Oh My Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Sat, 11-10-2007 - 12:51pm |
I am having so many emotions right now I can't even pick and emoticon!
Monday I get a phone call at work from the principle at my daughter's school. Seems my daughter was telling a select few in her class that she had sex. The principle told my daughter that she was going to be calling me. I get home lo and behold it's true. 14 years old ladies! She has told me they used condoms and she that evening called the guy and told him she would not see him anymore.
I am so at a loss here! The only thing I have going for us right now is my 25 yr. old neice picked her up last night and is keeping her for the weekend. My DD says she can talk to her cousin so I took her up on the offer and yesterday couldn't get here fast enough. She called my niece and told her about what she had done the weekend before the principle called me.
After she left I just bawled for teh longest time. I had been dealing with this all week, trying to talk to her and make some sense out of the whole thing, trying to put myself in her shoes, trying to get her to put herself in my shoes. It's been a nightmare. I took her phone from her and have went in total lock-down mode as far as her entitlement in regards to freedom.
I have trusted this child too much. I was trying to have a better life for us by taking a part time job last year. I felt she was responsible enough for me to do this and she has proven otherwise. Anything the child wanted to do to give her some sense of self-esteem I helped her by running her to ballgames, cheerleading, ... you name it I've done it. The thing that really has got to me she said she had a craving and wanted to see what it was like. This was her reasoning. She was very casual about it.
I can take heart in the fact that she was responsible enough to use condoms (which by the way ladies, she got from my dresser drawer which is a drawer she NEVER went into before...I thought it was a good place to keep them). There were six in the box, I carry two in my purse and the other four are gone. I'm not even active right now!!! I definitely let her know this also.
This is some pretty wicked stuff to deal with. The thing is I was not working the day it happened. She was walking with some friends of hers that afternoon they went home and she met up with them an hour later. So it didn't matter whether I was home or not. I called and quit my part time job the day I found all of this out. Yesterday, all she could talk about was her loss of freedom and I quickly pointed out to her that I have lost mine also because I can't trust her and feel I have to "police" her 24/7. She made the comment that maybe she WOULD be better off living with her dad and I told her it could be arranged but she would have to tell him everything. She said she would start getting her stuff together and i told her to go ahead and then she stopped. I told her to really stop and think what she was saying and that if she wanted to she could take this weekend at her cousins to think about what she wanted to do.
So now I'm just waiting. I've been trying my best to handle all of this in a calm rational way. She says she can't talk to me about things because i blow everything out of proportion (meaning her punishments are too harsh). I mentioned couseling and she said she wouldn't talk to them. The only person she would talk to would be her cousin. I trust my neice with this. She has been through quite a bit and has become a very responsible adult now so I'm letting this happen and am praying she can be somewhat of a bridge between me and my daughter right now.
I've been cheatin with yet another board again..this time with the Sexually Active Teenager board.

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Oh wow- that is a huge blow to your nerves for sure.
What I would do if I was in your shoes is to show her she can talk to you and start developing a dialog with her. Maintain the things that keep her self esteem. She needs both right now. I don't believe that harsh punishment is in order. But I do believe that more supervision might be in order where she is not allowed to be unaccountable where she is going.
I think you should try to explain the risks of her behavior to some extent - disease, unplanned pregnancy, a reputation, etc. etc. It is very good that she used a condom. She did do that right.
But I also think you should explain the benefits of waiting with regards to intimacy. I think that once you are intimate it is very difficult to avoid that on the next go around and then you set yourself up for an endless cycle of hookups and don't wait for the right one and don't know how to spot him. A guy with romantic interests is not going to push for that and will care about her as a person.
What is done is done - I know it is not what you wanted to hear. All you can do now is to focus on the future to keep your relationship with her sound and flowing with information back and forth. Ask her how this makes her feel and what she plans to do from here so it doesn't happen again.
Good luck! Sorry you are having to deal with this. I wonder if that board will give you some insight - you will have to keep us posted on what you learn there. Would love to get updates.
One thing I have learned from the board already is I'm not alone and things could be alot worse.
I don't know if you read the post about the trip to the emergency room with her last weekend but they did give her a pregnancy test before taking xrays and scan. They did the xrays and the scan so the test came back negative but if her last time was the 27th would show up that soon. I know the hospital test are better than home pregnancy tests but would a week be long enough for it to show up correctly. Maybe rlch's medical knowledge could help put my mind at ease.
I'm taking her monday to put her on birth control (if that's possible) after that...take one day at a time.
As far as punishments, they have never been any harsher than what any other parent would dole out, quite to the contrary and was probably not harsh enough. She admitted to sneaking out one night when I was asleep and yeah, she's getting busted for that and she doesn't like it. I didn't mention that in my other post. She is the type that will keep on until she wears you down. She was grounded last month for three weeks from her cell phone, computer and contact with friends and she didn't wear me down. We went the full 3 weeks. She learned nothing from it.
Raising teens isn't easy. Especially when you are a single parent. I raised my son for 2 1/2 years on my own when his Dad decided his latest wife was more important. When he started 8th grade I started really having problems with him. Last year, when he was 15 I found out he was using drugs. I did take him to counseling, but unfortunately he refused to go once I caught him posting on myspace about using ecstasy. His Dad didn't back me and you can't physically make a 6 ft teen get in the car!
His Dad divorced his 2nd wife and started having a relationship with our son. At first I was glad. But, to make a long story short, he moved back with his Dad because his Dad pretty much lets him do whatever he wants. Don't believe it for one minute when your daughter tells you that you blow things out of proportion or nobody else's parents act like you do.
