OK - Need advice fast--women AND men

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
OK - Need advice fast--women AND men
20
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:23am

OK - so this is a "real life" event - and I know what I have to do, but I've never done it.

This is very long, and I applaud anyone who actually READS it and can help me - and I'm looking for help from both men AND women.

When I was a teenager, we did not "date." We "went out." Someone saw you in the hallway, stopped by and said "hey, you wanna go out?" From that point on, you were a couple. You did everything together, and you didn't date anyone else. That could go on for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, and when it ended, you started "going out" with someone else.

I was 18 when I met my husband, and we started "going out" the night we met. We "went out" for 6 years and then got married. When we split, I dated a little, but usually from people I met on the internet (where there's a procedure - you email, you call, you set up a meeting - a "date" - and then you decide where you're going once you decide if there's going to be a "second" date). I had one 2-year relationship, then another 2-year relationship, then about 8 "first" dates that didn't go to second.

The last relationship I had lasted 3 months - real life, yes - but I had an intermediary - so when I called him, he already knew I was going to - and had already expressed interest in me.

After all that, I go to identifying the problem I have now:

About 2 years ago, I developed a crush on a guy I met through the theater. He was married - I admired him from afar. About six months ago, one of my friends mentioned he'd gotten divorced (we travelled in the same social circles and interacted sporadically, but nothing significant), and I confessed I had a crush on him. "I don't see you two together," she said - and I let it go.

A few weeks ago, I saw him in a show. When he came out after the show, he invited everyone there (including me and my friend) to his house for a party. My friend didn't want to go, so we didn't - comments were made by everyone there that I had been expected and hadn't shown up. Again, I mentioned that to my friend, and her response was "he's not ready to date, he's not for you, let it go." So I did.

This weekend, that friend had a barbecue, and both this man and I were among the guests. I will admit that there was much alcohol consumed, but there were signs throughout the day that he was interested. Nothing blatant or overt, but he was rather attentive. We spent much of the day and evening in conversation, and the friend I had come with commented that he seemed very "gentle" around me. When we left for the evening, we hugged goodbye - and the hug lasted about 20 seconds...not long sounding, but rather long for a generic "bye, see you later" hug.

I emailed him a couple of pictures taken from the party, and he emailed me back "ok, I recognize you and "S", but who's the drunk guy?" (meaning himself). He commented to two other people that he had a good time at the party, and that was that.

My one friend says to leave it alone - he's not ready. Two of my other friends say he's ready to DATE, but not ready for a relationship (which is fine with me, since the last relationship drained me of the energy to maintain one of those for a while). But he hasn't asked for my number or asked me out or anything. And I've decided life is too short to wait to do that.

So I want to ask him out. Just to hang out. And I have never done that before. And I don't know how.

I don't want to scare this guy off, because I really like him. I'm afraid my unrequired two year crush is going to make me come on too strong. So I'm looking for advice - what should I do? I was just going to email him and say "blah blah I'm free if you'd like to hang out at the diner blah blah" sort of thing, but I don't know.

help!!!!!

Pages

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:48pm
Yes. That is fine. But don't forget that you have to do another challenge with someone this week you don't know and you initiate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:03pm

Maybe you could "accidentally" bump into him and ask him. Just start chatting to him..how you doin, weather, etc. and then say by the way, sicne you are in the vacinity, would like to help me kill some time over coffee while I wait with for my son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:21pm

You could say to him in an email, "So, I have to drop my son off for his theatre thing on (insert time/ day) and I remembered it was close to where you live... I was wondering if you knew of any great little hang outs in that area that I could visit while I wait for my son..."


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:49pm

>>I'm sorry, I do NOT go by the "if he's interested, he'll ask" route<< You may not go by this, but it is sooo true. Especially, if the flirting has already begun... What is he waiting for... The thing is guys don't think like us girls. They simply don't wonder if the girl is ready, or interested, or this or that... If a guys wants to date you, HE WILL ASK! In the year that I've been coming to this board, I have never experienced anything different. I might flirt like crazy but if the guy does not ask me out, then that is a clear indication that he does not want to go out with me. And on the occasion that I asked a guy out, it didn't work out or I had to do the pursuing... And guys want to pursue...

I agree with Precious, though, there are ways to flirt and be friendly enough that you've given him every chance to ask you out. But if he doesn't, move on.

