Now he is the Psycho!
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| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:16am |
My husband went off the deep end last night! He stopped by to pick up the money I owed him & my phone rang while he was there. I was working out on the cardio bike so he took it among himself to answer my phone. Of course it was a guy. Not a buddy, but just someone I met through mutual friends & we got to talking about our recent relationship situations & we really hit it off. The guy is in a bad situation as well, so I gave him my number thinking maybe we could give each other some moral support. A mans perspective of things doesn't hurt sometimes, you know?
Anyway, The ex went off. He was freaking out saying why are men callig you & he only wants one thing, and you said you weren't seeing anyone. On & On until finally I convenced him to leave. I told him I was tired & wasn't putting up with his crap. I said, "If you treated me like you should have when I was there, maybe I would still be there." He went home & started calling, it is now about 9:30pm. He called all night until finally at 11:45 I turned the ringer off. I bet he called 15 times. SO, finally I fall asleep & I hear this knock on my door at 12:20-12:30! It is HIM. Flipping out saying let me in we need to talk & I am not leaving till you let me in. I was like, HELL NO! I told him to go home. He wouldn't, just banging on the door. My neighbors were coming out & he was screaming at me. So, I called the Sherriff. He left before they got there, but then he came back again about 40 min. later. SO, I called again & again he left before they got there. I had to go stay at my friends house at 1:45pm last night. Thank GOd the kids were not home (he was at grandmas & she was at her dads).
He calls this morning all crying on the phone saying how he misses me & he didn't know what a beautiful, sexy wife he had & he can't stand the thought of me even talking to another man & he can't stand thinking maybe this guy is interested in me. He was all hysterical & I could barely understand him. I didn't talk to him, just let him leave a message on my cell.
Nice Huh? The guy friend who called is like I am coming over tonight in case he tries anything. I was like yeah! He said I am not afraid of him & you shouldn't be put through this crap with him. I said it is ok, I went through the same thing with Brianna's dad. I can handle it. Now, I will have to file a restraining order if I want to keep him away & then what do I tell the kids & how is that gong to be with them having to deal with. Unfortunately I need him to keep the little one when I work & now he says he isn't going to get him after work? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! God I hate men sometimes!

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Why was your ex in your place while you were working out? When you separate from someone it is important to separate your lives as much as possible, especially in the beginning. If you don't want to reconcile or lead someone on, you need to shut them out as much as possible.
If my ex were coming by to pick up or drop off something, I would meet him at the door, make the exchange, and say good-bye at the front door. He wouldn't ever be invited in my house or have the opportunity to pick up my phone.
Hugs to you. What a horrible situation you are in. The first thing you should do is talk to your lawyer. He/she will be able to tell you how a restraining order will effect visitation with your children. I think a restraining order is a good idea, but she what your lawyer says. As far as your ex not wanting to pick up your son, talk to your lawyer about that as well. Do you have a divorce agreement and visitation schedule in place? I agree with Firstamendment. See if you can get someone else to watch your son for the time being. This is a manipulation tactic on the part of your ex. If you don't "take him back", then he's not going to help you out with babysitting. Sounds pretty childish to me.
As far as your ex coming in your house, I know this has been debated on both sides here on the board. My ex does come in my house, but ususally at the front door, and I don't allow him to walk around. But there have been times in the past when he acts stupid and to avoid him not even being around my house, I do the dropping off and picking up of the kids. In your case, because of your ex's irrational behavior, I think he lost the privilege of being allowed in your house. I wouldn't let him in at all. I would even go so far as to change the locks. That way he can't come in. To save you some money, see if your guy friend can go to Home Depot with you, get some new locks, and change them. I think you did the right thing in calling the Sheriff. When I wanted to get rid of an abusive boyfriend, I had the locks changed, and I also called the police when he showed up at my door at 1:00 a.m. What I learned from my experience is that, at least in Illinois where I live, you can't just get a restraining order. You have to have a complaint on file with the police department first. Then your lawyer can draw up a restraining order. I called the police a few times, but I never followed up and filed a complaint. I was told, point blank, that a complaint would be necessary in order for a restraining order to be issued. So, if you are serious about the restraining order, go down to your Sheriff and file a complaint so there is a paper trail. Next thing, save ALL messages from your ex, on your home phone answering machine and cell phone answering machine. It will come in handy if you have to go to court. Second, start keeping a written log of everything: like when he calls, how many times he calls, what is said, when he picks up your son, when he refuses to pick up your son, etc. My BIL did this, and it was a lifesaver in his court case with my little sis. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.
