Ok ladies, I need your help...
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| Fri, 08-29-2008 - 10:08pm |
Ok, we all know that in the beginning Medic came on VERY strong. Constantly calling me baby, texting, calling me his girl so on and so on. The second I decided it was him that I wanted he seemed to pull back. Well, we had a small talk in yahoo chat today.. and I have no idea what to think of this.
We were talking about something he did that hurt my feelings, and then it followed with:
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:51:16 PM): I guess I'm just very unsure of you and I... and you joking about that didn't help.
fireman (8/29/2008 8:52:02 PM): I know
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:52:30 PM): I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing here, ya know?
fireman (8/29/2008 8:52:46 PM): Ne eihter
fireman (8/29/2008 8:52:49 PM): either
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:53:31 PM): Well, what do you want? lol
fireman (8/29/2008 8:54:07 PM): Not sure I can ask for anything
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:54:23 PM): The problem is that you already did
fireman (8/29/2008 8:55:10 PM): What did I ask for
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:55:23 PM): You came on very strong in the beginning
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:55:31 PM): Not at all what i was expecting or wanting
fireman (8/29/2008 8:55:37 PM): Did I?
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:55:40 PM): Yes you did
fireman (8/29/2008 8:55:58 PM): Well...Sorry
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:56:03 PM): And then it feels like the minute I decided that I just wanted to be with you and only you.. it all changed.
fireman (8/29/2008 8:56:46 PM): No not true
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:56:46 PM): You say things like that is what you want, but you don't follow thru. You're like a roller coaster ride.
fireman (8/29/2008 8:57:19 PM): Not true. I am trying to give you as much as I can
fireman (8/29/2008 8:57:42 PM): We"ll talk about this later. I need to go for now
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:57:52 PM): I need to go too
fireman (8/29/2008 8:57:59 PM): Have fun
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:58:03 PM): I will
Michelle (8/29/2008 8:58:04 PM): you too
fireman (8/29/2008 8:58:09 PM): bye

Men are like rubber bands.......
If you've never read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I recommend it. If you get nothing else from it, the chapter about Men are like Rubber Bands is pretty insightful. At least it was for me :)
In my opinion, he's just being a guy right now. Give him a chance to sproing back, don't chase him, and he will come back.
I don't know... maybe you need to start dating others again? He pushed and pushed for you to be with him and then dropped off the planet when you said Ok... but you two haven't made an official relationship/ exclusive, right?
So... my advice would be to start dating again and see what else is out there. Maybe it lights a fire under his butt or maybe he just ghosts on you... but you won't notice if he does cause you'll be getting out with other guys :P
What about HC, guessing we've seen the last of him?
Ok, the whole exclusive thing...
I warned you all he's a bit southern and old fashion so don't laugh when I say this...
One day he said "You know you're mine right?" That was when I was still apprehensive. I also fessed up to dating other people in the beginning and he was really bent out of shape about that, he has called me "his girl" several times along with many other things to make me believe that he wanted much more than exclusive.
So the idea of me going off and dating other people is all fine and dandy, but something needs to be figured out with him.. because according to HIM we are, and I jumped right on board with it all.
The whole roller coaster ride thing... I mean I can do up, or I can do down... but I can't have it changing every week. The whole rubber band thing.. I hate it. Either we're casual or we're not.
Ok, after a lot of thinking tonight and reading up on the whole rubber band man thing I wrote this email, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Now if I can just stick behind my words here! LOL
The title of the email is "I'm done...."
Lol.. nope, not THAT kind of done! This is not a bad email, this is a good one.
I was doing some thinking tonight, and I am trying to put a more positive attitude on the whole thing. Me wanting certain things from you is selfish behavior. More than anything I want to be your friend. I want to be the one you can run off and have fun with. I want to be the anti-stress in what I know is a stressful time for you. So no more, I'm done. I don't want me to be something else that you have to stress or worry about. That wouldn't make me a very good friend now would it?
I'm not going to sit here and point the finger and list out things that you've said or done either to cause this roller coaster ride as I called it.. no point in that.
If you want to go down a more casual route we can do that. If you want to be exclusive I'm fine with that also. I've had eyes for nobody but you for a while now.. and I kind of like it that way regardless of our horrid schedules lol.
You make me smile, I enjoy being with you.. I'd rather not lose that. So, on that note... whatcha doing Wednesday? If you're brave enough... I'd like to have you over for dinner and a movie lol.
-M
I think your email to him was a noble guesture. hopefully he is receptive and you can stick to your words. cuz if you don't, and i say this with love, you may end up looking like a liar.
also, i say with caution, he still hasn't made it clear of what he wants or expects from you... regardless of what he said a few weeks ago... he's been acting different recently... BUT if you two had the exclusive talk, then yea, you are kinda stuck... in that you can't date others just cuz he's acting weird.
Stick behind your words and see how things go. Let us know how he reacts to your email. I think you've made it very easy now for him to tell
That's all fine & dandy, but what will he have to do on his part? On his share? If you're going to be so amicable and understanding and wonderful, does he have to do the same? I mean, the rubber band theory is all fine & dandy, (and I am a believer in it) but if the pulling away is more often than not, is there a point where you'll have had enough?
It will be interesting to see what Medic's response and reaction will be to this. Perhaps because of his deep southern roots, he's shaken about you dating others and wants to know if you're serious about him before letting himself get too deep with you.
I'm glad you have a good sense of what's happening, and sending the email made you feel good. I think that's ultimately the point here. That you're doing the things you're OK with and have decided to be good ideas. Keep us posted!!
Michele,
What I like about your message is that 1) you saying you want to look at things positively and validating that assertion by stating what you do want more what you don't want as well as not wanting to blame (point fingers and list), 2) being explicit about wanting to be friends first, and 3) offering him options on what kind of relationship he can choose from (casual, exclusive, etc.).
My opinion about you labeling yourself as having selfish behavior is that we all have certain things we want from a mate, a companion or a friend. I have friends that disappear on me, that don't return phone calls and I put them in a category as “I don't count on these people but they are fine to get together once in a while.” I have other friends that keep in touch and someone I can call on if I need help. This is another category.
My point is that I do want to accept people for who they are AND I also have standards for who I consider close friends. I don't want to waste my time and energy for those who are not willing to put in the same conscientious effort and consideration. It has to be mutual.
As someone says, if the relationship (any relationship) is work rather than easy then maybe you should examine the validity of the relationship. Also I like what someone here has said where if I'm the option and s/he is the priority then the relationship is a mismatch. For me the desire and the behavior has to be mutual because I don't want to be the one doing all the “work.”
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Oh Michelle,
I really hate to say this but that is exactly how RG and I started out. He came on strong and flirtatious,
Michelle,
Jeez, here I am adding more after I read the whole thread. Sorry. A few things concern me. One is that you are not stuck even if you had the exclusive talk. Even if youre married youre never stuck. The other and its a huge concern is that he calls you "his". Posessiveness is a red flag for an abusive man. I know it sounds a little extreme but I have been there too. I go to the support groups, educated myself and know the signs. Its not someplace you want to be.
You are not his or anyone elses. You are 'yours'. Even in marriage you dont belong to anyone except yourself.
I agree with mommy2caleb, HE has to hold up HIS end of the deal too. He has to work to keep the relationship going too.
Funny you describe it as an emotional rollercoaster. That is exactly how I described RG and me. He's a doll, sweet, handsome and fun but it hasnt been a fun ride and I am getting off the ride now.
I never had to deal with men pulling back before RG. I've had three serious relationships and none of those men pulled back. They each knew what they wanted and went for it without any head games along the way.
Laurie