OK OK - everyone totally took me wrong.
#1 Jack DOES love me and I know that - doesn't mean we will get married and all that jazz. And I am NOT saying this is why I want him back but one thing that I had with him was someone who would come TO ME and spend time at my home - since I have no sitter. You have to also understand that working from home and freelancing I don't get to talk to people socially. I don't know people i am with and I have to work pretty hard since they pay me quite a bit to do so. When I am not working my rear off I have her. I AM chained to my fate RIGHT NOW. I am chained to my home in the evenings and weekends and that is no fun at all. I do fun things with Alyse that I DO enjoy. We go to the park and window shopping and free events. I even splurged and let her ride on the rides at the fair over the holiday weekend. We go to the animal shelter and walk and pet dogs...things like that. She helped me in the yard and we go bike riding and swimming..... she just helped me make the centerpieces for my future SIL wedding shower! Alyse may know something is up with me sometimes - she is sweet and hugs me. BUT she doesn't know what it is and she isn't upset about Jack not being here for the last 2 weeks. In fact HE DID CALL - he was a wreck....I was out side so he called like 4 times before I heard it! I DIDN'T "cave" - I am not so pathetic as that and neither is our issues. He called to tell me that he feels this depression doesn't have a thing to do with me or Alyse. He is depressed - not a wimp. He isn't a wimp at all. He has personal goals too! I don't know where THAT came from. He has his own business for goodness sake! At which he makes good money - and he branches out - he works from 9-7:30 every day and sometimes weekends and of course has his crunch time too where he works even more. He plays classical piano and practices everyday and stays physically fit and even takes voice lessons /Alexander Technique to conquer his shyness. Although lately he has cut back on these things for financial reasons. NO - he doesn't have any of "daddy's money" and doesn't get any of it either. He has madehis life on his own.
Anyways - my point wasn't to defend Jack - I guess just some of the misconceptions got to me - now to clarify things for myself. Sure - that other post was positve - I have had my fair share of those too - but isn't this place a place to also come and vent because everyone knows relationships are hard and break-ups or break-downs are inevitable? I am glad all of you have a ton of friends but unfortunately, I don't. My friends have husbands and families and don't live so close. They have lives - clubs - organizations - money to spend on these activities. I don't. I looked this weekend for HOURS for clubs to join and found NOTHING. I even looked for churches. NOTHING. Parents w/o partners by my house...went to their webpage and all I saw was a bunch of pictures of middle aged people and activities I am not intersted in. No young people in their photos at all.
So whatever. I did miss him Saturday. What? Am I supposed to me numb? I don't need him to define who I am - I know who I am and have things I enjoy just fine. But not everything involves just me - and some things involve me and NO CHILD! And yes - sometimes it is frustrating! And I enjoy company. The phone wasn't ringing with any other calls either mind you.
I understand you are trying to help but once again - I don't need a kick in the rear and I am not some weak little thing that doesn't have it together as far as liking myslef - Heck - I love myself! I just wonder why no one else does. And trust me - I put it out there! I would do anything for my friends and do - unfortunately I don't think they realize they don't give much back. They were all out having fun on Saturday BTW. I invited some people over and they decided to go to a movie instead.
Well, I have a kid going wild with shower door prizes and need to go (my mom gave me money to shop for this stuff - that is kind of pathetic)
L
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So if you have any suggestions that I haven't tried I would be happy to try them. As far as changing who i am...Or working on who I am....I have and I do but personally - I am not really BLAMING anyon. I like who I am. I am a good person who is loyal and loving and some people know that about me. Unfortunately, They just aren't up for including me in a social life. Mostly because of distance (actual miles)
I know that post is meant to be encouraging and I know you are a very kind person who has people's best interests and wellfare at heart but what you just said was "you are not OK as you are and if you don't change yourself no one will like you"
L
No drywall in your kitchen -- sounds like my kitchen. My house is an unfinished nightmare (in my opinion -- no one else thinks it's that bad) but I love my house too. It's mine. I can do what I want when I want and no one can tell me otherwise. There are positives to being single, and we just have to think of those things when we get down. I just recently ended a relationship with someone that I cared about very much, but he couldn't decide what he wanted, and I didn't feel like hanging around to wait for him to figure it out. But, I did have a great time with him, and there are times I miss him. I just try to put that out of my mind and find something to keep me busy. But your words to Laura were very encouraging, and I'll take a look at them again when I get down about being alone. Thanks for the boost.
Donna
But I know - from other posts- you and I are a lot alike. And I am very much dealing with things like you. My relaitonship with Jack wasn't bad at all - sure there were times all centered around uncertainty, not bad things. So I will enjoy the memories we created. But I still don't think there is anything wrong with hoping there could be more with him. Or someone else. I DO have plenty of memories that don't involve him or a man and a place to create them.
My point was I had a MOMENT of feeling sad and lonely and wanted to share that moment so I didn't fee so alone. I don't feel like that right now. I didn't feel like and hour before I wrote it. I didn't feel like that on Sunday at all! I felt good - worked in the yard. Had dinner with my parents. Had a good normal happy productive day. Trust me - life is too short to waste but sometimes - like I am sure you do too - I get sad about things. It doesn't mean we are victims! I have NEVER bought into the victim mentality. BUT there are things that you can't change - no matter how you try or want them too. You have to live with it - but it doesn't mean it won't bother you from time to time.
(((HUGS)))) to you. Our stories are similar in many ways. Life is hard for all of us. I just really feel like this is a place to HELP and ENCOURAGE - not cut down people and tell them they are whiny and weak. Because even if I may have a whine from time to time (maybe I post too much when i feel sad and not enough when i am happy) I am not a whiner, a victim, or weak.
