OK advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
OK advice!!!
5
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 9:03pm
Hey all,
I know it has been a while since I post but I have to vent. You all no that I am engaged to get married. I have been divorced 5 years and have been dating my faince for 4 of those 5 years. In march he proposed and we have been working towards us being together every since. Well I am not able to afford where I live anymore so with in the next 30 to 35 days I am moving with my finace and my 15 year old daughter is coming with me. My 18 year daughter and granddaughter are getting a place of their own. Which is wonderful for her, then we have my 12 almost 13 year old daughter who tells my exhusband that she doesn't like my fiance. Well I am not sure how true that is because we were out at his place out 2 weeks ago and she had a blast with us. WE went to the figure 8 races and had lots of fun that weeekend. then my ex tells me that my 13 year doesnt like Steve my faince and she will never come to visit me because of him. I love my fiance and I can't see myself with out him but what do I do with the 13 year old. Why would she tell me one thing and tell him something different? Help!!!

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lisahein
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 9:52pm
Is it possible that she didn't want to hurt her dad's feelings by liking the new guy? My son is 7, and even at his young age, he was careful to not like his father's GF "too much" at first. I wasn't bothered at all by his relationship with her. As soon as he realized I was cool with her, and with his relationship with her, he saw he could tell me things. In fact, although we won't ever be classic friends, we get along fine, since the three of us realize it's my (our) son that's the priority, not our friendship, or lack thereof.
Maybe have a heart to heart with her, and have her dad do the same, either with or without you there. In fact, I don't know how well you and your ex get along, but both of you there might be a good idea, since she won't be able to tell you each something different. I think at that age, kids, and girls in particular, are good at pushing buttons, working the angles, and getting whatever they think they can out of a given situation. My parents were (and still are) married, and I can remember trying (and sometimes succeeding) to play them off each other.
In a divorce situation, a teenaged girl will be able to get away with that more, to an extent, if you let her. I'm not sure if that's what she's doing, but it may be. She may just be lashing out, because her world's about to change some, too, and that can be scary when she's got all of those new hormones- how far is she going to move, what else is going to change, how well does she know your fiance, will she have to change schools, miss her friends, what about her dad- will she see him the same, less, more... these things may all be weighing on her mind.
I think right now, you need to just find out WHY she said two different things, and if you and your ex get along well enough, both of you talking to her should acocmplish this. Eventually, she'll settle down, but if there's a major issue with the fiance, then obviously, your daughter has to come first. If it's just pre-move jitters, a serious heart to heart, and you letting her know you'll always be there, and love her, and that won't change no matter who you live with should calm her nerves some.
Good luck- and keep us posted!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lisahein
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 11:08pm

My little sister was around that age when our step-father moved in (they weren't married yet).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lisahein
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:26am

Well, it is easy to see that you have a few troubles that frustrate you. First of all, a 13 year old girl is going through a lot of changes in her life and she is probably at the beginning of one of the most needy stages - kind of like 2 but with different abilities and needs - but the same intensity.

I think that if you approach her and her issues in that manner, rather than to take it personally against you and your fiance and your new marriage, then you will be better set up for success.

I think you need to spend one on one time with her and find out what is important to her right now. Find out what is making her afraid of this new union and how it affects her life. Could be something really simple that you just need to reassure her on.

I don't know how your relationship is with your exh but hopefully he will help you. If not then you will just have to do the best you can on your own.

A healthy marriage is a good thing - and it is great that you have met someone so special to you - I remember all of your posts since I have been here and I know you two have made sacrifices for a long time in the sake of your kids so you can be together when the time is right. I do believe you will model a good relationship and a happy mom to her and that is most important.

I think she will come around and get used to everything in her own time. Just give her time and space. If she got along with your fiance great last week she will do that again. I don't have worries from reading this - I just think everyone has to adjust to the new situation and the new home.

Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: lisahein
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:23pm

13 is a difficult age. I've read that it's best to combine houses when the kid is still under the age of 10 or over the age of 16.

Kids will say one thing to the custodial parent and the exact opposite to the non-custodial parent. I saw a therapist to work out some visitation issues and she assured me that is normal behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lisahein
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:20pm

Ladies,

Thanks for all you postings and I did start a conversation with my 13 year today and she told me what is bothering her. Part is that she is not wanting me to move and my fiance will sometimes say something to my 13 year old if she is not listening to me. If I have to say something to her twice or more the my fiance will back me up but he lets me take the lead with discipline for my kids. Yes you are all right she is getting the hormones going and i was not the strongest parent after I got divorced and my fiance has helped me to have structure and discipline in my daughters lives and the older 2 love him and I think with time she will at least learn to like him.

lisa j romesburg