OK OK - everyone totally took me wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
OK OK - everyone totally took me wrong.
21
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:18pm
#1 Jack DOES love me and I know that - doesn't mean we will get married and all that jazz. And I am NOT saying this is why I want him back but one thing that I had with him was someone who would come TO ME and spend time at my home - since I have no sitter. You have to also understand that working from home and freelancing I don't get to talk to people socially. I don't know people i am with and I have to work pretty hard since they pay me quite a bit to do so. When I am not working my rear off I have her. I AM chained to my fate RIGHT NOW. I am chained to my home in the evenings and weekends and that is no fun at all. I do fun things with Alyse that I DO enjoy. We go to the park and window shopping and free events. I even splurged and let her ride on the rides at the fair over the holiday weekend. We go to the animal shelter and walk and pet dogs...things like that. She helped me in the yard and we go bike riding and swimming..... she just helped me make the centerpieces for my future SIL wedding shower! Alyse may know something is up with me sometimes - she is sweet and hugs me. BUT she doesn't know what it is and she isn't upset about Jack not being here for the last 2 weeks. In fact HE DID CALL - he was a wreck....I was out side so he called like 4 times before I heard it! I DIDN'T "cave" - I am not so pathetic as that and neither is our issues. He called to tell me that he feels this depression doesn't have a thing to do with me or Alyse. He is depressed - not a wimp. He isn't a wimp at all. He has personal goals too! I don't know where THAT came from. He has his own business for goodness sake! At which he makes good money - and he branches out - he works from 9-7:30 every day and sometimes weekends and of course has his crunch time too where he works even more. He plays classical piano and practices everyday and stays physically fit and even takes voice lessons /Alexander Technique to conquer his shyness. Although lately he has cut back on these things for financial reasons. NO - he doesn't have any of "daddy's money" and doesn't get any of it either. He has madehis life on his own.

Anyways - my point wasn't to defend Jack - I guess just some of the misconceptions got to me - now to clarify things for myself. Sure - that other post was positve - I have had my fair share of those too - but isn't this place a place to also come and vent because everyone knows relationships are hard and break-ups or break-downs are inevitable? I am glad all of you have a ton of friends but unfortunately, I don't. My friends have husbands and families and don't live so close. They have lives - clubs - organizations - money to spend on these activities. I don't. I looked this weekend for HOURS for clubs to join and found NOTHING. I even looked for churches. NOTHING. Parents w/o partners by my house...went to their webpage and all I saw was a bunch of pictures of middle aged people and activities I am not intersted in. No young people in their photos at all.

So whatever. I did miss him Saturday. What? Am I supposed to me numb? I don't need him to define who I am - I know who I am and have things I enjoy just fine. But not everything involves just me - and some things involve me and NO CHILD! And yes - sometimes it is frustrating! And I enjoy company. The phone wasn't ringing with any other calls either mind you.

I understand you are trying to help but once again - I don't need a kick in the rear and I am not some weak little thing that doesn't have it together as far as liking myslef - Heck - I love myself! I just wonder why no one else does. And trust me - I put it out there! I would do anything for my friends and do - unfortunately I don't think they realize they don't give much back. They were all out having fun on Saturday BTW. I invited some people over and they decided to go to a movie instead.

Well, I have a kid going wild with shower door prizes and need to go (my mom gave me money to shop for this stuff - that is kind of pathetic)

L

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:30pm
Huge Hugs to you.

I know you've heard this through out the answers to your post, but I've been where you are. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I have a kid there to do it with or do it for. I work from home, and have worked from home for well on to 14 years. Never had much of a life outside of my home, kids, wifely role When I got divorced, I thought and felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I tried to look the part of "cute", "I'm available", "I'm a nice person", "I'll do anything for family and friends" person and no one seemed to see that. All they saw was my frustration and anger that I didn't realize I was showing and that others could see.

Even though I kept telling myself I was all these things, men saw my anger and wouldn't give me a second look. I did online dating, because basically I'm not a bar or club scene person. My entire time of day is for my kids and my home and my business. When I'm not doing something for one, I'm doing something for the other. I thought I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I journaled and journaled. I didn't have anyone to talk to, because everyone was married and what did they know about my situation (nothing). I couldn't talk to family, because frankly they didn't understand me either.

I know you are in love. You love this man. You love when he's good to you. You love him still when you are not getting what you need from him. You love him now that he's feeling the way he's feeling. You love him that he calls you venting his life, how scared he is, how stressed out he is. Your life is not about him though. It's about You. It's about what you need. It's about where you want to be next year. It's about your daughter. It's about how you can get a life outside of your home and business. These are statements that I've asked myself in the past. What do I want at this very moment? That's another question I asked.

I wrote about my goals. I wrote about how I felt. I wrote about my anger. God help me, I even wrote about how it would be like to not have any kids and be able to go out and mingle like other women with no obligations. My life was what I had made it out to be and I love my kids and wouldn't give them up for the world. I made the best of what I had and decided that changes weren't going to happen with me by just writing about them and feeling frustrated and angry. One day I just decided to "$hit or get off the pot" and I did. It didn't happen over night, but it did happen. I wrote about what I wanted from a relationship, and I got it. I wrote about what I wanted from the man that I would love, and I got it. I wrote about sharing my household burdens, and I got it. I wrote about someone sharing the mommy duties, and I got it. I got it because I went out and did something every day to get me out of the house with no kids. I got online and met blind dates. I got ballsy and even IMed a few and chatted with them directly. I made appointments with clients and met for lunch or dinner. I found babysitting to get me ot to meetings at nights. I didn't have the money sometimes, and in fact was broke half of the time. I still did what I felt was holding me where I didn't want to be.

I found a great man also. Things aren't always hunky dory with us, we've been arguing alot lately, in fact. But, man, did I get lucky. He is there sharing my days, my obligations, my duties. He drives 1 1/2 hours to work and back every day and he still takes time to call to ask if we have milk, can I pick up the kids for you, etc. We have the most satisfying and fullfilling sex life - I wrote about what I wanted from my sex life and I got it. He is also very supportive - I wrote about that too. Just about everything I wrote about in my journal I got, because I didn't sit around waiting. I stopped whining about it to myself and I stopped feeling sorry for myself also.

I honestly don't see you getting that from the man that you are so in love with. May I suggest that you maybe start a journal on this. Ask yourself, what is he doing for me at this very moment? Ask yourself, Why did he keep me a secret for so long? Just write it out, be honest when writing, even if it sounds like you are nut, writ it out. Then keep writing and write those questions down and try to answer them. Sometimes we have to let things go and if it's meant to be it'll come back to you.

Huge hugs to you. Sorry it's so long. I want you to know that my heart goes out to - truely it does. We've have been in your shoes in some way, maybe not exact. We can relate to you.

Marilyn

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

Pages