Not even sure where to start here ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Not even sure where to start here ...
44
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 3:11pm

except to say I am appalled & disgusted at what this country calls a "Court system" & how no one seems to have a clue.


Lets start w/ some of the thing in the psyc report:


*"shortly following the courts recommendation that family become invloved in therapy, last year, mother made an appt with me. But father did not do so for 11

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 8:03am
There is frequently good content in your posts here. I am having trouble with your delivery lately though because there is a palpable amount of contempt in what you write for the OP's. Can you tone it down and still give the same content you want to? I know you might mean to help but if your posts are abrasive or have a level of judgement to them, they wont be read at all and it does seem you have things to contribute to the discussions here. Just a thought.
ue
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 8:54am

The psyc is involved here for a reason - b/c emotional & verbal abuse was being dealt out, to a child, by a mentally ill parent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 8:57am

I don't know what other posts you're talking about, but this one was intentionally written in the same tone that the OP addressed me with (even after I initially said I would prefer not to comment on her particular case). It is, in fact, the same tone that she uses in any post about her ex. She always uses all caps to highlight particularly catty comments -- here, that it was silly for me to say the psych report was hearsay unless I thought she was going to "FAKE A FAX" from the psych. So my reply -- which I think made some accurate observations -- was designed to show that that abrasive, judgmental tone she uses toward him (and toward me in her last post that I replied to) gets a bit old, as does the self-righteous, extremely critical and emotional, almost histrionic attitude (he is "SUCH A LOSER" OR "TRULY PATHETIC"). But of course no one says anything about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 10:51am

I do agree with citylife that your posts have good content but they can be delivered in a mean and attacking fashion. Maybe you are just passionate about what you are saying and do not realize that? In the best interest of our board I would like to offer details to help.

The first one that caught my eye was this one:
"Also, I wonder what the psych -- or the mediator -- would say about your posting all the details of this ongoing dispute or your relationships with several men on a message board."

The purpose of this board is for single mothers to post about their dating life and their relationships. It is also an outlet for us to also share the burdens of single parenthood - unfortunately that does often include ex-spouses who are often very troublesome with drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, lack of financial support, mental illness and more. The stories I have read here over 5 years have made me realize and appreciate how my exh, even on his best days, is a saint. It has made me happy when we as a group can help single moms communicate better and set boundaries and get a better life and we have watched many bloom along the way. It has humbled me and made me realize that many in this world are given an unfair judgment or label because they are a single parent. I feel I have greater empathy for those who experience prejudice in this world for many reasons.

I do find your post to be a bit offensive to me where you say
"I'm sorry, your ex plainly has problems, but he can't be as horrid as you say, no one can. And even if he is, do you think you have any flaws at all?"

Rlch has clearly had a bad hand of cards with an ex who is an alcoholic, who is not helpful or responsible, who frightens his daughter and makes her feel sad, who doesn't pay child support and who endangers his daughter with abusive behavior because he is angry at her. Rlch is here to gain support for the problem and to use our opinions to try to get the best situation for her daughter - in a situation where many of us, probably including myself, would probably choose the path of PAS instead of all she has done to try to make him a good father. She posts to all of our posts and is a generous person with her opinions and support here. She has been a total asset when we have problems dealing with alcohol - her perspective is important. She, like the rest of us, all have flaws. But we do not need someone to come and say that those flaws are cause for us to stay silent with our own problems.

So, while you may not agree with what she does, and you can state so - we always encourage a differing opinion because many people see situations in a different manner - I do encourage you to be supportive. Sure she has flaws and might do things a bit differently than you - but I am hoping you can be more positive and realize and respect that she is different.

To me I read this statement as attacking, not supportive and over the top:
"And even if he is, do you think you have any flaws at all?"

Maybe you were trying to make another point - but I read that as saying that because she is not perfect she has no right to post a great worry and struggle to help herself deal with it and help her child. Personally, I do see a great problem with a daughter growing up with an alcoholic father that abuses her verbally - because that is often what causes them to marry one like that.

Here is where you are very helpful in my eyes:
"So my initial point -- that there are two sides to this and every story, and that mediators don't place too much weight on any psych report because they are trained to look for both sides -- remains the same. And even if the psych had unequivocally recommended no visitation whatsoever in the strongest possible language, the mediator has no obligation to simply defer to that. He would almost certainly take in the psych's viewpoint along with all other information, including his own sense of the parties involved and how they presented themselves (calmly/rationally or with extreme emotion) in reaching a decision."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 11:26am
Well said, citylife - and I commend you for writing your opinion so well. I feel honored that so many take such an interest in keeping our board good on a daily basis!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 12:40pm

I'm usually a lurker here but the supercilious, holier than thou

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 12:45pm
Well said and thank you for coming out of lurkerdom! How are you doing? I remember you from WAY back!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 1:54pm

Great post, Judy, it is why you are our mighty leader.
Yes, I find galmalia's post over the top and as city posted contemptuous. I do walk in Rlch's shoes and I know what happens when kids grow up with a emotionally, verbally abusive parent. My S19 has self esteem issues that will take years for him to overcome. Without a strong and very firm psych, Taz won't get better. That is the reality of crappy personality disorders. Unlike other disorders there is no pill one can take to even out their thinking. I commend Rlch for her success at getting Taz into therapy. Most people with this type of mental illness don't get treated and spiral more and more out of control, creating chaos for anyone around them. Eventually that abuse becomes physical, it is just a matter of time. Why should Rlch's little girl have to be subjected to that if it can be prevented?
Yes, this board is about support, and we do have differing opinions. I don't agree with all posts, but still I can disagree without being judgmental.Great job reminding us why this board exists and the "rules" of engagement.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 4:02pm

Well said QB!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 4:13pm

Thanks QB. This is an example of why our board is so good - because there are always people here who understand a situation that is posted. I am amazed at how much I have learned about the importance of mental health for a relationship.

I am so sad for your DS, too, and I know you have done all you can to work with your psycho exh and make things better for your family. It is true that many people with personality disorders/mental illness/substance abuse problems spiral out of control and wreak havoc in far too many lives. And I believe that every child deserves to have a life free from that and to be treated as a cherished human being. NOT all parents deserve a clean slate.