nothing to offer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
nothing to offer?
14
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 3:47am
Needing advice about whether I should attempt dating again or wait.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 5:41pm

Oh Natasha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 6:36pm

"On the other hand, is it even more important I start dating again as soon as possible while I'm still young, so my son doesn't have to deal with growing up without a father figure? "


I'll jump in with Soonee on this one- you don't NEED a FATHER to have a FATHER FIGURE in your son's life.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:15pm

Oh sweetie - welcome - and hugs. You have had more than your fair share of hardships!! I visited your blog and he is a cutie indeed.

My gut feeling after reading your note - is to say wait for dating but don't wait for getting a better social life and outlet just for right now.

It is not that you are not good enough to date - because in my mind you are a better, stronger and higher-character person than most for all you have done - you have clearly taken the high road and put your child first. The world needs a lot more moms like you, it really does.

Dating in today's world, from what I have seen and especially for single moms, is not easy. It is confusing at best. And I feel that for you or any woman to have a good solid chance at finding someone nice, you have to be strong mentally and feeling like you do have something to offer. This is because it takes a lot of strength to make the right decision and kick a bad one to the curb - or to be rejected in the process as he finds someone better. I would fear that right now you would get hurt or more frustrated - particularly with the mess of online dating.

I wonder, though, if you were able to get out a bit more - maybe to network with more parents of kids with CP, or through other interests you might have, if you did find someone naturally who would be a friend first and someone who would be understanding and sympathetic and who would also realize what a great person you are for all you have done?

My faith right now in the male species is a bit dim. There are good ones out there - but you have to be willing to spend a lot of time alone to wait for the right one - and to weed through bad ones as well.

I was just blabbing out loud to think that maybe if you were not looking for a guy - but just looking to have more friends and more things to do with adult time - that a nice man would come in time when you are ready/

Because I do think you should feel good about yourself - and feel confident so you don't just feel lucky to get any attention at all.

Have you thought about counseling to deal with the pain from what happened to you?

I am so glad you have such a beautiful boy - and that you have friends and family to help and support - and I hope you are able to start to make some headway with the financial and medical aspects of his care. I agree with Soonee and Alison that your father is great as a father figure!!

Keep us posted - we really care and our hearts go out to you. I hope I have helped you in some way. At the very least if you hang around and read our stories and offer your advice you will learn a lot.




Edited 6/30/2008 9:16 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:52pm

I too went to your site once my son finally went to sleep and was touched by your story and your son. It is amazing to me how much you have had to sacrifice and although all of us like to think we would do the same, we havent had to and that makes such a difference. You have plenty to offer anyone in devotion, patience, heart, and spirit. You can read it in your blogs and you can tell it from what you had had to go through just to be as positive a person as you are raising your little one with all of his challenges.
I agree with the others that dating is very tough on single moms. It pulls at your heart and your confidence and your head can split in two trying to figure dates out and second guessing things. The weeding out process can be draining and frustrating. You give up time to meet someone only to find out they dont look like their photo, are married, widowed within the last 6 weeks, havent paid child support in five years, you name it. Meanwhile the time you spent getting just to the location to meet Moron No.1 could have been better spent having some alone time or taking your kid to the playground and just enjoying the day. Those things I just listed are taken from posts here - and they arent rare unfortunately so you have to ask yourself if you are willing to go through the wasted time and effort of this in order to find the needle in the haystack, all of course never knowing how long that will take.
As West said, perhaps meeting someone through broadening of social circles and letting them into your lives slowly would be an option as they would get to know who you are and what you are made of - thus seeing past what you think of as possible obstacles around living with parents and going unemployed and getting to what the rest of us saw in your first post which is a mother who has given up everything she knew before getting pregnant via rape and is attempting to turn tragedy into triumph. I am touched by your story and for every second you wonder whether you have something worthwhile to offer in today's dating world, there is a great guy somewhere meeting vacant women with no sense of self or dignity wondering where you are hiding.
It is how you go about this I think that will make the difference. Take care of you by broadening your circles. This is a no risk situation then because the worst that can happen is you gain support and friendships which can only benefit you as you move ahead with your son. That beautiful witty woman in your blogs needs some time to shine outside of PT and doctor's appts so that you nourish your spirit and honor the woman you were before your DS. If you take time to do that as you can make it, the chances of meeting someone will increase. And for me anyhow, the biggest difference is made when you not only put yourself out there but take a moment to acknowledge that the right guy will see exactly what you have to offer because it really is tremendous. Half of the battle in my experience was to really let go of my fears and accept that I was ready for love and worth it!

Please hang around. We have another poster here with special needs kids you may have noticed....we would love to have you contribute and jump in with some of that funny girl wit of yours!

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:33pm

Welcome to our board and I hope you stick around! I just read your blog and watched your clips. I just have to comment on how much I admire the fact that you put your child first and despite having some HUGE curve balls thrown your way, you have a good attitude and great sense of humor! Many people in your situation would be on an endless pity party.

I can't add much to Soonee's post. She is right on the money with her advice. I do hope to see you post more!
Stephanie

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 11:53am

Hey Kyra,


I believe the way of attracting the right people (not only for romance but for friendships as well - both genders) is to be the best for ourselves.


I believe in being happy with my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 12:12pm

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 12:35pm

Welcome to the boards!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 1:16pm

"So, before you put your profile in Match.com, spend some time being yourself - no one's Mommy."

Soonee got the point across. It really is important to maintain your identity as a person, not make your identity as someone's mom. Obviously, you don't have much time for yourself with a child who has lots of therapy sessions and needs quite a bit of your one an one interaction. There are a few moms on this board in your situation with special needs children and I hope they chime in with ways they dealt with that situation.

You have not had it easy, but most of us have not had it easy. One can choose to wallow in self pity, or blame others for our unhappiness, look for a shining knight to save you; but, I think it is best to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep trying to solve one's own problems. Funny how decent guys start to just show up in our lives after we've got our lives to the point where a guy is completely unnecessary.

From your blog it is obvious you are intelligent, articulate, and have a sense of humor. All traits to be proud of, that make you who you are, and that any other person who comes into your life will respect you for. Use those traits to broaden your life, to pursue some activities just for you.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 12:32am

Everyone else is correct about going out, when you can, and joining groups. You can be an interesting and vibrant person, whether you stay at home or not. Pay attention to the outside world. Look for opportunities to go and do in your time frame.


As for the whole baggage issue, that's a tough pill for some men to swallow. If you are rejected because of it, just be happy that they are saving you a lot of time by removing themselves from the picture.


I would also suggest connecting with your local school system as early as possible. They will and are expected to assist your kid, whether he's old enough to be in school or not.


Finally, the person you meet will be dating you. Your son is a part of you. There will be people who are ok with that. When you make it apparent that you have managed to stay on your own two feet and do a good job, regardless of the assistance of family, you don't owe anyone a damn thing in terms of apologies for the reality of your situation. Get that attitude and confidence in yourself.


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