Oh my gosh, my Saturday wine...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Oh my gosh, my Saturday wine...
39
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 10:03am

did not bid well. I was so ill again after two glasses that I got sick and the worst headache for days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 12:43pm

My ex and I had a little "too comfortable" of a relationship.

Cat
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 12:54pm

Thanks for the insight. Did your BF discuss it with you or something you ended up noticing? Also how did you put a stop to it? Did you talk to your X about it getting to close or just begin making the changes gradually?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 1:12pm

Heehee, I don't hit, lol.

 
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 1:17pm
I totally agree with email! It does make it less personal and it's alllll in WRITING! If you can't remember what was said, then instead of calling, read the email. :) Thanks for sharing how you do things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 1:46pm

Hey Cat-


I have not read all the responses yet but thought I'd throw you my 2 cents.


I am in a very good partnership with my Ex. Many would say it looks like a friendship and it is in the way that we get along well. But feelings wise..there is nothing there. We see each other daily because of DD's schedule. And I talk to him probably every day but 95 percent of what we talk about is DD and her needs. Befor we divirced we made a pact that we would always get along for DD. I have no ill feelings towards him, but absolutely no feelings.


The outings thing is kind of over the line for me. I have a way of drawing the line IMO that includes phone calls or being together- anything that is said or done between the two of them should be things that the new girlfriend/boyfriend/love interest would be fine with knowing about. In other words- as long as there is no secrecy about feelings or hidden agenda I see no problem. But if my boyfriend was going on a lot of outing with the ex I would at some point discuss with him about perhaps including me, or something of that nature.


I think it's wise to listen to that inner voice early on- the one that asks you to wonder about an ex who still might be really attached. I think that many parents (like me and my ex) can see each other all the time without any feelings at all for the sake of the children.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 1:47pm
Yea I know a lot of single moms that just try and stick to email. It removes some of the emotional baggage and serves as documentation if something needs to be reviewed or has been just forgotten even though it was agreed upon. I dont do email with x but we honestly ONLY talk when I am having behavioral issues with DS or when I have something good about DS to share like a report card. I also let him know about conferences and Dads lunches even though he has access through the internet to these things and he has never shown up. I just dont want to be asked by my kid someday, "how come you made it difficult for Dad to be included on all of this?". I go out of my way to try and inform but I dont push - his decisions are his own. We certainly have a working relationship between us in that we dont undermine each other but we also arent actively in each others lives either. I think he knows I take almost all of the burden where our son is concerned and I dont complain about it. I let him make the choice of how much he wants in on it. For right now, I am glad to have my son with me as much as I do and be able to raise him the way I always wanted. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be harder to have his Dad more involved because maybe we would have more arguments on how things should be handled. Its hard to imagine it though because he has honestly always kept his distance and just done sporadic visitation when it suits him with no participation in education or just the practical raising of a child like discipline, health, bday parties/socializing with playdates etc. I spent earlier years trying to build him up to be a better father and it has been a huge relief to let that go and just let him be what he chooses in regards to our son...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 3:13pm
Call me jealous..I just dont think I could ever be comfortable with that kinda situation. IF they get along so well..I would always wonder.I dont think you are being intolerant to the situation.I would feel a little uncomfortable and insecure about that also...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 5:07pm

Cat, this is an interesting thread. Because I think there are about 75 degrees of normal. You have the extremely tolerant and friendly situation that Soonee explains, and then you have the extremely dysfunctional one that poor rlch and some others are going through as seen in our bully thread. And then you have all sorts in between with even some cases where one of the ex's has feelings for the other one. It seems to me that there is no real rhyme or reason to it. Each one is its own entity - kind of like relationships themselves.

As for me and my situation - my exh and I have one of civil respect. We get the job done quite well. We can attend functions for DS and sit together - but we only do that when it is required by one of DS's functions itself. We do not vacation together or anything like that.

One thought that came to mind - is that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I think that with your situation, where you are 24/7, it could get on your nerves if you take it personally because you could feel that the guy cannot appreciate all you go through and I know from previous posts that is important to you. But maybe you can separate the two?

I would rather have one of extreme respect like this one you speak about though, than one that is tumultuous and full of drama. Although only time will tell if one of them has feelings for the other one - that is something you have to ask about I guess.

A funny thing - is that the high school friend I spoke about that just died - and her bf/fiance was heart broken called me over the very same thing when they began dating. I asked her how the first date went. She said, "he has so much drama." So I asked her to define what she meant by drama, thinking he might have been married 10 times or something. Well, she said, he and his exw are very very close. They go to dinner sometimes. And when one of them breaks up with an SO then they comfort each other (I am quite sure she said but that didn't mean sex). And they go to the kids things and family things and are good friends.

Well, I told her - that is not bad - a guy that respects his exw is good I said. And I said he could have a lot more and worse drama than THAT!! So she gave it a chance. They were the cutest couple - and certainly not perfect people - but perfect for each other. When her phone was calling mine on Saturday morning I thought she was going to tell me they were engaged - but it was him using her phone to tell me she died.

And you know what? My prediction came true so many times over. He is the sweetest guy and loved her dearly. When he read me her eulogy that he wrote this morning on the phone I burst into tears. It was incredible. He mentioned all of her friends. And he thanked her family for making him feel so welcome. He said that he would rather have had her for the few months he did than never at all even though it means this horrible pain now that she is gone. He has helped her whole family. He made sure her best guy friend from school who has terminal lung cancer and is on his death bed in the hospital had 2 friends tell him the news in person. He stayed up all night - after calling 911 to take her body - to deal with the cops, the coroner and call the family. And then he went through her cell phone to call all of us. He was exhausted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 5:26pm
Forgot to mention - sorry to hear you have to have the flu in your house!!! Hang in there!!
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 5:29pm
Jesus Sandals and his X were the same way. She was an alcoholic in the marriage and that is what ruined it. The three of us were really close and we would go to dinner together. JS and her went out once the week too. However, I think there really is a fine line. Maybe I explained it all wrong earlier, but there is just a part where you just don't go anymore. Where it almost seems like a marriage and you are left feeling very out of place. It wasn't that way with JS, because I "felt" it was over. You know? My gut knew that each them saw nothing more then friendship period. BUT with "M' and his kids, the X walked in and out of the house as if it belonged to her. She was a CONSTANT nightmare. And she had that awful husband that used to be disgusting and lear at me. Remember? UGH! I could tell M wasn't over being dumped all over by her and she basically walked all over him. There were NO boundaries. She picked the kids up or didn't when she wanted to, she would bring them early or pick them up late. They had schedules, but she never cared. She did what she did and he allowed it all. I could feel he was still mourning it all. So yes, situations can all be different. I just wouldn't feel well where it's too close for comfort. It would make me wonder why they ever divorced or if one wasn't over the other.