I have to leave for home now. Good luck and keep us posted.
Donna
I totally agree with Donna. DOCUMENT everything. Get a journal and write down the date and time of every interaction with him, good or bad. Keeping track of all interaction lets you gain perspective on just how much he contacts you. And the more documentation you can bring to the table if you do need a restraining order or even change in your custody agreement is good.
Personally I have won two court cases, one about my child and one with a bank, because I documented EVERYTHING and the other party had not.
Also, continue as you are not getting personal with him. If he wants to call and talk about your child together, that's fine. If he starts telling you about his day, or asking about yours, then you promptly end the conversation. There is no further need for you to discuss your life, your daughter's life or anything that isn't about his son. My ex tries to suck me in and find out what is going on in my life, and I just ask, "is that it about Nicolas, ok talk to you later."
I hope that this new guy friend can help you through this time, it's a maddening one, I know. You said you've been there before with your daughter's dad, so you know you'll make it through this one.
I wish you the best, stay strong.
Alison
I agree with fivesense. I think you have to take a new direction with your ex.
I have one simple policy - maximum civility/politeness and NO information about me. It is all about our son. My son knows to NEVER give him information about me or what I am doing - and if he asks then my son tells him to ask me. The purpose is to keep things smooth and my son understands this.
I do not allow my ex in my house - he is too nosey and looks around and makes comments.
BUT I really try NOT to have a DRAMA with this - when he comes to my house we have everything very ready for my son to go - this shows his dad that he is ready and eager to see him and it is smooth for everyone. My son is waiting and playing outside so the transition goes smooth.
If for some reason my son is not ready then I say we need just a minute and he will be out in just a minute. I have a big porch out front and the weather is always good in FL so there is no reason for him to come inside.
It was hard in the beginning but my counselor had good advice. You have to set firm boundaries with other people and this includes your ex. They don't always like it in the beginning but they get over it and then things are smooth.
I don't think you should have been so casual to be on an exercise bike and allow him to answer the phone when he was at your house. But you were being nice and didn't know the outcome. I am not sure as to his history but hopefully you can handle it better now and just go foward.
You do have some great advice - I know I have enjoyed reading all of the posts.
Never underestimate an ex!!
And good luck - hugs to you for having such an unnerving experience!!
Well. this is the problem. I can not make it financially on my own right now. I moved out with no money & borrowed my deposit from our mutual bank account. I have since payed it back & now my name is off the account. I was just keeping above water when I missed 21/2 days a week ago because of the snow emergency, without pay. Now I am in deep again. I didn't even pay rent this month. My landlord was being cool about it, but now I owe him about $800.00 since I didn't pay this time. I just can not seem to get ahead. I can't take out a loan since I just started a new job. I work two jobs now, but I keep thinking once income taxes come I can get ahead, but what do I do till then. We have exactly two dollars to last us until Friday & only a half tank of gas. I can't afford to take off to go to any interviews & no one will hire you if you put seperated on your application. I feel so stuck, but I can't get evicted either. I have a huge family, but no one has room for me & two kids, besides I am trying to start an insurance career with Western/ Southern Life & can't afford to have this eviction on my record. I have talked to my landlord, but he has bills to pay to. Then this morning, we woke up cold & now my propane is out. It is $250.00 just for 100 gallons & since I am a new customer they won't let me charge it. I am desperate for anything right now. I thought about going to a local church for help with the propane, but everyone I have called only does this for members or members families. No one in my family can loan me any money especially since we just had christmas.
So my point is that the ex is the only one with a penny that can help me out until tax time. SO what do I do now? I can't take much more.