MHO, Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:18pm

I have to say that I will disagree with this a little. I have some very good guy friends and we have discussed these things some. Some guys although willing to flirt with you do not want to get shot down. I was interested in a guy and my friend (a guy) asked why I didn't let the guy know. I said he would ask me out if he was interested. His response was that isn't necessarily true. He may think that I am out of his league. I don't know that all guys work the same. Once they know you are interested, they certainly like to do most of perusing but if you don't respond and put something into it, they will simply give up.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:29pm

I haven't read ahead yet, but here's my story.

For the very first time a while ago, I had a crush on a coworker. All the "no honey where the money is" stuff aside, I decided I'd ask him out. He beat me to it, and we went out on New Year's Eve, and had a great time. There was no mention of seeing each other socially again, but I wanted to see him.

So, I formulated a plan. There was a comedian coming to town that I liked, so I asked him if he did. Turns out, he did, so I just casually said, "Oh, you want to go with me?" He accepted, and we had another good time. We ended up only having one more date after that one, but it was pleasant, and for the very first time in my life I asked a man out.

I would say that it isn't as scary as it seems, and if it helps, have something specific in mind- not just a generic "would you like to hang out". This way, even if he says he's busy or would just rather not you still have something fun to look forward to.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Moody, determined to try new and scary things


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 3:27am

I have been asked out by several women since I've been single. I have not accepted any of the invitations because I wasn't interested in the women. If I had been interested, I would have asked before they did.

Your situation is somewhat different because of your interfering friend. I got the impression that she had an agenda which was not focused on what you and the guy wanted. My last experience with that was in high school. A girl I liked asked my buddy about asking me to some dance, but he talked her out of it. The girl ran in a different social circle than my buddy did. I ran around in 4-5 different circles and hers was one of them. My buddy had his agenda that was not focused upon the girl's or my well being, but rather, on his well being. I think your friend may be doing this.

If this man is recently out of a lengthy marriage, he can be very woozy on his dating feet. He doesn't know how to ask, he may have had enough experience to have found out that the dating rules have changed since he was last out there, etc. He may well want to ask you out, but is afraid for one reason or another (your friend could be one of those reasons).

I think you should go ahead and ask him to join you while you wait for your son. Make it casual, but do not say anything that is misleading when you ask him out. Nothing like, "I suddenly remembered you live near here". Instead, "I knew you lived near here, so I thought that, . . . " Maybe he is different, but I can normally tell when someone is saying something that is any tiny bit misleading.

I do think that if you ask him out that one time, then it's up to him. You've sent him a definite signal. He can continue the game or not, but the ball's in his court at that point. If you do the work, he will never be yours.

I'm not going to give any advice on whether to ask by email or phone. I hate telephones. Or maybe it's more like a phobia. Just get hold of him in the way that you feel is courteous and with which you are comfortable. Personally, when I used to phone for dates, I would write out what I was going to say. Yeah, a script. Part of that is because I am a "slow talker", but I also found that I could predict the first 5 or so lines that the girl would say, and my 5 lines made sure that I would say what I needed to say. After that I would be ready to deal with whatever else came.

If you feel things are going good at your get-together, you can lead the conversation by letting him know that you enjoyed the evening and that you will be in the area on a regular schedule. But I think you should let him suggest getting together again. And it's okay to flirt a little, but keep it down. A guy may say something because he's all worked up from heavy flirting and then later realize that he really doesn't want to follow through on his invitation. It's okay to laugh, do hair flips, or touch his arm, but not much beyond that if you want a shot at a deeper relationship later on.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 4:02am

I think this post bangs a gong, Lizard Dance - especially in the beginning where you say if you liked them you would have asked them out. I have always been of the school that when the guy is REALLY INTERESTED he will pursue you with a lot of momentum. And to me, this is the best way to go. It is the ONE thing we do not have control over - who will be attracted to us. And unfortunately we just have to wait for that. Just because we like someone doesn't mean they will be attracted to US.

If you feel you must ask him out, do so, there is a lot of good advice here on how to do that. And nothing wrong with that - you never know how it could turn out - really you have nothing to lose. But either way it is good - either he goes out with you because it is what you really want, or he rejects you and that helps you get over the crush.

I wasted 3 years of my time hoping a crush would ask me out. And it taught me a huge lesson and when I realized he wasn't into me, it freed me to be able to really start dating again.

Good luck either way and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:57pm
Bravo Post!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:10pm

Great post, Lizard!


Photobucket

Pages