Not about dating about Baby Daddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Not about dating about Baby Daddy
15
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:16pm
I am just wondering if anyone else has to deal with the father of their child being with the woman that he cheated on you with that you absolutly hate and wish would fall of the face of the earth? And still tries to get you back but you don't want him but then he throws her in your face to make you feel bad, and well it works then you feel crappy and you don't know why b/c you are trying to move on with your life but you still love him. I know it sounds confusing but has anyone else ever been in this situation. You love someone but can't be with them because all they do and have ever done is hurt you? I don't talk to him and try to aviod him and I do go out on dates. I just was hoping that someday this wouldn't hurt and it still does. What can someone do? I think I have done everything, leaving him alone, not asnwering his calls, not going up to visit him when he begs me too. I just don't know why I am still hurting. If anyone has any advise that would be great, or if you have been through the same situation, let me know what you did. And by the way I am dating someone but I just do it because, not because I want the guy or anything, it just gives me something to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:29pm

It's fairly common to want to be with the father of your kid, even when you know the guy is no good for you. I think you're doing the right thing though. Don't take his calls and don't see him. It will hurt for a while, but eventually he will mean nothing to you. The girl he cheated with will also fade away. Odds are, he'll leave her for yet another woman.

About the guy you are dating, I don't think you should see him unless you are really getting something positive out of the relationship. If he's just a way to pass the time, you can find something more rewarding to do with your time. Take up a hobby. Increase your education. Do something worthwhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:47pm
I know that you say that it is common. But how long is it going to hurt? I meant it's been 4 months now. I am in school and work full time and take care of my son. You would think I wouldn't have time to be upset about this but I still am. I guess there is not much to say except that hopefully eventually I will get through this. Thanks for your response
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:08pm

I like the advise that fivesense gave you.

It will probably take a year or more for you to lessen the pain. It sounds like you are doing everything right - you have to avoid all contact except what is absolutely needed for your child.

Time, people, activities - those are what help you forget and move forward. Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:52pm
4 months isn't very long at all. They say it takes half the amount of time that you dated to get over an ex. I think it's even longer if you have a child together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 6:01pm
So that means it will be about 3 1/2 years before I can move on. Thats not very good news. I guess I was just hoping to feel better after getting about of the relationship because he was so hurtful and mean to me. Everyone just kept saying oh when you leave him things will be so much better and you will feel so much better, but they failed to tell me that I would still hurt whenever I see him or hear about him. ( I don't know why I loved him after all he did or why I still love him) My life is moving in a good direction right now and as long as I stay on track I know it will be better in the future, but as far as now, it still hurts. I just don't feel like anyone understands. But thanks for your advise. I appreciate it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 6:46pm

Work, going back to school, dating others, as little contact as possible w/X- all in the right direction. The one thing that you haven't mentioned is counseling. Having that objective, supportive person helped me a lot. I journaled and read a lot to help me let go. Really, it is the anger that takes the longest time to heal. I loved my X, in spite of how horrible he was to me, we were together for nearly 30 years. I don't love him now, not that way. I can see him much more objectively. That took about 2 years, the anger is still there, but much less intensely. A really good book is Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher. Another was Surviving Infidelity, can't remember the author. Both of those books helped me move on.

My X is still with the OW, whom I loathe and always disliked even before she was the OW. I wouldn't trust her with my dog, yet the X makes sure I know he lets her care for our D2. But I can accept that I can't stop him and I try to not think about it. I've met someone special, that has helped in healing the hurt of lost love; but, I already was far along the road to letting go before I met him, so I was open to feeling that way about someone new.

I know it is hard at this stage, but try not to dwell on the memories. I had to actively distract myself whenever I found I was missing him, or mourning my lost dreams. Now I can see him, with the OW and I don't feel anything. I still dislike her, but I don't feel emotional pain.

Best wishes, it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:23pm

Something that really helped me, like queenbun said, was journaling. I found it very useful to write out the thoughts that kept swirling around in my head over and over, then I could look at them and see what was really going on. I'd find I wasn't missing "him" as much as the companionship, or the friend to talk to, or someone to hang out with. Other friends and family can definately help fill that void.
One other thing I liked to do was to journal when I was feeling good and happy, in addition to when I was feeling bad. That way, when I was feeling bad I could go back and see that there are times I feel good. Kind of a reminder that the bad feelings would pass and I would make it through.
Hope this helps. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Hang in there!

Sheesh

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 12:00am

HI mom,


Welcome to the board.


While not all the mom's on this board had their partner leave for another woman, they can all relate to the pain.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:25am

yes, i have been and am in your situation as we speak. I divorced my ex 4 years ago. We were together for 5 years, but only married 14 months. We have a 4 year old. After the divorce he took off and would drop by to visit our kid about every 6 months. I started dating even before our divorce was finalized. Bad idea because i was on the rebound. Like you i was dating just to forget him. However, it just made things worse because i kept on comparing the new guy with the ex. I ended up breakig new guys heart. Not cool. Staying away from ex, not talking to him did help. But when i did see him he would flaunt his exploits with all his women. I pretended not to care, but inside i did. It tore me apart. I thought i was over him until a few months ago. I started having feelings again for him now that hes back in the picture. I started longing for him, remembering good times etc. I even talked to him about getting back together! After 2 months of drama I decided that our time had passed and that we were no good for each other. He was the same guy i divorced (same crappy job, living with his mother, no ambition, no $, bad dad, no child support). The only thing that had changed was that i was in a very lonely, vulnerable place. Tired of the dating crap and all the players. After thinking it over and taking my time i realized that getting back into a crappy relationship just because im lonely, tired of dating, and jealous that he's having flings left and right is not an excuse. So right now i'm taking this time for me, spending time with my son, finishing my Master's and concentrating on being happy single. If a guy asks me out i might even say yes. But im not building any expectations and only having fun.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 9:33am
That does make me feel alot better. I know that others have been through this but I just can't see right now how you got through it. I also didn't like the OW before he got with her. I try to hold back all the anger but its hard. I appreciate your response and I will go get those books. That is one thing I have not tried so it might work for me also.
Thanks a million.... it helps knowing I am not the only one having to deal with this.

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