Not feeling good about this...

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Not feeling good about this...
24
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:30pm
Shane's best friend lives a couple of hours away. It's kind of for the best because he never has any money because of his lack of drive to do anything more than he does and we end up paying his way for everything he does when he's with us. Plus he's single and enjoys the single life and probably will never get married so he doesn't really understand Shane's thing with being married and raising a family. His friend does like me and approve of the marriage, but he's just a bachelor in every way.

Shane has been talking to him about moving out here to work for him at the dealership. He says it will help his friend learn to make some money and get some quality of life. I think it's great that he wants the best for his friend, but does he have to come here to do it? Shane thought he had him convinced to do it once before and he backed out. But Shane called this morning and said he thinks he has him talked into it now. Shane seems very excited about it. But I'mnot so much. I love him to death and he's a good guy, but the point is he will have to stay with us for a little while, which limits me to being fully dressed walking around the house at night instead of changing into my pj's early like I do sometimes, and we can't really be ourselves. I also feel like I'll spend a lot of time alone because Shane will be occupied with his friend talking to him and leaving me out of the loop.

Maybe this is selfish. But I'm not thrilled with the idea of his friend living with us even for a few days. It's just uncomfortable for me. When Shane called me to tell me about it, he could see I was less than excited and he wondered why. But he said he knew I'd be upset and he was sorry. We are not doing so well with money these last couple of months since traffic at the dealership has been down some and I don't think one more mouth to feed is a good idea even for a week. Plus the cost of going out that I'm sure Shane will add to the mix if his friend moves out here. I'm sure his friend will convince him to go out more than we can afford.

I know he's excited about his best friend coming out and i am happy for him. I know he likes hanging out with him. I'm just dreading the time alone I'll have if he comes. I'm used to having Shane here with me and including me when he does most things. It feels good to have someone that will do that. But if his friend comes, things will change. I know it.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:02pm

Mel


Just want to say I hope that you two can talk this out and both come to a decision together.

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:00pm
I know that when I say something that upsets Shane, sometimes before I even say it, I have a bad feeling he won't like it. But for some reason I say it anyway. Nothing insulting, just certain subjects. He always says, "if you knew it would upset me, why did you say it?" Well same goes for this. He knew already I'd be less than thrilled with the idea, so why even bring it up? Why even consider it? I'm supposed to be the first priority and if I'm not happy, then it's not going to be fun around here. I know that there are times we just have to do things our SO's don't want us to do, (like my driving so far to take Dylan to his father) but we don't always have a choice. But this IS a choice and I'm not in agreement with the arrangement and I will make it known...tonight.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:50pm
I think that Shane forgot something really important, like he's married to you and he's got to make decisions WITH you. That means running the big things by you beforehand, not after the fact. You are newlyweds, you are pregnant, you are touch and go financially (and yes even one week of a houseguest eating at your table will be too much of a burden).

It's really, really commendable of Shane to extend a helping hand to this friend of his...but this isn't the right time for you and you don't need the extra stress of having someone else in the home. It's your place to relax, walk around naked, etc.

I think you are within every right to tell Shane, you know what? This isn't going to work out for me at this time. I love your friend, but the timing is very bad for me right now. If you wanted to negotiate a time, pick a time limit and some consequences if this guy doesn't clear out by then. It's not being selfish. It's taking care of your family and yourself.
Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:19am

Why even bring it up?

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:07pm
I did talk to him. I brought it up calmly just asking him what the deal was and he went on to tell me about the bad luck his friend has had his whole life and how his friend has ALWAYS been there for Shane no matter what and he felt he needed to be there for him too. He told me about the amount of time he's tried to convince his friend to do something with his life and how he deserved better. His friend had an epiphany and called Shane yesterday and said he wanted a change.