You are not alone in your struggle as a single parent of a teenager. I still think I would consider taking her to counseling, even if she claims she won't talk. Find someone that is experienced with teens and I am sure they can talk to you before you go in together. She can't be the first teen that said she won't co-operate.
What would happen if you did tell her Dad what happened? Would it makes things worse, or could you two be a united front for her benefit?
Stephanie
Edited 11/10/2007 10:07 pm ET by texas_mom1991
Hi Emma,
This is rough as a parent, especially as she's only 14. I hope the guy wasn't a lot older. My X is an OB/GYN and Reproductive Endocrinologist, and Rlch can verify if I'm right on pregnancy testing. What do you mean by the last time was the 27Th? If she last had sex the 27th, then yes, the pregnancy test at the hospital a week later would most likely come back positive if she was actually pregnant. . The blood test for pregnancy picks it up right away. If her last period started the 27th then she wouldn't have been ovulating til after you found out so again not likely she got pregnant.
I too would have reacted the same way you have. It is a serious thing that she was sneaking out and she has betrayed your trust. Trust is a big issue and now she has to earn it back.
It might be best for her to get one of the 3-month shots for pregnancy prevention, then you won't have to worry about her remembering to take a pill every day. ( I woke up at 4am today in a panic because I realized I'd forgotten to take mine!)
QueenBun who should have had her tubes tied a long time ago
Ok- deep breath.
"She says she can't talk to me about things because i blow everything out of proportion"
And she was right.
I have to respectfully disagree with you. You may not have a problem with your 14 year old daughter having sex, but I sure as hell would. They are nowhere near ready for what a physical relationship entails. Not to mention pregnancy and STD's.
We have a responsibility as a parent to make sure our kids understand the consequences of bad choices. We are their parents, NOT their friend. Raising a teen is one of the hardest things you will probably do with your child. Doing it as a single parent is even tougher. I totally agree that you have to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck with that sometimes when you are dealing with a teen. Easier said than done.
Her daughter is the one that will need to earn back that trust from HER. Until you have been in someone's shoes as a single parent of a teen, then you will never really understand how completely different that is than a younger child. I sure didn't and I rely on my friends that have BTDT with the teen years to give me guidance.
Stephanie
I agree, for the most part, that Allisons take on it is not what I would say. I think that Al is putting WAY too much blame on
I do agree that sneaking out is not a good thing. You are GOOD to be able to put up with her while losing all of those priveleges for three weeks - that was probably a lot harder on your nerves than hers.
I would hope that you will find a way to encourage her to improve her life - through extracurricular activities, improved grades in school, work and helping around the house. All of these things can help put the focus on her own life.
When I think back to when I was a teenager, my parents were really strict with curfews, helping around the house, grades (although this wasn't hard because they came easy to me). I feel they did not put enough of an emphasis on extracurricular activities or on speaking to me as a person. My mom always had an intense interest in me as a small child - but totally went blank on dealing with an adolescent. She held such a firm stance on "no sex til marriage" and did not tell me about dating or relationships. She did not respect a teen's emotional needs to be accepted and be social. She did not accept that my interests were different from hers or help me find myself and potential. She did not like that I was so different from her with my problem-solving skills, etc.
As a result, with my hard driven ways to do what I wanted and my cleverness and ambition to go out and just plain teen stupidity, I had sex when I was 14. It was not a good experience. I was dating someone's older brother and basked in the attention of him and his friends and did it to please him - it all happened so fast I did not really register what I was doing. It is not something I am proud of.
I really wish back then that I understood the difference between a guy who is just after me for the sex versus one who has a romantic interest and really grows to love me as a person. I really wish someone gave me the straight up info about how there is good safe making out versus heavy petting and situations that can take you to a place you don't want to go. I wish someone explained that the responsibility to stop lies with the woman and that you have to be firm with that right from the getgo. I wish someone explained what a healthy relationship was and how you find someone capable of a healthy relationship. I really wish someone explained the difference between passion and love.
Ironically I did NOT need someone to explain birth control because I had the good sense and ambition to get to a Planned Parenthood clinic and put myself on the pill at an early age. That was scary on my own - but I never took a chance with unplanned pregnancy. But I don't believe that parents should assume their daughters would do the same. I also believe that the issue of STDs now is downright scary and should also take a precedence for education and communications.
Maybe you can use this check list to explain these things to her.
I believe that parents really have little influence over the mate their child picks, when to have sex and what to do in a relationship.
But I do believe the parent can create an environment that keeps the child focused on the most important things in their lives - which is education and career - and that they can provide the information to make a better decision in the process of mate selection, sexual relations and relationships.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) about this. Sounds like you are getting a bunch of thoughts on this, and maybe you can find something in there that matches what you feel is right for you and your DD. I have no advice.
My parents didn't do any sex talks (other than Don't Do It unless you're married) and so I didn't. Of
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I wish I could add something to help. Just know I am feeling for you, your frustration and your worry. I would feel the same. How did the weekend go?
The one common thread of advice from everyone I agree with is to try and open up the communication lines eve further. As angry as you are, try to address in a way that will show he she can come to you with questions and advice. I can only imagine how hard that would be for you, to sit calmly and listen while internally you want to throttle her for lying, lock her up and throw away the key till she's 25. It's a small comfort but at the very least it is good to know she has the sense to use the condoms.
When I was 17 my parents found birth control in my dresser and they threw it away. I suppose in some strange way they thought that would deter me but instead it just made the situation more dangerous. I was going to
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