Okay - grab a coffee - my date report

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Okay - grab a coffee - my date report
6
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 3:47pm

Okay girls - my trick for getting ready early worked - I wore khaki capri pants with a cute brown button down top, sandals and belt. Put my hair up because that is how it looks best and light makeup. Jewelry was neat and matched - not overdone.

So there was no dressing tizzy. Also, it is just coffee and just for a likeable activity partner for casual dating - not a soulmate.

I worked until it was time to go. Got there on time - and he was a little early waiting for me. There are two coffee shops side by side and he wasn't sure which one. We picked one and both ordered iced tea.

My initial reaction is that he is fit and pleasant looking and I liked him and said to myself that something could develop if given time based on looks. I could tell that his was the same about me.

So we sat down with our tea and went over the basics. He wanted to know about my business so I told him and he seemed impressed with it. We talked about where we went to school. I told him about my wild morning with DS - he got up just a little late and it was funny. He asked about DS's dad - if I had an ex and I explained that I did but we have been divorced for 6 years and the dust has long settled and the visitation is currently working well because I do the best I can with that - I mean exh takes DS on every weekend for at least one day so I can ride my bike like a mad woman and those two can enjoy their time. It works. Plus I love having DS all during the school week because I love the homework and studying thing and DS is doing so well with that.

That is where the bomb dropped. He explained that he has 2 exs - one was not a wife - was a whoops - and you know what? I can forgive that because he is a great dad. It is the 2nd ex that gives me the trouble and him the ax - because he is newly divorced - only since November and the little girl is 4 and they had a huge custody battle so they can have half time and the situation is still ugly. I don't want that drama in my life. He was saying that he has a hard time to have a schedule between the two ex's.

I remained gracious but I know this won't work - also I think he is having a hard time with work - he got laid off for 9/11 and is now a contract employee for that company - but the work is starting to dwindle and he has to figure out some other stuff.

The pros are that I got a date with conversation and tea and a story to type for you guys. It is practice for dating and decision making.

I just need to find something easy for me that is an asset to my life.

We ended it nicely - he gave me the cheek touch - I call it the Latin embrace - because all of my Latin friends do that - even though he is not Latin. He said he would love to bike or run with me sometime but probably can't keep up - but maybe there is something else and I said okay. But you know how that goes - I will not do anything else from here. Because while I do want an activity partner, I do want the possibility that it can turn to something else and this situation doesn't work for me.

I also think he might have fudged his age because his profile says that he is 3 years younger than me and he looks to be at least 3 years older. I almost got confused about that while thinking about it on the way home because I was remembering the pilot I typed about this morning - gotta keep them straight.

So I did give myself a pep talk and said you have a race this weekend - you better look good and do some socializing! I will keep doing OLD - although there are now no prospects on the horizon - at least not right now because the one I really like hasn't written back yet. He is travelling so you never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:24pm

That's a very good update, you get a gold star!

Bummer about the two exes and small child thing, but you're right, there's no point for you in continuing anything that simply isn't compatible. An activities partner is one thing, but you're not looking for that- you're looking for a date!

Great job not stressing about the clothes, and I bet you looked great!

It would be interesting to know if he really did lie about his age, but I'm not sure you'll ever find that out now.

If he's willing to lie about something as minor as 6 years, my guess is that he'd lie about other things, too, so even if he was compatible in every other way, there's a red flag.

I'm happy to know that you're continuing your search- dating can be fun, and you know yourself well enough to know what you want, what to look for, and who to say goodbye to.

Moody, hoping you find the easy asset you're looking for


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:55pm

Thanks, Moody!

I thought to myself at the beginning, the next time one of our posters writes about a date, I am going to pat them on the back just for going through the process - it is maddening at best - although I think I am pretty used to it.

I think it is almost more of a matter of finding someone with a situation that matches more than just 2 people getting along. Because I am sure the two of us could get along - it is just his situation that is too difficult. I think he will just have to chill for a while and raise his kids so he has more to offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 7:22pm

West, Hooray for you for knowing what you want & playing the game to perfection! It is very nerve-wracking going on first dates, but trust, after you have a few more of these under your belt this time, it'll get easier.


I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 9:39pm

Thanks!! I think the date is easier when you are not sure if you will like the person. I have had more blind dates than I could ever count from my last 2 year escapade - but that was 3 years ago - I guess this was a good tune up and as you say it will get easier.

He just wrote a note thanking me for tea and said that if I need a running buddy or someone to have tea with to let him know. I wrote back and thanked him for the tea as well and said okay. I guess he had called - but I was busy getting all of the stuff ready for my DS's party tomorrow.

The thing that I have done a little different in my profile is to state that I am looking for activity partners for working out and going out to eat. I think that takes the pressure off the "is he the one" thing for me and for the other person. While we both did approach this as a date, when it is obvious it doesn't work, it can have a softer landing.

If the circumstances were right I would keep him as an activity partner. But this one is not going to be able to do too much because he is not as fit as me and doesn't have the time. I can tell that there would be a little chemistry and since he is so new out of his divorce I don't think HE could keep his wishes platonic and I would sense if we tried this it would get messy.

The funny thing is that I slipped by not asking him how long he has been divorced. That is one of the things I always ask before the first date - but since his profile said it had been so long since a date and he has a 13 year old son and stays busy coaching the son's sports I just assumed the wrong thing. I almost always cover relationship/divorce history either in email or on the phone because it saves me the trouble of a blind date if there has been a train wreck that really prevents the person from being a good candidate.

The last guy I talked to had 2 divorces - and I would have overlooked the first since he was so young, but his last divorce sounded to be something like the War of the Roses movie and he was about out of breath saying he fell so hard for a red head and they couldn't stop battling and it was ruining his life. I don't have red hair and I don't want a mess. It was a shame because we had a lot in common.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:33pm

You know, it does sound like you're getting closer and closer, so consider each dead end is really another step forward!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:36pm

I don't know Soonee - I am now zero on the OLD scene. There was one that really matched with regards to interests and his profile - he is the one who paid to write to me. His communication is so spotty that I think he might be married. He went "ghost" from the end of last week.

It is good to have dating experience and experience with emailing and seeing what they want and what they say.

Last night I have a few good laughs - there was a guy pictured with his cat and his profile says he is an aspiring movie producer - like that would be a good career goal if you are not living in LA and a man nearing 50 - and then his profile goes on and on about how he can't stand women that don't act their age and who dress like teenagers!! I mean he wrote paragraphs about that stuff.

Then there was another man who put a picture of him in his underpants - with the whole picture cropped just to show him below his waist. EWWWWWWWWWWWW - he didn't even look good.

So I guess I am already burned out and only a week has gone by.