OK OK - everyone totally took me wrong.
#1 Jack DOES love me and I know that - doesn't mean we will get married and all that jazz. And I am NOT saying this is why I want him back but one thing that I had with him was someone who would come TO ME and spend time at my home - since I have no sitter. You have to also understand that working from home and freelancing I don't get to talk to people socially. I don't know people i am with and I have to work pretty hard since they pay me quite a bit to do so. When I am not working my rear off I have her. I AM chained to my fate RIGHT NOW. I am chained to my home in the evenings and weekends and that is no fun at all. I do fun things with Alyse that I DO enjoy. We go to the park and window shopping and free events. I even splurged and let her ride on the rides at the fair over the holiday weekend. We go to the animal shelter and walk and pet dogs...things like that. She helped me in the yard and we go bike riding and swimming..... she just helped me make the centerpieces for my future SIL wedding shower! Alyse may know something is up with me sometimes - she is sweet and hugs me. BUT she doesn't know what it is and she isn't upset about Jack not being here for the last 2 weeks. In fact HE DID CALL - he was a wreck....I was out side so he called like 4 times before I heard it! I DIDN'T "cave" - I am not so pathetic as that and neither is our issues. He called to tell me that he feels this depression doesn't have a thing to do with me or Alyse. He is depressed - not a wimp. He isn't a wimp at all. He has personal goals too! I don't know where THAT came from. He has his own business for goodness sake! At which he makes good money - and he branches out - he works from 9-7:30 every day and sometimes weekends and of course has his crunch time too where he works even more. He plays classical piano and practices everyday and stays physically fit and even takes voice lessons /Alexander Technique to conquer his shyness. Although lately he has cut back on these things for financial reasons. NO - he doesn't have any of "daddy's money" and doesn't get any of it either. He has madehis life on his own.
Anyways - my point wasn't to defend Jack - I guess just some of the misconceptions got to me - now to clarify things for myself. Sure - that other post was positve - I have had my fair share of those too - but isn't this place a place to also come and vent because everyone knows relationships are hard and break-ups or break-downs are inevitable? I am glad all of you have a ton of friends but unfortunately, I don't. My friends have husbands and families and don't live so close. They have lives - clubs - organizations - money to spend on these activities. I don't. I looked this weekend for HOURS for clubs to join and found NOTHING. I even looked for churches. NOTHING. Parents w/o partners by my house...went to their webpage and all I saw was a bunch of pictures of middle aged people and activities I am not intersted in. No young people in their photos at all.
So whatever. I did miss him Saturday. What? Am I supposed to me numb? I don't need him to define who I am - I know who I am and have things I enjoy just fine. But not everything involves just me - and some things involve me and NO CHILD! And yes - sometimes it is frustrating! And I enjoy company. The phone wasn't ringing with any other calls either mind you.
I understand you are trying to help but once again - I don't need a kick in the rear and I am not some weak little thing that doesn't have it together as far as liking myslef - Heck - I love myself! I just wonder why no one else does. And trust me - I put it out there! I would do anything for my friends and do - unfortunately I don't think they realize they don't give much back. They were all out having fun on Saturday BTW. I invited some people over and they decided to go to a movie instead.
Well, I have a kid going wild with shower door prizes and need to go (my mom gave me money to shop for this stuff - that is kind of pathetic)
L
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here's the deal - i am 25. mom to 4 yr old gracie. also no local friends. i just dumped my guy of 2 years. i can see so many similarities between your life and mine, but i just said F it with my ex FOR GOOD. just F it. if he doesnt appreciate me and try to make me smile the way that i try to make him smile, then F it. i am not mad at him or anything. i am mad at me for staying with someone so long who was just so selfish. when i get lonely for him, i just picture what we'd be doing if we were together. that really does it for me. despite everything that i want him to be, he is just not. i had to come to terms with what it is that i want out of life - not relationship-wise, but in general. i realized that we just weren't compatible. i am not saying that you are in the same boat, but here's the thing. does he truly treat you the way that you want your spouse to treat you? do you treat him the way that you will treat your spouse? with me, i realized that i was doing everything that i would do for my spouse, and he was not treating me the way that i wanted to be treated. i went over these things with him, and he just couldnt give them to me. it just wasnt in his capacity. and i was SO tired of being alone so much. i want a man who is a family guy. and so i moved on - and here was my BIG motivation - my daughter. i want her to see mommy in a loving, mutually-respectful relationship. i dont want her to be in the type of relationship that i was in. too much drama and back and forth, etc. :p anyway. i apologize if you felt attacked. (even if i am secretly glad that you are angry and not sad anymore). ;)
love and hugs,
amy
ps - your singles group sounds like something i would find here in Florida - are you down here also?
