not a fan of single life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
not a fan of single life
4
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:30am
Hi
I am new to this particular board. I have a six year old daughter. Her father and I were married, he first left when she was less then a year old. We tried till she was 31/2 to work things out but finally it just got to hard. So I packed up my daughter and lived like a hermit for the next 2 years. I tried dating once or twice, but wasn't into it & I find it impossible to meet anyone. Then last summer I meet a man that swept me off my feet. Unbelievable chemistry between us - he was "the one." He has 2 children, all three kids got along great. My daughter adjusted to him being around every day. We had planned to move in together & all was perfect. I was "giddy" about the whole thing. Then Mr. WOnderful ripped the rug out from under me & changed his mind about everything. Now I am left with a broken heart again, and my daughter is wondering where his kids are. Being with him was so comfortable - so good. We had a deeper connection then I had ever shared with my husband.
But now I am left to pick up the pieces. He is gone - we have had a drawn out break up but it is over now completly as of this past weekend. Although I am not ready to date again, I hate being single. People feel sorry for you and I feel like I have faied at yet another relationship so what is wrong with me. Although my daughter does see her father I have custody & she is with me most of the time. So meeting men isn't exactly easy. Am I in for yet another lonely summer? Is it even worth bothering again or just wait till my daughter is older. I did everything right with this guy that I just split from - and yet it still failed. What next? For two years I just went from one day to the next with no actual "purpose" other then my daughter. Now I feel I am right back there again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:18pm

Mitchellj2004, hi and welcome! We're all a great group of really mixed moms (and dads, and want-to-be-moms, and women dating dads, and, well, you get the idea) on this board. Some of us are in serious relationships. Some of us are casually dating. Some of us haven't had a date since before the dawn of time (that would be me). BUT, I think I can honestly say we all have one thing in common. We've felt the loneliness you describe.

Six year old kids are pretty astute. I know this because I have a seven year old and a five year old. So, you can tell your daughter that sometimes people get along better when they don't see each other as much anymore. Maybe she can still play with his kids on some neutral ground, like a local park? If that is absolutely not an option, or you just can't handle it, does she have lots of other playmates, or maybe family members her age to play with? She'll bounce back, and probably before you do, so don't beat yourself up too much about that. I wouldn't be too quick to jump into another serious relationship, but that's for a lot of reasons, and she's only oe of them.

Time heals all wounds, and as tired a cliche as that is, there's a reason cliches are cliches. They usually are true, they usually make sense, and even though they sound trite, they often are the only thing others know to say.

I know what you mean about people feeling sorry for you, boy do I, and so maybe you need to find other singles to hang with. There's nothing like making new friends-not ditching your old ones, mind you, to cheer a person up. Maybe you and your daughter should find something new and exciting to learn to do this summer. Maybe mommy should, by herself. Learning something new, anything, is very empowering.

I'm not really a fan of the single life, either, but I'm a fan of MY life, and right now, I'm single. So, we make the best of what we have (something trite about lemons is coming to mind) and learn to truly enjoy it.

As far as your relationship failing, that's not your fault. It wasn't meant to be. There's nothing wrong with you. You haven't failed. Sometimes, we simply aren't meant to be with a person, no matter how wonderful they seem for us, no matter how well we seem to get along, no matter how right things seem. They simply aren't meant to be. That doesn't make us failures. That doesn't mean we did something wrong. It just wasn't meant to be.

Moody- who's full of trite, tired old lines today


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:41pm

Hi, and welcome.

I can relate to your post very much. I have had a few broken hearts over the past 8 years of being single. I have also wondered, as you do, what is wrong with me. My exh left when my twins were 3 months old, and they will be 9 in July. I have had 3 long-term relationships during those 8 years, but none of them turned into anything permanent, and all but one left me with a broken heart.

Moody is right, it's not your fault. And, how you should look at it is, that it is their loss, not yours. There will be more love for you on the horizon, you just have to be patient. Every time one of my relationships ended, I would think, wow, I'm alone again. But the reality of the situation is that for the past almost 6 years, I have never had more than a few months in between each break-up before starting a new relationship. I'm 40 years old, on relationship number 4, and just ended it because he's driving me nuts. Am I worried about being lonely? Hell no. This last guy, and the guy before him, did not live close to me. I spend a lot of time commuting on my free weekends. I am truly looking forward to staying home and gettig to my ever-growing list of things I want to do for me and my house. I promised my daughter 3 years ago I would redo her room. This summer will be the one I keep my promise.

My point is this, break-ups happen. I know you were head over heels. It will take time to heal. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Redecorate a room, read a book, take a class or learn a hobby or craft. The busier you keep yourself, the less time you will have to think about your loss. It always worked for me.

I too felt the way you said it, "your only purpose was for your child". I was like that for 3 years. What's ironic is after 6 years of dating and getting nowhere, I welcome the time with my children. Take this time to do things with your daughter. This past weekend, my daughter made a list of everything she wanted us to do this weekend. I had a lot of housework to do, so I compromised. I did my work in the morning, and after lunch,I spent time with them. We looked at her list, and did one thing at a time, checking off as we completed them. ASk your daughter what she would like to do, write it down, and cross it off as you do it. You'd be amazed at how awesome your daughter thinks this is. My daughter is 8, and she loved every minute of completing her list.

It will get better in time. Post here when you get down, because someone will always have a kind word to say. Good luck to you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 8:14am
Hi and welcome to the board! There are a lot of great women here with great advice. I'm sorry you had to go thru all of this.....I hope you stick around




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:25am

Give yourself some time to get over this break-up. Do not rush into dating again. You'll make better decisions when you aren't still sad over losing this boyfriend.

As for your daughter, tell her you broke-up with that guy and do not dwell on it. She'll get over it easier than you think if you are a rock.