Oh, what to do....
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:33pm |
hello all. i have always lurked here, but have never posted, but i need some advice. I apologize in advance if this is somewhat rambly b/c i have a ton of thoughts going through my head. i am a single mom of 2 wonderful kids, ages 1 and 4. my ex left when my son was only 4 months old and has been somewhat inconsistent with just about everything. our divorce was final last august and right around that time, i met this great guy on a single parent website. i never thought anything would really come of it and had i known that i would feel the way i do, i might have not gone through with it. that may sound crazy, but i have read about how you should wait awhile before starting a new relationship so that you time to heal from the old wounds.
little background....the guy is the father of 3 children and lives about 45 minutes away from me. we have done everything the way that i think it should be done. we are taking it slow, we have only brought our children together once in the whole time was have been dating, and we keep our interaction with each other kids to a minimum. this is b/c we both really want to be sure of how we feel about each other.
here is my problem. he is not yet divorced. he and his ex have been fighting over custody forever and the divorce cannot become finalized until the custody issues have been settled. he has exhausted all of his financial resources, yet she continues to fight b/c she has support from a new boyfriend and her parents. i am having a problem dealing with all of the stuff. i am very removed from it in the sense that i live so far away. i want to help him emotionally as much as i can, but it so hard b/c of our situations to do that.
i am so torn now b/c i have put myself in the seemingly no-win situation. i love this man and he is everything i ever wanted, but i don't know how i can deal with all of the uncertainty. i know that he loves me as well and is doing the best that he can, but so much of it is beyond his control.
so i ask, do i stop seeing someone b/c the timing is all wrong or do i hang in there b/c this could be something great?
i know this answer is ultimately up to me, but i thought i would get some opinions from women who may have experienced anything similar. Thanks all!!!

Welcome - glad to see that you came out of lurkerdom!! :-)
There is no easy answer for you - only time can tell. I think you should just enjoy what you have while you have it. Try not to get too attached to a specific outcome - just hope for and want the right outcome for you and your kids. Most importantly, don't settle for someone that doesn't give you everything you want and deserve. Be strong for you and the kids.
I think that perhaps now you should chill with him a bit and focus on you, your life, your interests and your kids (maybe not in that order LOL). Let him work out his dilemma. Time will do everything. You can't really control the outcome - if it is meant to be it will be and if it is not then you will meet someone better. There is nothing wrong with keeping your eyes open in the process!!
It is good that you both are taking it slow and protecting your kids and not getting them involved.
I know you must have invested a lot of time and emotion and energy in him and your relationship. It is hard to have feelings for someone and to have the circumstances prevent it from being all it can be, but timing is everything.
The only question I would have now is do you think you would both be ready for something serious this soon after your divorces? I think that you both need time to heal and to discover your own identity and figure out what you want with your lives. Are you okay with being step mom to 3 kids with a poisonous ex situation? After all, he is not really divorced and after all this custody hassle, do you think he would want to commit again? I think you are taking a risk with this after my experience with dating divorced men and talking to men who were separated (all this was through online dating).
I think you should dig deep and figure out what you want with your life and for your kids.
I am enjoying my single life right now. Sure, my life didn't exactly turn out the way I planned - I have been divorced for going on 4 years this summer. At first I dated right away because I met someone while I was separated. But I wasn't thinking clearly for myself and he had red flags. Then I went on a dating mission/flurry with online dating for 2 years because I was very determined to find someone who would treat me better than my ex. Then I got tired of that and started living my life for me. I totally redecorated my house, got very fit and grew my business.
I am in a good place. And I would not put up with what you describe here. I want someone into me and ready for me. And they damn sure have to treat me better than my ex. PLUS I have such a great single life that they are going to have to be pretty good to top it.
Just the other day my son gave me three choices for his birthday present: a dog, a trampoline or a swimming pool? And you know what? I found out I have enough equity in my house to afford a swimming pool. THEN I had the most exhilirating time of my life talking to salesmen to get bids - this is absolutely GREAT to order one without having to barter with a spouse.
I am enjoying what I have while I have it!! I hope you will do the same somehow and I hope I have helped you somehow. Stay here and post with us!!
Hello and good wishes to you!
Gonna be brief here- although, as usual, I completely agree with everything West said and she is always more articulate than I could be about it-
If it were me, I would bail- real fast. He may be a wonderful guy but the venomous situation with the ex would be more than I could deal with. Everyone has their list of things that are dealbreakers in some way. Too much drama here for me. My children and I have been through enough pain and we don't need to be sacrificial lambs to some unending custodial bonfire. As I said, he may be wonderful, but that isn't the point. How much are you willing to sacrifice?
Amy