Anyways, let me know. I am olderthan you but born in Feb too - the 11th
I do not think you are "chained" to your "fate" - everything in life happens for a reason and there are no such things as accidents. Personally I would rather have a happy well adjusted child than a boyfriend or husband if I had to choose - although both would be a bonus:-) It took me a while to see it that way but I do now.
I also think that what Amy just said is right on target - perhaps it is easier since she is the one who made the decision to break up and she has closure. For some reason you do not have closure with Jack - you still see that there is a chance.
Maybe that is why everyone on the board was "tough" because we do not think there is a chance and that you deserve more. Only time will tell.
I think you have to take the time now to put you and Alyse and your finances first before any boyfriend.
BTW - your activities with Alyse sound really fun - you are a good mom.
actually... LOL! i work in construction. we predict a downtrend in new home purchases right now - so prices will jog down for while (they always do after a hurricane) - like how airplane ticket sales go down when a plane crashes. but they will go up again. and why? because shelter is a basic need and florida is beautiful! a year from now, this place is going to look amazing b/c all of the old dead foliage got knocked over in the storm. it will be very green!
i live in sebastian - it's in indian river county. its really nice - small towny type place. my mom watches my daughter TG! let me know if you are heading down here - i would LOVE to have a single mom friend!
amy
ps - i loved your website.
Maybe if you quit being so danged defensive in an effort to protect yourself and to protect Jack and just listened and took action vs. letting everything happen to you, you would be much better off.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
that is what I meant about housing - that things would be more reasonable in price right now as the "I have had enough"er's take off. I have talked about it forever. The biggest issue is finding work. Most places say "Florida residents only apply" :(
My parents have a place in Clearwater for the winter. I was kind of thinking Tampa Bay/Sarasota or even Orlando if I have to but if you are in Florida - you need the beach I think LOL!
I like the west coast I think because I love watching the sunset there.
L
Basically I need some social outlets. I have a hard time though because honestly people that like me - really like me - people that don't REALLY don't and there are very few that like me :( I don't know - strong personality I guess. Actually people have labled it as "potent" heehehehe
L
Basically I need some social outlets. ... You've been saying that for a few years now. Time to do something concrete about it. There's a time to vent, cry, be angry, be frustrated and to receive virtual and real hugs and sympathy...Then there is a time to quit being a victim and take responsibility for your own life and make necessary changes.
I think the answers to your other posts seemed harsh Laura, because you've received boatloads of sympathy. And people DO care about you enough to see that you're stuck in a rut and need a "jolt" out of it.
You think people don't tend to like you because you're a little abrasive? Then you can see that as THEIR fault for not accepting you as you are, and stay lonely...OR you can see it as YOUR weakness (because we all have them) and work on it. Your choice. Life is full of choices and NO ONE is chained to their own fate. They make it and then they live in it.
I know you feel that everyone was attacking you. You are right, this board is a place to vent and express your feelings. I hear how much you are hurting, and I understand it. I've been there. But what I want for you is to get out of the funk you are in and try to put it behind you. You deserve so much better. You are a good mom. You are good at your job. That's what you have to do. Focus on the positive and put the negative behind you. I agree with everything Amy wrote. I printed it out so that next time I get in a funk, I can read her words and be encouraged. I don't think anyone meant to attack, I think they just want you to be happy and to try to make the best out of a bad situation.
