Ok ok so I am not suppose to analyze...

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Registered: 04-09-2006
Ok ok so I am not suppose to analyze...
12
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:19am

So here I am again just checking up on something. I am my old self now around her as I have said before moody, and we are having a Great time! We had gone to get coffee in the morning. The morning was full of us giving eachother a "hard time" (u know ragging on one another for various things). In her office in the afternoon, I dumped her candy out on her keyboard and of course she threw a bunch at my head. We were playful and she likes to give "the finger" as a part of her personality and humor. We exchanged that symbol several times in the conversation when she said something different...I can't explain the context of the conversation because I simply don't remember but we were still giving eachother a hard time..."How does it feel to want" she said, with a smile and that look...u know that look. I gave her the bird in silence with a smile and said I'm outta here. She said, u have 20 minutes I thought, hang out. Everything went on as normal from there, still having fun.

My question: Am I getting played by someone who knows that I am interested? I mean, we all know that when someone is interested in you, and u aren't interested in them, the last thing you want to do is egg on those feelings unless of course you want something yourself....unless of course I am wrong about this?

So, I haven't changed at all since then, still me but what the heck was that question all about? I think its messed up that she would say something like that if she herself wasn't intersted in something....your take?

FYI: Some male point of views:

1. Says don't read into anything, u end up setting yourself up for nothing but paid, shes messing with you.

2. Wow, she might "give it up" before she leaves.

3. Maybe she is interested but won't act because she is still my boss. (The going away party is taking place after she is already officially gone) If anything were to happen at the party, it would be fine company wise.

4. She was just making a playful statement to see what I would say.

I sent her an email later that she got this morning and laughed at. It read: How does it feel to want? I don't know, you tell me, my wants are slowly wearing away....

ACES

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 4:04am

I know you keep saying that you are fine now and behaving normally etc but it still seems to me you are holding out for something else which is why you are questioning everything she says.

The following two comments - " I think its messed up that she would say something like that if she herself wasn't intersted in something....your take?" and "Maybe she is interested but won't act because she is still my boss. (The going away party is taking place after she is already officially gone) If anything were to happen at the party, it would be fine company wise." says it all to me. You havent moved on at all. You still think that there maybe is a chance for you two.

It either seems to me that she is just having a laugh with you and trying to get things onto a strictly friends basis or maybe she is thriving on the fact you have feelings for her and is teasing you about it (though probably not in a malicious way or anything). Afterall its always flattering to have someone fancy you, no matter what you feel about them.

But I seriously dont think you have moved on at all though you keep trying to convince us (and probably yourself) that you have.

I honestly dont think she meant anything by it apart from just having a laugh, be it in a friendly way or in a teasing way. I dont think this was her subtle way of saying that she does want to be with you which I think is what you are still hoping for.

She isn't interested in anything other than friendship with you, you need to accept that fact for your own sanity.




Edited 5/10/2006 4:06 am ET by dillydrip
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Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:10am

Well, Aces, I pretty much agree with the male points of view, in fact, I couldn't have stated them better myself. Well, maybe a little less bluntly, but probably not.

I don't know that you're getting "played", maybe she's just comfortable enough with you now that you're being friendly and not pushing for more to flirt and act completely like herself. Maybe now she trusts you and your friendship enough to know you won't overanalyze everything and try to get her to date you.

BUT if you are getting played, you need to watch out. If she's doing that, and I really don't know what she's doing- I don't know the woman, much less her hidden agenda, she's trouble. With a capital T. It could be because the attention feels good. It could be a power thing. It could just be because that's how she is. Any way you look at it, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak there.

I would say, since I don't know the context of the comment, I wouldn't worry about it too much. For all I know, you wanted her last piece of chocolate- and "how does it feel to want" is completely appropriate. However, if the innuendoes continue and you keep getting mixed messages, I think you have two options.

Go with it and flirt back, knowing it's going nowhere, you're friends who flirt, and nothing more. She's leaving, you're staying, she's not ready, and has said she'd let you know if and when se was. OR, push for an explanation, and push her away.

Moody- who hasn't finished her coffee yet, and may need to repost when she's fully awake and less... Moody


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Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:18am

Dilly, I can empathize completely with Aces. While I agree with what you're saying mentally, emotionally, it's sometimes just not that easy.

I also think Aces probably is behaving normally to her, and when it counts. By that I mean, I can be crushing on a guy, and analyze every comment, every move, for weeks, and he'd never know it. My friends wouldn't know it, unless I told them. But you all would, because this is my safe haven, where I can obsess as much as I want to, and get an anonymous reality check.

There's a difference between moving on and giving up, I think, and without hope, what does any one of us have?


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Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:28am

Oh I know, I can empathize too, I know exactly how hard it is to do. I guess I just never kid myself otherwise and I admit Im not moving on even if Im trying to behave normally. I was just giving my take on the situation, my opinion, doesnt necessarily mean its the correct one.