I don't think Shane meant to just spring it on me and demand I work with it. And he never demanded anything. He said that if he had to choose between me and his friend, he's choose me 100% of the time and twice on Sundays. But he said he really hoped he didn't have to make that choice. I voiced my concerns and we did have it out pretty heated. My biggest issues were his friend being an extra adult here to eat, not being able to walk around freely naked or otherwise and just a feeling of being left out with his best friend here to monopolize his time. Shane shut them down. He says his friend would feed himself, he loves me and would never let his friend take over so he'd ignore me, and the walking around with no bra under a tank top would either continue if I felt alright (he says he would hate to not have that visual) or I could decide to cover up a little for a few days. He also says that the third bedroom, although empty, his friend would bring a mattress and sleep there. So our sofa wouldn't be taken.

As for when he'd be out. A week MAX. Shane's co-worker's roommate is moving out at the end of this month and he will need someone to move in to take his place. Shane's friend is all for it.

I told Shane that as soon as his friend called yesterday to tell him he wanted to come here, he should have told him he'd call him back and call me immediately to discuss what he was wanting to do and the information so I could grasp it and be able to feel like he included me in the decision instead of deciding to do it and then TELL me that his friend is coming. I never was out to try to change his mind. If it were that important to him, I was not going to stand in his way of helping out however we could. But I wanted the courtesy of just being asked. You know? And I didn't get that. He did apologize for springing it on me and hopefully, he will remember next time that I'm an equal partner here and want to just know what's going on.

Mel

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:10pm
A week is livable. Um, can you get that in writing??? LOL -wink-

I'm so glad you two talked it out. That's important. And you got the reassurance you wanted/needed, and an apology. That's good.

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:37pm

Good good. Glad you were able to talk. I am sure he didn't mean to "spring" it on you, but it's good that he knows you felt a little like that. Maybe his approach will be better the next time something comes up.


But I don't understand why your discomfort with him STAYING with you would translate to Shane having to choose between his best friend and his wife. Just because he couldn't support him by having him crash at his home doesn't mean that Shane can't support him in other ways.


Yeah, like Mindy said, a week is managable. To me that wouldn't even be cause for a major discussion. I THOUGHT you guys were talking like a month or more. Don't know where I got that idea. In rereading I don't see that it said that. Oops. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:40pm
I guess I can live with it. It's just a week and not everything I feared it would be. Am I happy about it, not really, but it's important to Shane and he said if I ever needed to let a friend come here for a while, he'd never hesitate to be supportive. I feel like I have to do this because I love my husband and want him to be happy. He did settle my worries and although it will be somewhat of an inconvenience, I'll be alright. I'd love to get it in writing, but hey, his friend is a good guy and isn't out to take advantage. I know him well enough to know this is only temporary and he will want to get out of here. But I did put up a fight. I stood my ground and never stopped expressing myself. And I don't necessarily feel what I did was giving in. I got the reassurance I needed and came to the conclusion that I could live with it but they HAD to get this over with so we could move on.

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:46pm
Actually, I had no idea how long he was thinking this would go on, so I was curious about it. Shane is pretty generous and would probably think about allowing it, but hopefully, he'd never actually do it.

What he meant by choosing me or his friend is that if I put my foot down and said, "NO, absolutely NOT!" he'd respect that and help his friend find another place to crash. SO he just means he'd give in to my request if I was determined to object. But the points he brought up last night made it impossible for me to say no even if I'm less than thrilled. But I'll live through it. His friend is fun. I'll just have an extra guy to pick on.

Mel

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:46pm
A week just isn't a big deal to me. We have visitors that stay that long all of the time. Shoot, in June we had Tim's daughter and her boyfriend, Tim's best friend and his wife, and Tim's OTHER best friend ALL staying with us for 10 days, 2 weeks before our move!

I had Alex on 9/19. On 9/20, Tim's best friends (PLURAL) came in from South Dakota and California and stayed with us for 6 days to attend a RUSH concert. Jojo was kicked out of his room and sleeping in our room, and friend #2 was on the floor in the living room. NOT my first choice - but it was fine! LOL