Okay, here's the thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Okay, here's the thing...
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Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:48pm

Like I posted a couple of days ago, I'm seeing this new guy, who is really sweet.

BUT....

This other guy, who I've like for sooooo very long (who happens to be a doctor..lol) just called me and asked me out on a date for Saturday night. He's divorced, has an eight month old, and very very sweet. I accepted the date, I mean, it's just a date, no harm in that right? I don't know...maybe... The other guy I'm seeing brought up the whole "I don't want to see other people" speech a little while ago. I didn't know what to say when he brought it up. It kinda felt like an ultimatum. I left it alone b/c I thought we were on the same track, not being pushy, just having fun kinda thing. Well, I guess not giving a direct answer was answer enough for him b/c now he assumes that we are a couple, which I don't want or need at this point.

I really want to go out with this other guy but I don't want to add any drama to my already dramatic life, or hurt the guys feelings. So, what should I do? I thought we were just having fun, being friends, just going about our business....huh.

So? I know everyone thinks that I shouldn't be dating right now considering everything that has been and is going on with my exh. But, I like to go out every once and a while, and I don't see any harm in it...until now that is. So, what do I do? I like the other guy I'm seeing, but I just think it would be silly to pass up the opportunity to go out on a date with someone that I've wanted to go out with for so long. He's so nice, sweet, a good father, goes to church, doesn't drink...I could go on and on and on. Maybe I'm just wrapped up in the fact that he actually wants to go on a date with ME. ME of all people.

What would you all do?

Kait

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 8:33pm

I think you really have to put YOU first and get your life settled down. This means finishing school and getting your first job. It means getting the visitation down to a science where there is no drama. It means getting used to and using the time well when you are not with dd.

Your initial reaction to the guy who doesn't want to date others is right. You have to set him straight right off the bat. You cannot let someone else put THEIR agenda on you when you don't feel the same way. You have to be very selfish now. If you cannot stand up to that and set him straight without batting an eye then you might not be ready to date.

I think that if you had more time alone you would be stronger and more selfish. You need to be very selfish with regards to dating.

I think for now you should tell the other guy you don't want anything serious and don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to date others. Be careful that you are not intimate with him or you will get into trouble. Tell him right off straight that you want to date other people.

If you want to go on a date on Saturday that is okay. Just be careful - don't go to a house, don't drink too much, don't stay out too late. Be with a group of friends if you can. And be careful, especially with the volatile situation with your exh - I am worried about that with you for now - if he sees that or knows someone who sees that there could be trouble. Just be careful and keep a low profile for now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:08pm

I've been told by a very close friend of mine, many times, that I should take this time and be selfish when it comes to dating. However, I've never been that type of person and I don't think I really know how to do that. I don't want to hurt "Jarod's" feelings in the process of wanting to date other people. Then again, I'm scared that if I do tell him, go out with this doctor and don't like it, then Jarod won't want to see me anymore. I'm trying to be casual, as casual with the whole dating thing as I can be, but I like going out. I don't want to sit at home all the time when my dd is gone. I guess in some ways I am being selfish b/c I guess I'm using Jarod to give me someway to occupy my time when my dd is gone. Since Sunday I've cooled down on how much I see him. Even though I "thought" he wasn't being pushy, I guess in some ways he is/was. I don't let him come over a lot, just every once in a while when dd is gone to hang out - nothing intimate. We go to dinner, to see his baby, and we see friends. I know he wants more, but I want to use this time to do then things I've never been able to do. I was married so young and limited myself to only dating in high school. I sure don't want to be in a committed relationship right now, especially since I just got out of one with my exh.

Oh my....I just don't want to be mean to Jarod and hurt his feelings. Maybe I won't tell him about the other date. I don't know. I'm confused with all of this crap. I guess this should be the least of my worries, especially with all the crap that I'm still dealing with with my exh. I just don't want to burn any bridges, so to speak, and I sure don't want Jarod to think I'm some selfish witch...lol.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:50pm

Kait,


Did you agree to the proposal not to see others with Jarod?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:27am

I don't think I'm going to have to worry about it either way now anyway...lol. He stopped by for a little bit tonight while dd was asleep. When he came in (knocked of couse) I was on the phone. He got kind of aggrivated b/c I didn't get off the second he walked in, which was really weird to me. Anyway, we sat on the couch for a little while, but we didn't really say much. I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying nothing, even though I knew something was going on. He finally said that he was a little upset that I didn't get off the phone (I stayed on maybe a minute after he came in) and said that he was upset b/c I wasn't as comfortable around him as he'd like me to be. He wants me to be all over him and run up and kiss him and drop everything when I see him. Well...I'm just not doing that at this point. He kept on and on and on with the whole affection thing. Oh yeah, and he got 5 calls while he was here and I didn't get mad b/c he stayed on the phone. It just seems a little immature for a 32 year old man.

Anyway...I've explained to him over and over that I'm just not "as" affectionate as I "could" be due to the fact that I've been in such a terrible relationship. I just want to take it slow and get to know him. I told him this again tonight. I apologized (for some reason) but explained that I am shy, a little nervous, and not ready for anything more than I'm willing to give right now. He was still aggrivated which in turn made me a little mad. So, I asked him to leave. Actually I said, "I think you should probably go." So, he got up, I went to the door, opened it, he tried to kiss me after rolling his eyes, I turned my head, he kissed me on the cheek, said he would call me tomorrow, and left.