And you aren't either - although I am sure you have had your cries where you just think 'I am SOOO tired!"
Laura
I know that feeling you have - i have been there. I guess for this situation I wasn't miserable. I didn't modify me at all. For the first time - I really really was myself. So I don't feel that relief. i never modified "me" for him at all. I let it ALL hang out hahahaha - even the fact that I am not-so-neat. I think that is why I feel so sad now. because I truly believe he loves me for me and who I am. Too bad he has problems. Maybe he will work them out and be ready. Mayeb he won't. Maybe things will be different when he does - if he does. But whatever happens will happen. Right now I am sad about a loss. I am sure that somday things will be different.
The only certainty in life IS change ;)
Laura
No - that's not what she said. That is your defensiveness coming out again.
Every single person has a list of personality traits. Some of those things are positive, some of those things are negative. As we age and mature, we must learn to control the negatives. Otherwise, we aren't growing and maturing at all, we are simply aging. Some of my negatives are that I'm prideful, I'm stubborn, I'm a procrastinator, I'm independent to the point of HURTING people who love me and want to help me, I can be very defensive (it's a self-protection mechanism MANY people have - but it's negative) and the list goes on and on and on. Working on those negative traits is a constant for me. It's a constant for any self-aware person who wants to grow and do better.
If people are telling you that you are abrasive (which I personally don't see in you) - then I firmly believe you need to do some self-examination, determine why you are like that, and learn to counter that. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, it means you have some growing to do. And everyone does. Always.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
NO Laura, what I essentially said was "you have been complaining about yourself and your life for years. If YOU don't like how it is, change it"
That is what I said.
Honestly, I think I am probably out of patience for answering the same posts over and over again, so I'll step off and let others who have more to give continue to respond.
Do you have a YMCA in your neighborhood? The YMCA was a huge hit for me and my daughter when I first became a single mom. They have lots of family friendly events, a single parents social club, and potlucks. They also have a kid care center for younger kids to play in while mom/dad works out, and an Adventure Zone for kids over 5 and a teen center for older kids. You and Alyse can sign up to do craft projects together, and she can play with kids her age while you take a pilates class, or work out in the gym. They have very reasonably priced swim lessons for the young ones, and for you too. And the bonus is, you can meet other members of your community there.
My YMCA has a mix of singles who are looking for a place to workout that isn't going to be a meat market or a marketing machine, families who want to work out together, single parents and stay at home parents who need "an hour or two" to themselves to work out while their kids play in the zone. I love my YMCA. I've gone from a single parent membership with my daughter to a full fledged family membership with 4 kids attached. :)
They have financial assistance for those who can't afford to pay the membership fees, but I think they are pretty reasonable.
If you have one in your neighborhood...I recommend that you look into it for the social outlet you're looking for, or as a start to meeting new people.
Good luck!
I mentioned this in another post - I guess it is a good idea! Thanks for the helpful idea!
Laura
I think we are a like in some ways, but I disagree when it comes to Jack. You write, "But I still don't think there is anything wrong with hoping there could be more with him." I don't agree. I think it would be better for you if you just shut the door and tried to forget about him and told yourself once and for all that it's over. You don't believe that it's over. In your mind, there could still be a chance. That keeps the wound open. I know that's not easy to do. I kept "the door open" hoping my exh would come back for two years. Then it happened. I had an epiphany moment. It was New Years Day about five years ago. I spent New Years Eve at a friends house, and my sister watched the twins. We came back early New Years day because we were supposed to get a horrible snow storm in Chicago, and we did. I brought the kids and all their stuff in the house. I walked over to the radio in the kitchen and turned it on. A song from the 80's was playing. It was "Good-Bye To You" by Scandal (I love that song). That afternoon I realized that my exh would hold the door open forever if I let him. My family always told me that, but I had to realize it for myself. Within the month, I filed for divorce and put an end to the open door, which gave me closure for the first time in my life. I felt totally "free" of him after that. A lot of people can tell you what to do, but until you are ready to do it, you won't.
I think you misinterpreted the advice given here. I don't think anyone was trying to put you down. I think we all try to support each other, it's just that sometimes, people disagree. And that's ok because this would be a boring world if everyone was the same. If we are all supposed to be friends here, you have to think that maybe people here see your pain and don't want you to be in pain any more. They give advice from a different vantage point, one that you might not always see. I think everything here is done in the spirit of goodwill. You can be defensive where Jack is concerned. Try to remember, we are just trying to help. I try to offer advice in situation where I feel I have been through the same thing. I just tried to give you examples of what helped me.
I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute and say that what Becky said about if you want things to change, you have to change them yourself. I do agree with that. You mentioned some great things, but then you said your daughter was too clingy. Maybe if you were away from her more, and she got used to other people, she wouldn't be so clingy. I know. I had two chilren clinging to me. But now they know that I have my things to do, and they don't mind because we spend a lot of quality time together. If you make time to do something you enjoy, just for yourself,like flag corp coach or something else, it will make a world of difference. I have two kids, a full time job and I spend almost 3 hours a day commuting. But, at this point in my life, I need my volunteering and other activities to keep myself sane, so I make time for them -- and you can too.
I'm glad that you are not sad all the time. Like I said, time will heal this. But I still think the more you work on you and your daughter, the happier you will be.
Donna
It is so much more than a gym. For ex: this past summer all 4 of our kids made garden stones at the YMCA. They had so much fun and we got to take them home for free. They each carved their names and dates into them so they are memorable keepsakes as well as lawn decorations. :)
We go to the YMCA for Halloween too, because it gets too cold around here to trick or treat outdoors. They usually have carnival set up for the kids to participate in games and trick or treating indoors.
Let me know what you think, if you decide to join. :)
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