Not feeling good about this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Not feeling good about this...
24
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:30pm
Shane's best friend lives a couple of hours away. It's kind of for the best because he never has any money because of his lack of drive to do anything more than he does and we end up paying his way for everything he does when he's with us. Plus he's single and enjoys the single life and probably will never get married so he doesn't really understand Shane's thing with being married and raising a family. His friend does like me and approve of the marriage, but he's just a bachelor in every way.

Shane has been talking to him about moving out here to work for him at the dealership. He says it will help his friend learn to make some money and get some quality of life. I think it's great that he wants the best for his friend, but does he have to come here to do it? Shane thought he had him convinced to do it once before and he backed out. But Shane called this morning and said he thinks he has him talked into it now. Shane seems very excited about it. But I'mnot so much. I love him to death and he's a good guy, but the point is he will have to stay with us for a little while, which limits me to being fully dressed walking around the house at night instead of changing into my pj's early like I do sometimes, and we can't really be ourselves. I also feel like I'll spend a lot of time alone because Shane will be occupied with his friend talking to him and leaving me out of the loop.

Maybe this is selfish. But I'm not thrilled with the idea of his friend living with us even for a few days. It's just uncomfortable for me. When Shane called me to tell me about it, he could see I was less than excited and he wondered why. But he said he knew I'd be upset and he was sorry. We are not doing so well with money these last couple of months since traffic at the dealership has been down some and I don't think one more mouth to feed is a good idea even for a week. Plus the cost of going out that I'm sure Shane will add to the mix if his friend moves out here. I'm sure his friend will convince him to go out more than we can afford.

I know he's excited about his best friend coming out and i am happy for him. I know he likes hanging out with him. I'm just dreading the time alone I'll have if he comes. I'm used to having Shane here with me and including me when he does most things. It feels good to have someone that will do that. But if his friend comes, things will change. I know it.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:46pm

Mel, have you and Shane REALLY discussed this and have you agreed to a "Game plan" when this guy comes, or did Shane just say "hey, my buddy is moving here. And he's going to be staying with us till he gets on his feelt"???? This is a BIG thing in a marriage. Especially a new one. You don't just invite people to come and stay for extended periods of time without COMPLETE agreement.


As always, your financial concerns are valid, and something needs to be done about it.


I know how you feel for sure. I'd be the same way. J would never ask me to be ok with someone else moving in unless we had a very clear agreement on how long, how much weight guest would pull around the house, and how we would work out our own personal family time.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:47pm
bad bad bad, I would say No no no! You're pregnant and need your space and your comfort. You should have a say in this...it's your house, too. And staying a little while, for people like you're describing, usually turns into a much LONGER stay than you thought...ewww....

Has he been consulting you on this at all up till now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:03pm
I gotta agree with Bec and Candi that you need to be a part of this decision. This is YOUR house, Dylan's house, a new baby on the way . . . now is NOT the time to move in an unmotivated friend who doesn't know how to take care of himself and make him Shane's "pet project".

If you DO agree to allow him to move in, WRITE A CONTRACT, SET A DROP-DEAD move out date, with no exceptions.

Our friends - I talk about them here often - his best friend moved here from California due to being unable to find work in the dismal economy in Sept. of 03. He moved in with friends, for what was supposed to be 90 days, long enough to find a job, stash some savings, get a roomate, and get out. He moved out three weeks ago. It was NOT a good deal, at all, and it caused ALOT of strain on our friends' family life, as a whole.

AND - I have to say - if he DOES move in - unless your jammies are sexy - I would have absolutely NO qualms about wearing your jammies all of the time. I put my jammies on (pajama pants and a tank top) the moment I get home from work - and I don't care WHO comes over - I don't get dressed again! It's MY HOUSE!!!!!!

Hugs. You and Shane need to sit down and talk about this and reach a MUTUAL agreement. I'm going through something similar, as Tim's niece is coming to live with us. It was very much a JOINT decision - and had I said "no, I'm not comfortable with this, this is unacceptable", she would NOT be moving in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:15pm
Well he called and sprung it on me this morning that it MIGHT happen. But he also said another guy at the dealership could have the guy move in with him as a roomm ate too. So I'm not sure how it will work. Personally, the other guy has a room, he's also single, let Shane's friend move there. The guy is great and totally fun. I think Shane's friend would like it there.

But he said we'd talk when he got home tonight. I don't want to argue, but when Shane gets a feeling that he needs to do something, he's pretty determined to do it.

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:17pm
He's mentioned that he tried to get his friend to move out here, but nothing really came to fruition until today. But it still may not happen. I asked him if he'd be living with us because I didn't want that and he said maybe for a few days. But like you said, "people like that" don't just hang out a few days. But we will talk tonight and I'll make my views clear.

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:23pm
I'm a jammie girl too and I love to wear my tank and pj bottoms as soon as I can slip back into them. Sometimes if I have nowhere to go, I just change into a clean pair and wear them all day. Hey if it's a housecleaning day, why not? My other concern is when Shane and I want to have sex, his friend could hear it. Not that I'm embarassed or anything. I like sex with Shane and I'm gonna have it when we feel like it no matter what. But another issue is his friend snores HARD. I mean the neighbors can hear it! We can close some doors to the hallway, but it doesn't really filter it that well. He'd sleep on the couch, so there goes Dylan's and my mornings before school with cartoons and cuddling on the couch. It's a nightmare. I don't want him staying here. Period. A guy that Shane works with is single and has another bedroom. He's offered the other room to Shane's friend if he decides to come. Let him go there. He's can visit, of course and hang with us, but I'm not having the whole staying here thing. It's just not a good time.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:36pm
The thing I love most about Sundays, during foot ball season, is we don't leave the house and I never get dressed!!!!! LOL And I've been known to run to the store in my jammies. OH! Two Friday nights ago - I went to Dairy Queen with Tim and the boys in them! LOL

WhATEVER your reasons are - it's YOUR house, Dylan's house, just as much as it Shane's, and you have the right to say "NO!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:28pm
I totally agree! It's your house and if you're not feeling comfortable about the possibility NOW, you're going to be TWICE as uncomfortable if it happens.

It's great that he wants to help his friend out, but setting him up in your house only sounds like a hinderance. If you had a spare room for him, maybe- but he'd be taking over your LIVINGROOM??? I THINK NOT!!!!

Definetly encourage the spare room from the coworker as the option.


And maybe throw in a little about pregnancy and the hormonal outbursts... LOL couldn't hurt to make the FRIEND not want to stay with you two... :)

Alison

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:35pm
I'm the same way. If I don't feel like dressing, my jammies are really cute and I go to grab stuff and the store or to a fast food place in them because honestly, who cares? I guess I just want my same quality of life. The playful nature Shane and I have would have to come to a halt if his friend moved in for a little while. We are very physical and he'll walk up behind me and grab my breasts or pinch my behind, and I will walk past him and flash him sometimes. All this, of course, happens when Dylan is out of the room or asleep, but we're just very playful. Of course none of this can happen if his friend is here. And that is part of who we are as a couple. Touching and kissing and playful groping. I can't imagine changing a thing. But we'd have to. I will definitely talk to Shane tonight, but I am trying to not seem like the bad guy for saying I don't like the idea. And I know Shane will not understand. He's going to be looking out for his friend and thinking it is the right thing to do to let him come here. If he agrees to not let his friend stay here, I don't want him to resent me for that decision. SO I feel backed into a corner.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:01pm

Ha!

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