reality is a superstar. Even as much as we love our kids, we are not superstars. We get too tired to cook a very favorite meal. We get busy, we lose patience, etc. But we do the best we can. That is what we need to find - someone who does the best they can over time.

I also think we cannot wear our hearts on our sleeves and get upset when they say something or do something we don't like. We have to COMMUNICATE our feelings and needs and not be shy about them - of course you have to do that in a nice way. Put yourself first.

One example - Fireman had called the day of the race and was chatting - he was at work and it was early. So, he said, call a little later so I can wish you luck and say good night.

But you know what? A little later I was tired - I had seen a lot of friends at the race and some were calling me to say good luck and I was stressed from thinking about it - because my coach has trained me harder than I have ever trained before - I put in like 3200 miles to get ready for it. The other people he trains were having great races and so I felt the pressure, especially since it is the first really long distance one for him.

And you know what? I decided I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone else anymore. And I didn't want to be disappointed if I couldn't talk to him or if he somehow said something I didn't like and to carry those thoughts for 6 hours of a very important day for me. So I shut off my phone and went to bed. He would have to wait until the next day for the race report itself!

Maybe that is what it means to be a BITCH - babe in total control of herself. Just take care of you!

Pages

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:35am
How are things moving along with Fireman? Any plans for the weekend with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:36pm

Thanks for asking. There is not really earth shattering news to report. He is calling and we are doing things bit by bit as we both have time.

This morning we rode our bikes and then I made lunch - now I am working and he is home doing stuff around his house. And this weekend as long as xh picks up DS we will probably go to the beach when he is off from work. We are having fun and doing stuff and learning more about each other.

I think this is a good phase - he only wants to date me - and same with me for him - and we are just doing stuff and having fun and getting to know each other. It is comfortable and there is no craziness yet. I think my dogs are even more used to him. Usually when he comes over they run around in circles and the big puppy barks at him. But now they just meet and greet and then chill. Too funny!!

My friends got to meet him and they like him.

I think it is good because we are both older and know what we want and don't want. There is no rush. And the more we get to know each other, the more we think we are a match. There is good chemistry and sparks in our kiss and I like that very much and can tell he does, too. He really likes riding his bike with me. I am still fatigued from the race - not so much that my legs are sore - just an overall fatigue from the effort - usually takes a couple of weeks for that to go away. And my coach gave me this week off. So I am having fun with not having to train hard. We had a nice leisurely ride.

Yesterday I did go clothes shopping so I can have fun stuff to wear for warmer weather. Have not been shopping in so so long because usually I am too busy. DS was studying and listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers in one of the stores - bad mamma! But it is the only way/time I could go. So I am looking forward to dazzling him in the outfits. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 6:56pm
I wanted to bump this thread up since I thought it was a good one and I still apply it now. And there are a lot of newbies and I think it goes with my thoughts for Shrimps QOTW.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:01pm

Thanks for bumping up an older topic. The philosophy goes both ways. Sometimes we guys look at woman and we WANT to talk to her or approach her...or something! But then it's almost like we deify them and convince ourselves that mortals like us are not ment to mingle with The Gods and we chicken out...well maybe not quite that dramatic, but we all do it.

I think the best possible approach to dating is this:
It is ok to be rejected.

It WILL happen to all of us at some point no matter what we think of ourselves. The key is to have the courage to keep going after someone says, "No Thanks" whether it happens when we first ask someone out or whether it happens at the end of a relationship.

So when I do get turned down (the word "rejected" just seems too harsh), I'll just come here and vent to you guys:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:37pm

I totally agree with yo on that... (so... have the children gone to bed now.....)

I have found soooo much freedom in dating now that i'm not basing my whole identity on whether or not i get the "phone call" or rejected or whatever.... My new philosophy is live in the moment... i compliment a guy or tell him how i feel... i lay it all out there... Not even "expecting" something in return.... (when i get in that "he has to like me" mode... thats when it turns ugly for me)... Yet, i try to balance with the "play it cool" mode so that the guy can pursue me if he's interested... (see my other post for my question addressed to shy guys.. is there really such a thing?)

There is freedom in being real and NOT trying to figure men out (or women).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:07pm

<<<<>>>>>

Very well said. I'm going to have to remember this statement the next time I'm in "overanalyzing" mode!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 12:25am

This is response to "Doing the best we can do" area of discussion.

I just got "dumped" (even though we were not dating but did stuff together .. let's not go *there* about what is a date) by this woman I did a couple of things (coffee, movie, park concert with her grown son).

I don't feel any loss for it was a activity-friendship type of thing for me but still I am exasperated from how she dealt with this.

Here was the scenario: I got tkts to see the Monty Python Broadway musical Spamalot for me and my two kids. My son could not make it because of school which he told me the afternoon of the play. I started calling people whom I wanted to go with and was not getting replies back or a "no." Terra was one of those people.

Here is what she sent me after 1.5 wks from leaving her the voice mail:
Hi Mark,
I've been trying to come up with the right words to express how I am feeling, without causing you to feel funny.
I don't feel that we are a good mix. You demand a certain degree of accountability that I cannot give you at this time. That works for you, and that's a good quality, but it doesn't work for me now.
When I hear or see a message from you, that I must get back with you right away, it bothers me.
I've come along ways in terms of who tells me, what to do and when. I think it is all in the way it is communicated, and I guess our communication is not matching up.
Please, don't take what I've written in the wrong way.......Someone else would really appreciate those qualities in you.
Sincerely,
Terra
---
My response:
Subject: Thanks for the honesty

I appreciate the response Terra.

When I leave such messages it is because I have something that requires an immediate response in order for me to plan. I had tickets that I needed to use and therefore was requesting such a time sensitive response.

It sounds like that is a hot button for you. It is good to know what those are for yourself (and for me).

Communication is tricky and requires patience and grace between both parties. I am usually aware of making requests and not demands but then again if you hear something different then the communication breaks down and that is where patience and grace comes into play.

I wish you joy in your journey and thanks again for getting back to me.

Mark

Pages