OK - Need advice fast--women AND men
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| Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:23am |
OK - so this is a "real life" event - and I know what I have to do, but I've never done it.
This is very long, and I applaud anyone who actually READS it and can help me - and I'm looking for help from both men AND women.
When I was a teenager, we did not "date." We "went out." Someone saw you in the hallway, stopped by and said "hey, you wanna go out?" From that point on, you were a couple. You did everything together, and you didn't date anyone else. That could go on for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, and when it ended, you started "going out" with someone else.
I was 18 when I met my husband, and we started "going out" the night we met. We "went out" for 6 years and then got married. When we split, I dated a little, but usually from people I met on the internet (where there's a procedure - you email, you call, you set up a meeting - a "date" - and then you decide where you're going once you decide if there's going to be a "second" date). I had one 2-year relationship, then another 2-year relationship, then about 8 "first" dates that didn't go to second.
The last relationship I had lasted 3 months - real life, yes - but I had an intermediary - so when I called him, he already knew I was going to - and had already expressed interest in me.
After all that, I go to identifying the problem I have now:
About 2 years ago, I developed a crush on a guy I met through the theater. He was married - I admired him from afar. About six months ago, one of my friends mentioned he'd gotten divorced (we travelled in the same social circles and interacted sporadically, but nothing significant), and I confessed I had a crush on him. "I don't see you two together," she said - and I let it go.
A few weeks ago, I saw him in a show. When he came out after the show, he invited everyone there (including me and my friend) to his house for a party. My friend didn't want to go, so we didn't - comments were made by everyone there that I had been expected and hadn't shown up. Again, I mentioned that to my friend, and her response was "he's not ready to date, he's not for you, let it go." So I did.
This weekend, that friend had a barbecue, and both this man and I were among the guests. I will admit that there was much alcohol consumed, but there were signs throughout the day that he was interested. Nothing blatant or overt, but he was rather attentive. We spent much of the day and evening in conversation, and the friend I had come with commented that he seemed very "gentle" around me. When we left for the evening, we hugged goodbye - and the hug lasted about 20 seconds...not long sounding, but rather long for a generic "bye, see you later" hug.
I emailed him a couple of pictures taken from the party, and he emailed me back "ok, I recognize you and "S", but who's the drunk guy?" (meaning himself). He commented to two other people that he had a good time at the party, and that was that.
My one friend says to leave it alone - he's not ready. Two of my other friends say he's ready to DATE, but not ready for a relationship (which is fine with me, since the last relationship drained me of the energy to maintain one of those for a while). But he hasn't asked for my number or asked me out or anything. And I've decided life is too short to wait to do that.
So I want to ask him out. Just to hang out. And I have never done that before. And I don't know how.
I don't want to scare this guy off, because I really like him. I'm afraid my unrequired two year crush is going to make me come on too strong. So I'm looking for advice - what should I do? I was just going to email him and say "blah blah I'm free if you'd like to hang out at the diner blah blah" sort of thing, but I don't know.
help!!!!!

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Why does your friend say she doesn't see you both together?
Well, I would definitely say hop onto the challenge, but don't outright ask him for dinner. IS their anything that interests him that you could peak? Like does he like coffee and a bookstore or something that you can coherce him into joining you? The initial challenge is to spark something, not necessarily get a date this weekend, but maybe for next weekend? Just think of the stuff you may or may not have in common and then do some RESEARCH! I always encourage a little research in the dating process. If he likes something specific: football, baseball, concerts. Then research what is coming to the area, what games are playing now and maybe brush up on a few things that could keep a discussion going. However, if you DON'T like sports, don't do it. You have to find something that you ALSO enjoy or that you ALSO like to do or WOULD like to learn. Very important key step! Never do something you don't like, because it's going to be painful later and everyone will be disappointed.
We really don't know why my friend doesn't "see us together." I think part of the problem is that she's been trying to fix me up for over a year with her neighbor (who, by the way, has shown NO interest in me). I don't get it, and I'm beyond questioning it.
I don't want to push this guy - and yes, there are things we have in common that interest him. One of the ideas I had was that he lives fairly close to the theater where my son is rehearsing his current show. I drop my son off at 7:30 and then pick him up at 11. There are a couple of diners/restaurants nearby, and I was thinking of just dropping him email and asking if he'd like to meet for coffee or a drink during those few hours i have free - which would indicate to him that there is an END time.
According to two people that know him well, he's not ready to "go out" - but he's ready to "hang out." And they think if I'm patient, he can eventually be ready to "go out."
I've just never asked a guy out - and the guys my age don't generally like that - so I'm looking for pointers.
Oh, and the challenge? The flirting's already begun :)
My take is that any advice people give is from THEIR own experience, filters, prejudices, desires, likes/dislikes - NOT yours so why bother listening to others on whether or not he is ready to date?
And if he is ready to date then he will date. So if he is wanting to date you then he will ask you. If he is not then he won't. In the meantime, certainly you can show that you are interested and open to dating him (e.g. flirting) but I would not go beyond that for if he is truly not ready to date then you asking him out will be self defeating.
Mark
Emma,
I appreciate your advice and would normally agree with you - at this point, though, it's obvious that my "friend" has some sort of trouble with me and this guy seeing each other that really doesn't have anything to do with either of us, it would appear.
One guess - that she's so close to both of us that she's afraid if it didn't work out, it would create awkwardness (something I'm trying to avoid by finding the best way to ask him).
Another theory - she wants him for herself (something I don't believe considering she has a wonderful man of her own).
What I really think is that she has made an assumption as to where both of us are in our lives and what each of us wants and has decided that we're in two different places - and that I want more - or he wants less - or something.
Having spoken to two other friends of both him and me who know him well, I am confident we can at the very least make our friendship stronger - and who doesn't need more friends?
Ok, so you started with the first part of the challenge, flirting, but I want you to find something that will coax him without seeming as a date. Very fine line my friend. What are his interests? And maybe we can come up with a good idea to get him to meet up and talk or do something with you. On the INNOCENT though.
Way to go on the flirting and don't forget to chant great things about yourself all day long.
He IS ready to date - that's the point.
He has stated to other people that he hates sitting home - and is ready to date - what he is NOT ready for is a "relationship" (which I am also not ready for, so that's not a problem).
I'm sorry, I do NOT go by the "if he's interested, he'll ask" route - he may not know if I'M ready to date. He may have asked our mutual friend who, in wanting to keep us apart, has said I'm not interested.
My problem is not in whether or not to ask him out - I've already decided I'm going to do that - my problem is in doing so that will appear less "date like" and more like "let's hang out together" - which, if it's going to BECOME a date, will do so naturally.
Does that make sense?
Thanks everyone! and I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. One question - is that something it's ok to do via email?
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