Oh My Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Sat, 11-10-2007 - 12:51pm |
I am having so many emotions right now I can't even pick and emoticon!
Monday I get a phone call at work from the principle at my daughter's school. Seems my daughter was telling a select few in her class that she had sex. The principle told my daughter that she was going to be calling me. I get home lo and behold it's true. 14 years old ladies! She has told me they used condoms and she that evening called the guy and told him she would not see him anymore.
I am so at a loss here! The only thing I have going for us right now is my 25 yr. old neice picked her up last night and is keeping her for the weekend. My DD says she can talk to her cousin so I took her up on the offer and yesterday couldn't get here fast enough. She called my niece and told her about what she had done the weekend before the principle called me.
After she left I just bawled for teh longest time. I had been dealing with this all week, trying to talk to her and make some sense out of the whole thing, trying to put myself in her shoes, trying to get her to put herself in my shoes. It's been a nightmare. I took her phone from her and have went in total lock-down mode as far as her entitlement in regards to freedom.
I have trusted this child too much. I was trying to have a better life for us by taking a part time job last year. I felt she was responsible enough for me to do this and she has proven otherwise. Anything the child wanted to do to give her some sense of self-esteem I helped her by running her to ballgames, cheerleading, ... you name it I've done it. The thing that really has got to me she said she had a craving and wanted to see what it was like. This was her reasoning. She was very casual about it.
I can take heart in the fact that she was responsible enough to use condoms (which by the way ladies, she got from my dresser drawer which is a drawer she NEVER went into before...I thought it was a good place to keep them). There were six in the box, I carry two in my purse and the other four are gone. I'm not even active right now!!! I definitely let her know this also.
This is some pretty wicked stuff to deal with. The thing is I was not working the day it happened. She was walking with some friends of hers that afternoon they went home and she met up with them an hour later. So it didn't matter whether I was home or not. I called and quit my part time job the day I found all of this out. Yesterday, all she could talk about was her loss of freedom and I quickly pointed out to her that I have lost mine also because I can't trust her and feel I have to "police" her 24/7. She made the comment that maybe she WOULD be better off living with her dad and I told her it could be arranged but she would have to tell him everything. She said she would start getting her stuff together and i told her to go ahead and then she stopped. I told her to really stop and think what she was saying and that if she wanted to she could take this weekend at her cousins to think about what she wanted to do.
So now I'm just waiting. I've been trying my best to handle all of this in a calm rational way. She says she can't talk to me about things because i blow everything out of proportion (meaning her punishments are too harsh). I mentioned couseling and she said she wouldn't talk to them. The only person she would talk to would be her cousin. I trust my neice with this. She has been through quite a bit and has become a very responsible adult now so I'm letting this happen and am praying she can be somewhat of a bridge between me and my daughter right now.
I've been cheatin with yet another board again..this time with the Sexually Active Teenager board.

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First of all, I want to thank everyone for their insights and perpsectives. You are all truly a great bunch of women. I would like to address rlch's particular post as it sums up a lot of what everyone else has said. This has been a HUGE shock to my system and I have been trying to deal with it calmly and rationally.
The pg test at the emergency room was only a urine test, not a blood draw. As my DD failed to inform anyone that she had sex a week prior the blood draw was not done. She has an appointment set up this afternoon and it will all be laid out at that time. And yes, she is getting on some sort of bc IF she's not pg. I don't have much faith in the urine test the hospital did to show correct results with her having had sex a week prior. Right now I'm scared out of my mind and honestly using this board to get some of this out of my system. She is late (she last started on October 13) but I keep telling myself that with all the stress, being on medication for a UTI (HELLO!), using condoms, and that she is NOT regular could also be a factor and am holding on to this until this afternoon.
I have totally been in the same shoes as rlch but was fortunate that I had older sisters to go to. The only difference between our stories is the relationship. We ended up breaking up a year later, he went off to college, married a friend of mine, had two children, divorced because he was gay. I too had no business being intimate at that age no one does. But yeah it goes on. Just take a gander at the "Sexually Active Teenageer" board.
Ironically enough, there was Lifetime movie yesterday afternoon "Mom at Sixteen" and we watched it together. She ended up breaking down and crying and saying over and over how she was so stupid. I just held her at let her cry. I didn't say a word. And we talked some more so the communication is still there. I am not a prude but very choosey. If they don't respect my values, they're out of my life.
My DD is very rebellious when it comes to authority and seems to crave attention from everyone around her. I have been doing my best to foster her interest so that she can focus on what she wants her life to be like. She is very "in the moment" and does and says whatever she wants to do without thinking. I guess like most teenagers she is very selfish. Because of all the hormones raging I'm hoping birth control will help even her out some so her judgment to different situations may not be so clouded. I think this is a big role in a young girls life. As with all women, at 43 there are times when my hormones effect me.
"What would I do? Ok .... here goes:"
"1. I would apologize to her ONLY that you freaked out so badly. Be honest. Explain to her your fears AND your love for her. But do NOT apologize for being furious she snuck out."
This was done when she got home yesterday. Prior to all of this I have been very open about the risks STD's , etc. Again ironically enough, on the 22nd of October her class went to a abstinence seminar for the day. This was two days after it had already happened. Her first time was on the 20th.
"2. Try to let her know once you get used to the idea of her being sexually active" I'm having HUGE issues with this right now but am getting better as the days tick by. Whatever the results this afternoon, we are just going to have to deal with it. I will be there for her no matter what and I think she knows that. We have also had the discussion about a person's sexual life. I did give her my opinion that to me it's a very private thing. She did the right thing by contacting her cousin. She was scared. What she shouldn't have done was talk to her friends at school. Somehow the conversation did get back to the principle and she of course called me which has made my daughter furious at her for doing so. She is looking at this matter the wrong way. She wanted to wait and make sure she wasn't pg before telling me and the principle had no business calling me. She's not looking at the principle's responsibilities.
"3. Birth control. NOW!!! Depo shot (or the patch,if not the shot) would be the best ... forget the Pill. Teens always forget it. & provide her with condoms .... i wish school gave them out." As I said earlier this is being addressed today. As far as the Depo shot my DD has issues with her weight and has had this since 9 yrs old or so. From personal experience and other friends and relatives, the weight gain was horrible. Plus for me, I had terrible mood swings to the point where I thought I was going out of my mind. We have talked somewhat about the shot and the Pill and I did point out to her that we almost lost her Aunt years ago because of a blood clot while taking the pill.
" Also, you should think seriously about getting her the Gardisal vaccine for HPV (genital warts)." This is also being addressed today as well.
"4. The punishment." You are so right that this is two separate issues and it IS very difficult to keep them separated. When telling her what I expect of her yesterday I was trying to relay this but I think it will take a little more talking because I think SHE is having trouble also separating these two issues.
I hated to send her to school today and tried to see if I could get her in earlier today. I know she's scared. Unfortunately the appt. could not be earlier. If nothing else ladies, when talking with your daughters please use me as an example if you need to. I will certainly let you know the outcome and may even mention to her that I have posted about this so she will realize that I had to talk about this to someone also.
When things calm down I may even show her the post about the different languages of love that people have. I took a lot of stock in that post because it made me realize a lot of things about the 20 year relationship between me and her dad and reasons that it was probably doomed from the get go because I was not aware of what I needed at the age of 20 years old.
Hugs to all of you and thank you so much for allowing me have a shoulder.
Sharon
I have to agree with Allison.
April
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