oh please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
oh please help!
6
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:38pm
Hi all,
I am new here(never thought I'd be here-but I guess that's everyone's story) I have been separated from my husband for 6 mts. and just waiting for the divorce to be final now-we have 6 mts. left until it will be. He is 1,000 miles away and does not ask about our 5 children or ask to speak to them very often(1 time in 4 months) The last 3 years of my 9 year marriage were awful(he was signing up for dating services online much of that time)
Anyway, I am embarrased to say that I am very attracted to a man I work with. He is going through a divorce also. He is my husband's same age(35-I am almost 28) But he isn't like my husband at all. He doesn't have any kids, but he told a co-worker that he wants to be a father.
He is very outgoing and smart. We share many of the same interests. I am very emotionally attracted to him as well as physically. But I feel like I shouldn't be attracted to anyone yet. I want to be near him-just to talk to him or even hear his voice. Just seeing him I smile. I try to avoid him because I don't want to make a fool out of myself, but I see him and there I am talking to him, asking how he is and just enjoying his company. I want to be with him and in the same breath I want to scare him off so I can think clearly and not daydream about him all the time. I could easily scare him off, but I don't have the courage. How crazy is that?
So, do I wait for him to come to me? Do I hint to him how I feel(I have it from reliable co-workers that he likes me but he worries that I am "too sweet" and he doesn't think I like him that way) Do I run him off? Look for another job?(Actually I am working on that already) How do I stop wanting the things I want? We have such a connection and I am so flustered around him not because he makes me nervous but because I feel like I shouldn't feel like I do. That conflict within myself is driving me over the edge. Is it ok to feel so strongly about someone so soon? Do I really feel this way or is it just that he made me feel special when my husband-who should've made me feel that way-never did?
Any thoughts are so greatly appreciated. I really need an objective opinion. Thanks.
Jean
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:12am

Hi and welcome to the board. The decision to wait while separated is a personal one. There are lots of factors to think about, such as whether you are over your ex (and the fact the marriage ended), whether your divorce is messy (you spend a lot of time and energy negotiating with your STBX and talking to your attorney), how much time you have to date (especially if your ex is not co-parenting with you), etc.

I dated while I was separated. I was over my marriage years before it ended, we were pretty much roomates for a long time. I felt comfortable dating and wanted to date, basically I knew I was ready. My dd is with her dad 1/2 the time so I had plenty of time to date. My divorce was amicable and all the major decisions had been made by the time we sold our house and started living separately so I didn't have the need to talk (vent) much about what was going on to anyone (something that's easy to do with someone you are spending a lot of time with if the divorce is messy, having lots of conversations that start with "Oh you will not *believe* what my STBX told his attorney today!" are really bad for a new relationship).

There is a theory out there that you shouldn't date (or date another person) until the divorce is final for one year. I think that is a little too arbitrary. I was fine dating. There are others who are not ready even a year after the divorce.

In your case, it sounds like the only reason you are not divorced yet is due to a waiting period. So IMHO you can certainly date if you feel you are ready. I also think that you don't loose anything by waiting and just flirting for now. If you just get to know him as a friend now, it could blossom into a relationship later (if you decide you do want to be divorced and have that behind you before you enter into a new relationship).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 5:52am

Hi there and welcome to our board,

Sorry to hear about your disappointing marriage and divorce. And being alone with 5 kids - that must be hard - you do have your hands full!!

I don't really see anything wrong with dating casually after a separation/divorce if you are ready. First had a great formula for figuring that one out.

A few things to think about for your situation - as I see it -

- Are you at a point in your career/life where you can risk your job or job happiness for an office affair - I mean - what if it doesn't work - then you are stuck working in the same place with an exbf - that can be brutal. It also might affect your career opportunities.

- How do you know HE is ready to date if he is going through a divorce? My experience in dating many men after my divorce is that most divorced, and especially newly divorced men, just want a roll in the hay and no relationship. While the lure of intimacy and adult companionship with no relationship may seem tempting after an empty marriage, it might leave you heartbroken when you confuse love with passion.

Just because you feel a connection doesn't nearly mean he feels the same thing. I would say you should slow down and allow him to come forward with his intentions for you and for what he wants as far as a relationship.

I have been divorced for 4 years. I have grown a lot as a person in this time. I have had time to reflect on why my marriage went south and on what it takes to find a good person and have a good relationship. I have dated a lot of men and now I know what I want and I know the ropes for finding someone who wants the same thing as me. Don't deny yourself the time to grieve the loss of your marriage, become your own person again and date casually.