I just keep thinking if this was a girl saying she was behaving like this that some people might be giving her different advice about not wasting time on a man who obviously isnt interested. Again, just my opinion.

I know this is the place to come for that anonymous reality check, its also the place to voice your own opinion and say what you feel about the situation, even if it no one else agrees with it. I could agree with everything he is saying but I would be lying so I try to be as honest as I can.

Im sorry to the OP if it offends or isnt what he wanted to hear but im just being honest as far as I can see it :)

And trust me, Ive used this place a lot recently for my own peace of mind about situations and have heard good and bad things (have been told before to just get over it when I posted about a particular worry)but Im willing to take it all in just as I know Aces is / has done in the past.

Hope my "to the point" comments havent upset anyone. I dont mean to come across as insensitive but I tend to just speak as I find.

Edited 5/10/2006 7:34 am ET by dillydrip




Edited 5/10/2006 7:37 am ET by dillydrip
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 9:37am

Dilly, I can always accept your blunt opinions, I respect them and parts of them make sense to me. There is a difference between hope and expectation and I have hope. Hope that someday something can happen, definitely no time soon. But she has told me that since my change back to myself on Sunday that she "likes this guy alot more" meaning me of course. She knows who I am now and I have put no pressure on her. Yesterday in fact, she confirmed our lunch date for tomorrow. She's coming over, we are going to the pool and then off to a bar to play shuffleboard and have lunch and cocktails. I thank God that he has given me this chance to spend time with her. I asked her for it, she resiprocated and accepted. Hope is all I have, my expectations are very low. Deep down, I think we have a connection but there are MANY variables that screw us up.

I can start a list:

Her dad is prolly telling her, this would be the 3rd guy uve dated in ten years with your company and at 34 are you going to try again? Theyve all been dead ends.

Im 27, she probably considers me a BOY rather than a man.

Shes been through life battles, children, career, relationships...I have none of that.

The list goes on and as my psychologist said, uve done all the nice right things for her. You guys are simply in two different spots in your life. We do have a bet though (me and this woman). If more than 45 ppl show up to the going away party then she has to come visit me first and if the reverse happens then I have to come to LA and see her first. In principal she is saying we will spend more time together...in the end...it might just be friends.

HOPE not EXPECTATION.

Aces

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Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 10:05am

Well its good that you think that. Me, I think I may take time out from this discussion group and keep my so called blunt opinions to myself.

Hope it all goes well. I know you will keep dreaming and hoping of a different outcome so good luck to you. Hopefully it will work out as you want it to.




Edited 5/10/2006 10:06 am ET by dillydrip
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Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 10:10am

Aces,

She has to enjoy your attention, but that doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you. I've seen this exact same scenario, so many times. You are her friend. You make her laugh. She enjoys the attention. I bet if she sends you an email, she can count on you to respond within an hour.

She will use your attention as an ego boost to give her the courage to date SOMEONE else.

Let me get this straight. You're 27 years old and never been married, no kids? Don't waste your time on this woman who has you placed in the friend's box. Look for some women who share your life experiences. Work on your career and take up some hobbies.

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Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:29pm

Dilly, I didn't mean that at all! I agreed with everything you said, in fact. I hope I haven't offended you, although it seems I have.

For that, I'm sorry.

Moody- who seems to have really put her foot in it this time


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Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:47pm

I really haven't posted to your situation because so many other people have offered their opinions and I thought they had excellent advice.

You are beating a dead horse. I agree that if a woman were posting your situation then she would probably be told she was obsessing and move on. She has made her position clear. She is enjoying your attention. If she wanted to be with you, then she would have taken the opportunity.

No offense, but I think that as long as you stay in contact with her you are always going to analyze everything and hold out hope. You have alot to offer the RIGHT woman. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent and honest man? You deserve alot better. You will never find the right one while you are clinging to the hope that she will change her mind

I hope this isn't too harsh, but when the right one comes along they will WANT to be with you and they WILL let you know that. JMHO.
Stephanie

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Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:05pm

I have to pipe in here to say ITA that she is getting a total ego boost from you, she likes the attention...if she wanted to take this somewhere she would have because speaking as an older woman (31, LOL) when I want something I tend to go for it but I ALWAYS make my motives clear. There is the cutie I flirt with (happens to be 21 - blush) but he knows where I stand and there is the guy who I have the deep and meaningful conversations with and Ilove hanging with him but once again, I make it clear to him, I cannot invest too much emotionally because right now my children and some personal goals are the focus of my life. Its fairly simple. If she wants to flirt, fine, dont make dates...just flirt. She is sending totally mixed signals and I would back away from the whole deal before it gets messy for you.
Hey, if us "older women" are liberated enough to play with younger men we must do it right and not play games that hurt!

Lisa

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