Oh no. What to do?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Oh no. What to do?????
6
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:31pm

I've been single for 5 years and have two wonderful kids. Decided to start dating about a year ago. Met lots of guys some good some nuts. Some nice and sweet and some that were still kids. I think I know what I'm looking for and have done the online dating thing and don't mind it. I met a ton of guys online and still talk to a few of them. But I think I found a bf????? I guess this is the problem. I'm not sure if it is a bf. I did some bad things and moved him in kinda. He doesn't live here in my little town and I didn't meet him online I met him in person but he is my perfect counterpart.

Let me explain that one a bit. I don't like to clean or cook. Not that I can't but I choose not to. Truth be told it doesn't bother me to walk over a floor covered in clothes and wash dishes as I need them and socks never get matched they go in a basket and pull out a pair if you need one. Every once in a while I'll do it but I work alot so I'm never really here and as long as I can sit on my couch and watch tv I'm a happy girl. He accepts this about me and does the dishes. We both like history and watching the history channel. We are both have smart mouths on us and can take it and give it with out getting pissy. He makes me laugh and always has a joke.

Here is the problem. He as working here and then the job ended. He still spent alot of time up here and went to see his kids on the weekends. I don't have a jealous problem here just a where is this going problem. He adores his kids and will just drop and leave for them. I love that he loves his kids and his son is 14 and needs his dad. So it started out and I seen him all the time. So much sometimes I was annoyed. Now I don't know when I'll see him? Nailing him down to a yes or no is a problem. I understand that he has two kids in baseball and wants to see them play and as a mom would love it if my ex were there to help get two kids too two different ball parks.

My kids like him and they like the fact that he is here and then not. They enjoy that he is not here all the time but like him. Apparently the real reason is I yell less when he is here and he never yells.

But here is my problem he lives in another state and so does his kids. He has told me several times if it were not for his kids he would never go back and has nothing there. But the fact is he does have these kids and they are still getting used to mom and dad divorced being as that only happened two years ago. I adore him and at the same time I spent years sitting at home alone on the weekends after work while my kids are at their dad's house. Can I still date? We haven't had a talk about being exclusive and I haven't met his family some of his friends yes but they were working up here with him. I have played around and told him I was going to find a weekend bf since he was not here. He told me,"Do what you think you have to." So I asked if it was okay for me to do so and he said "NO".

Here are a few other questions??? I was not married so therefore never had to go through a divorce. Yeah for that I'm grateful. But he stills pays the house payment on the house the ex wife and kids live in. Says that is becasue the kids are 13 and 14 and he didn't want to disrupt their lives any more than he had to and so they can finish school where they started with thier friends. He pays the family cell phone bill which includes the ex wifes phone. Reason is he works out of town sometimes and kids need to get a hold of their mom. When he goes down there he stays with his mom. Who is in poor health. Are these sweet and endearing things or should I question them? Should I find someone new? Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:36pm

Oh dear. You do have a lot more than your laundry to sort here.

What to do now. Start thinking about what you want. Write it down.

I can tell you what my list looks like:
- nice guy with common interests who has time for me and who loves me for me and can be a mentor for my son

Sure, it is one easy sentence, but it has taken a lifetime of bad knocks to write. But you have to start with an "order" of what you want. You have to set that for your goal. Take some time to do it.

Then, figure out if this guy can fit the bill right now. Do not look at his potential. Here now, ready now.

Sit him down and explain that you are not getting what you need. You need someone to love you and spend time with you, not be a Monday through Friday boyfriend. Can he do every other weekend? Or at least give you one hot weekend a month? Does he have the money to contribute to your household?

Do not threaten him with finding a weekend boyfriend - you have to either fix this mutually or get rid of it and find what you really need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:18pm
Okay so my friends are right this is just not going to work. I guess I'll have to talk to him. I don't know when I won't see him again until next month he has work and his kids and I go on vacation with my kids the last week of June. We are never on the phone long enough to have a real conversation so I guess I'll just think about it till then. Or better yet not think about him till then. Harder concept than it sounds. If it meant to be it will be if not at least I know there are wonderful men out there they just don't live in my little town. I'm not sure that makes me feel any better. The first guy to spark my intrest and I get along with who likes me with all my flaws won't work because he lives in another state. I don't know why I bother. Maybe my friends are right I should just keep dating and not let it go any futher than that. Well when everyone tells you the same thing they are probally right and I'd probally see it if I wasn't in it. Thankyou so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:54pm

We are always here to listen.

I think this is one of those things where you need a lot of energy to fix it since he lives with you. And you know it is not going to work from what you write. If you really know this you will find a way to tell him soon. Letting it stew and brew until you are really fed up causes a lot of destruction, I think.

The sooner you get him out, the happier you can become on your own and the more chance you have to find someone who will add to your life and treat you well and spend time with you. Right now I think you are more like a maid and doormat and M-F girl.

Please don't think there is no one for you - there are a lot of guys right now that could be good for you. But you have to be happy and single to find them.

It sounds like you have good friends that want to help you.

I hope you stop by and participate in our posts. And keep us posted, okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:17pm

Paying for the house thing is something I think you'll simply have to deal with. It's his money, and how he chooses to spend it is his problem. However, that doesn't mean he shouldn't help you out if he's living there. There is no reason to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Dishes are great, but is he contributing to your household if he's become a member of it?

Also, I don't think I could handle the here today, gone tomorrow lifestyle you seem to have adopted with him, but if it's working for you, it's working. If that's what's bothering you, you need to have a discussion with him about it.

I don't think it's fair for you to find a "weekend boyfriend", since he has made it known that he doesn't want you to. However, that doesn't mean that you have to deal with this stuff. If you can't or don't want to, try talking to him. If it's serious enough to you and he doesn't take it seriously, then I'd consider ending the relationship.

Good luck, and please stick around, we always love new faces.

Moody, who doesn't wash dishes either if she can help it


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:16pm

Well I guess I haven't made it clear. When he works up here he stays up here and someother times he doesn't have work. He hasn't been staying up here much because of lack of work and his son got in some trouble at school so he went back to take care of him. When he was here he gave me $100 a week and bought all the food and cooked all the food and cleaned all the dishes. When I had my friends baby shower he cleaned the house and helped me prepare the food and went to the store at the last miunute when I forgot stuff. He balances me so well. I can do all the bills on my own so I don't need the money and don't see why he should pay me if he is not here. Does that make sense? I don't have much of his stuff here anymore. I told him to take it home if he was going to be there more he wouldn't need it here and he did. I'm just not sure what I want afterall. I guess I will just have to talk to him.

The worst part of all of this is I love that he cares about his kids that much. That is part of who he is and what I adore about him. My son went to the hospital and he came back up for me with that. I guess it is just hard and I don't like hard. Maybe it is one of those things that the harder it is the more it is worth doing. I'm just going to focus on my vacation with my kids in two weeks and how much fun we will have.

The weekend bf thing was just a joke, i think. I really don't have the time or energy for it and I usually work all weekend. Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:53pm

Well, that certainly sounds better than what I thought from the first post. For some reason I thought he was living with you all the time and going away on weekends and not helping you financially. It sounds like he is spread too thin.

Maybe if you talk to him he can try to get more work near you and work on getting more stable and more time to see you.

The funny thing with men, and probably all of us, is that they are not their best when work is not going well. I bet that his part time job situation, doubled with the situation with his kids, makes it very tough for him to be his best for a relationship.

Maybe the better question, is he capable of sorting that out and giving you what you deserve? It sounds hard for you - we all wish you well with your decision and getting it worked out. Put yourself first, okay? Because you are the only one who can do that!!