I really hope you stay here with us and participate in all of our posts.

No matter what you decide, we are here to support you because we are all in the same boat. Good luck and keep us posted.




Edited 3/2/2005 5:55 am ET ET by west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 7:06am
Thank you so much for your responses.
As far as my career goes-my job is just a job I got after i moved back home. I haven't worked in 5 years and I needed something fast. Here is where it gets sticky--My boss is also my aunt. I also work with another aunt and my grandmother. My two aunts desparately want me to get together with this guy, my grandma doesn't care about it that much, just wants me to be happy. So, if we ended up dating and it didn't work out I would be stuck working with a guy and my relatives! I could leave but that would leave him there to deal with them. I wouldn't want that for him.
He is not ready for anything serious. He told another co-worker that he just wants to wait until his divorce is over to get into another relationship. That's fine with me. He is still adjusting. He loved his wife and had no idea she was fooling around until she told him and asked for a divorce. I don't want to be in anyone's shadow.
I also am not looking for anything sexual right now. I get pregnant so easily I cannot risk being intimate with anyone until I remarry. I am afraid of what I might do if I were alone with him. I feel so safe with him. I don't even know how that happened, just one day I felt like I could be myself around him. But I fight my feelings for him as hard as I can. I have a friend at work who says i should just flirt and enjoy any time with him, but I am so afraid of my feelings for him. I don't want to be heartbroken if he never turns to me. At the same time-I don't care as long as I can be near him for a while. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to ask him for what I want out of life. But the one person it would be fair to ask that of decided he didn't want to be a husband and father. So, I am here and confused. I guess I will just try to let go. I need to find another job anyway. Perhaps he will ask me out when he realizes we won't be working together anymore. I don't know. Thanks for letting me spill a little.
Jean
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 9:18am

I haven't read any of the other posts yet, but here's my advice.


Your marriage was bad, I can identify with that. I had a pretty awful marriage, too. There is a counseling rule of thumb that for every 4 years of a bad relationship you wait 1 year before you get involved again. This gives you time to heal and address your own issues, so you don't carry leftover badness from one relationship into the next.


For me, this worked out pretty much right. It's been 7 years now and I have dealt with a lot, I feel I'm ready to start fresh. I have also established a life that is most definitely mine. I do things I've dreamed of doing, I'm going to graduate school, teaching an ESL class, I'm even practicing Karate.


I also found that the men I was attracted to very soon after my divorce were often like my ex in some way that I didn't see at first. I was drawn to the same kind of person I had been with before.


My advice would be to find yourself, figure out what you want to be and do before you get involved with someone else. It's hard to do both. Give yourself some time. If you do decide to date, don't get serious. You won't find what really makes you feel good by being with someone else. That only comes from inside yourself.


Glad you're here, welcome!


Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:47am

Hi Jean,

I'll be the token male responder here.

Ummmm, girl, this guy is MAJOR interested in you. And I for one think you need to see what's there.

No guy that isn't serious is going to tell a coworker that a) he's interested in you, b) that he wants to be a father, when c) he knows your divorcing and have 5 kids.

Your job is obviously safe, since your get together is being endorsed by your aunts, who is also your boss....

I would do this....go to your boss, and make her promise if you pursue this and it doesn't work out, that *he* won't suffer any reprisals. (Or you for that matter.)

One other thing, I started dating almost as soon as I was separated. My marriage had been dead for about 2 years. It was great learning how to date, because I never really did in HS or college (where I met my Ex). I have dated maybe 8 women in that time, and with one exception, I am still friends with all of them.

Just be yourself and stay calm.

Brian

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:13pm

If I were you, I wouldn't pursue a relationship at this time. You mentioned how your STBX doesn't contact your kids. It sounds like you're still dealing with the disappointment of him. You need to get over those feelings in order to move on. Replacing your ex with another man won't solve your problems.

I dated while separated and I can say it was a mistake. People coming out of a marriage usually date someone who is "completely" different from their ex, only to find out that completely different isn't want you need. You go from one extreme to the other. In my case, I went from my ultra passionate, hot-tempered ex husband to a complete and total stick in the mud, dud of a man.

One year after the divorce was final was when I could think straight. The divorce process took me 2.5 yrs. Then, tack a year onto that. That's 3.5 yrs after my ex moved out. Yes, it took that long.

My dating choices have improved immensely since then.

Other huge red flags in your situation are as follows: you just entered the work force, you work with this guy, he is going through a divorce too, he doesn't have any kids. (i never had luck with the non-dads, they were jealous of my son)