Why would you have to pay back money from the joint account? If you are divorcing, shouldn't you each take some of the joint money? Why should he get it all? What is his financial picture like? If he's making more money than you, then there should be some support being paid. Child support, but perhaps spousal support too. I make more than my ex and while we were separated I had to pay spousal support since it was "our" money while we were still married. After the divorce it is just child support in our case.
And why would you put "separated" on an application? It's illegal for them to even ask about marital status or whether you have children or not.
In our state you have to go to court to get any kind of support. I don't have that kind of time. I can't go back to him. I just can't. I have tried & tried to figure out what to do abot this money situation, but with no luck so far. I thought about goint to one of those places like cityloan, but the interest is like 21% & besides I don't think they would give me a loan anyway since I just started this job in October & I don't think I have any credit left since all this started. We payed off everything & now he is living there with plenty of money & hardly any bills. He says it was your choice to leave. I know that, but I thought I would have a better job by now. You would think he would want to help me since I can't even heat our home now, but he just says, not my problem.
Update on the tax thing. Brianna's dad was sent a letter this week from CS office telling him he had 10 days to pay half his back support, $500.00, or they would suspend his license on the 14th. So I guess we will see if he borrows that from his mom & pays me or not.
That is another thing, I was hoping her dad would be paying support again by now. My husband is paying some child support, the daycare, $85.00 a week.
You are in a pickle, to be sure. However, I see it this way. You are in a jam, and your exh knows it, and he is using that to his advantage. That why he said it was your choice to leave and it's not his problem. He's trying to use that to control you. He wants you down and out so you will go back to him. You said you can't go back to him -- then don't. I know you are trying everything you can think of. Unfortunately, the church thing didn't work out for you. Try a government office, like the county you live in. I know if you lived in my town, if you went to the township office, they would be able to help you or put you in touch with people who can. It will take some effort on your part, but start getting on the phone. And if you reach someone who can't help you, ask them if they know who can.
You said, "In our state you have to go to court to get any kind of support. I don't have that kind of time.". This is just my opinion, but if you don't want to go back to your exh, you have no choice. I know there are free legal services out there for women who can't afford it. Again, start making some calls. I look at it this way: Your exh did not want you to leave, so he's not going to pay any kind of support unless he is told by a court that he has to. He wants to make you suffer, and he will do just that unless you push the envelope. I don't think you have any choice but to take him to court. I know divorce proceedings take a long time, but in an emergency situation like you are in, emergency measures can be taken so that you are not out on the street or starving. I've worked in law firms since I was 16 years old, and I find it hard to believe that any court would throw you and your children out on the street with no where to live and no heat because your ex isn't paying child support. I'm not trying to sound harsh and I really do understand your predicament. I know what a controlling ex is all about. You have to try to make some calls and get some help from someone other than him. You are in a desperate situation -- use that to your advantage. When you call these places, let them know your emergent situation. Man, if you lived in Illinois, I'd take you guys in my house in a second. My basement's a mess, but at least it's warm down there.
I was never in as bad of a situation as you are in, but my heart does go out to you. I do understand an unreasonable, controlling ex, though. I would hate for you to play into his hand out of desperation. Try other things, and make him your last resort. Keep telling yourself that going back to him is not an option, and then try hard to find other options. I kicked out an abusive boyfriend with the help of my family. When things got bad though and started falling apart at my house, I wanted to call him and ask for his help. My family was ready to kick my butt. They helped where they could. And I had to resort to other things. In my heart, I knew if I let him back in, I would never get rid of him. Things were hard at first, and my house is still not the way I want it to be, but I have peace in my life, and a new man that would never call me names or raise a hand to me or belittle me -- ever. Please don't give up. Keep posting here when things are bad. I'm sure we can come up with some suggestions or at the very least, we can listen. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Donna
That was my first question too. It's kind of too late now though. Hopefully, this was a one time thing. I don't really know if you can get a restraining order if he didn't threaten you? I've never had to get one. (Not that I haven't needed one before) I hope that he simmers down and realizes a sane person doesn't act that way.
Take care of yourself and your kids!
Hugs
Tara
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