Here's a story for you. She met him when she was 18, her first BF. They were married when she was 22. After 8 years of marriage, no babies. Two years of painful fertility treatments. Pregnant with twins. Twins three months old. He packs a duffle bag and walks out, never to return. There went her life, her true love, her soul mate. Next two years were filled with babies, diapers, bottles, etc. and no social life. Dad introduces her to a guy. She falls head-over-heels in love. Wants to get married. After two years, guy leaves her for her younger sister. Heart-broken again. Devastated, depressed, very dark. Meets rebound guy. He ends up being controlling and abusive. Big mistake. She kicks him out. Tries to rebuild her life.
Seems pretty dark, doesn't it. That's my life story, in a very condensed version. But what I left out was all the good stuff that happened in between. I have two beautiful children who are my world. I have a good job. A good house, even though it needs work, but it gives me something to do when I'm lonely. As a family, we have been to Saugatuck, Michigan; Disney World and Kings Island in Ohio. Next March, we will be going on a cruise to Mexico and the Caymen Islands. As for my personal accomplishments, I volunteer at and teach a class at a pregnancy center for single moms and I teach class and help out at church on Thursday night. The best part of my volunteer work is that I bring my twins with me. They see first hand what it's like to help someone in need. They love when mom teaches class on Thursday night at church. My daughter says she wants to be a teacher like mom when she grows up -- although I'm not really a teacher.
I'm not trying to say that my situation is worse than yours. I'm sure there is someone out there with a worse story. The point is that when you read what I wrote, it's very depressing. But like I said, I left all the good stuff out. When you read the good stuff, the bad stuff doesn't seem so bad. Try to look for the good stuff in between all the bad. Focus on the positive and minimize the negative.
I know you don't have a lot of friends. Neither do I. When I have my kids, we do everything together. My tougher times are when I don't have them. But I try to occupy myself with my house and my volunteer work. I know some people think I'm crazy to volunteer, but I need it. IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. Everybody wins. No one is saying that you aren't a good person. That's just the point. We know you are, and you need to know that and you need to pamper yourself and live your life for you and your child and don't be concerned with a man right now. I was ABSOLUTELY convinced when my husband walked out the door that there would never be a man that would be interested in a single mom with twins. How wrong I was. I have dated four different men, some for long periods of time, since my exh left. Granted, none of them worked out, but I was still out there and not always lonely. When my last relationship ended, I was sad, just like you are now. But I try to tell myself that the six months that we were together were a blast. I had a lot of fun and I wasn't lonely. So now I'm moving into a new season of my life. Even if I don't have a man right now, this is a busy time of year for me. With the holidays coming up, I have a lot of church things to do for the kids. I have plenty to keep me busy when the kids are gone. Just make sure that you have time for you and to do things you enjoy, like reading or whatever your hobbies are. They are great for chasing away the lonliness.
I truly feel that your prince charming is out there somewhere, because I know mine is. Misery loves company; so do your best to put your best foot forward and you will send out good vibes. Like Amy said, self-confidence = sex appeal. No one wants to be around someone who is a downer because everyone has enough of their own problems. Yes, we all hit black holes. The key is to not stay there. I was fortunate. When my exh left, I had two babies that needed me, and I was able to pull myself out of the hole for their sake. But now, I stay out of the hole by nurturing myself and doing what I need to do to be happy. Which is doing my hobbies and my volunteer work. Just try to keep yourself busy to combat the lonliness and spend a lot of time with your daughter, which I know you do. Just remember, this too shall pass. Best of luck.
Donna
laura - sometimes all it takes is a bubble bath with candles and a good book to find your peace again*. (i found that if you put those big candles on the towel bar on that wall in the shower, you get great light) *wait until after bedtime - LOL! i love my life - no drywall in my kitchen and all! i cant scream loud enough to tell you how happy i am to be single again. it is like i am allowing myself to be me again. all wacky, take a sunday afternoon drive to nowhere, shopping spree at the dollar store me. and heres the thing. TOM - yep, a name - like you know him??!!! wasnt on the same wavelength. we loved each other, but we didnt/couldnt make each other happy. so many differences! good times, yes, but i feel to my core that better times are yet to come. every morning feels like christmas eve. come on over to the other side miss aquarius~laura - you know you want to!
ps - you could get your daughter in gymnastics or ballet now that she is 3. also free library reading time is good. odd as it seems - it's good for YOU! you get to chat with other moms - and POSSIBLY a single dad!!!!
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