I'm not ready to really deal with him. I can't help but be a little distant, but that's just how I am at this point. I'm not really ready to give something my all right now and I don't really feel like I should HAVE to. Oh well...if he calls he calls, and if doesn't understand then he doesn't. I'm not going to cry over spilt milk. No love lost...lol...

I'm trying to play it off I guess, but it still irks me a little that I thought he was being so understanding when he wasn't. Oh well I guess...chalk it up for better luck next time. But I do know that I don't want or need a bf and if he can't accept that then he doesn't have too...I will be selfish...my way or the highway right now.

Thanks for listening,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:28am

I agree with the way you handled this - it is GREAT that you said he should go. Jarod is all about me and not about you. He is immature. It is wrong that he would have an issue with you being on the phone - it sounds too controlling to me. And even worse that he took 5 calls when he was with you. And I don't like that he is trying to push the affection after you said you don't want that. It would only get worse with him.

You HAVE to be selfish.

I think you have to learn to fill in the time away from dd with other things besides dating. Find an activity and friends. You need time right now to get your life together. It is okay to date but you should do so in limited fashion and keep it very casual.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:46am
For a man to be divorced with such a young child is a big red flag, unless they had been seperated for years and the baby isn't his or his wife cheated and the baby isn't his. Otherwise, it's not most women who would want to get rid of a man just having had a new baby unless something was seriously wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:17pm
That is a good point - and one worth investigating.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:25pm

Well...this guy isn't married and never has been. He's only been in one long term relationship, so he says, and it wasn't with his baby's mother. He had a short "fling" with a girl I know and she wound up pregnant. They had split up 3 weeks before she found out she was pregnant. During that time, which is odd, she decided that she wanted to try her hand out with the same sex...who knows. So, he stuck around for the pregnancy and she started dating and moved in with a girl. So, that's a little odd to me too - being pregnant with a man's baby and then deciding that you don't like men anymore. (Not that I'm knocking her or her life, it just seems a little odd to me.) Furthermore, is it a little odd in this day and age for a man who's 32 not to have ever been married or at least in a significant relationship with someone?

Oh well...he's called me twice today. I didn't answer the first time but I did the second. He just wanted to tell me that I needed to take some books back for class or something.

I do feel a little down about all of this in some odd way, but it'll pass. I don't really know why I feel bad at all. Some part of me feels like I should call him and see if he has anything to say. The other part of me just feels like I should drop it and leave it alone. He's not what I want, I know that, but like I said earlier...he was really just an excuse to do something with dd is away (bad huh).

Who knows...but thanks for the advise everyone!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:05pm

Kait:

I'm a little late, but I wanted to add something.

I think if you want to go out with the doctor on Saturday, go ahead. You will know after the first date whether you like him or not. And if you want to see him again, that would be a sure way to get rid of Jarod once and for all. I know the kind of person you are -- because I am the same way. I don't want to hurt anyone either, and it's hard for people like us to be selfish. But, as time goes on, and you get more tired of the BS, you will get more selfish. It might be something you have to teach yourself. I know I have to teach it to myself. But, after my big drama last week, I decided that I am no longer going to wear my heart on my sleeve. I've got a great story. Over the last week, I have confided in one of my friends, and I have learned a lot from her. She told me to date, but be careful, and don't let all your emotions out there right away. My friend dates a lot, but she keeps a wall up there, emotionally and physically, so as not to get too close. And I know people would think that's stupid, but there is a reason she does it. She has an inoperable brain tumor. She was supposed to be dead 2 years ago. Every Christmas she lives to see, marks another milestone. She told me that she doesn't want to get all involved with someone because she can't offer anyone a long-term commitment. But I think she enjoys the company and it is a distraction away from her illness. And I can't tell you how many times this past week I told myself that I wish I could be more like her. Maybe not to her extreme, but just be out there, but be careful to not get too wrapped up too quickly. I fall hard and fast, and that is something that I am working on.

"Furthermore, is it a little odd in this day and age for a man who's 32 not to have ever been married or at least in a significant relationship with someone?" I know that scenario all too well. Personally, I'm tired of that kind of guy, but that's just me.

You said "he was really just an excuse to do something with dd is away (bad huh)." No, I don't think it's bad. Lots of people do that. As long as your intentions are clear and it's not malicious, and you are not leading anyone on, I think it's ok.

Give yourself some credit. So far, you are handling things very well, and I don't think there is anything wrong with going out to pass the time. However, I do agree that getting some other interests, besides dating, is a good thing too. If my date with Jeff falls through for this weekend, I will have lots of things I can do at home while my kids are gone. I've been alone for 8 years now, and believe me, it gets easier as time goes by. And being alone gets to be a blessing some time.

Good luck to you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:32pm

Thanks Donna - and everyone else too.

I know I keep harping on all of this, and there's really no need to, but I can't help it. When I started dating a different guy in July (right after I kicked my exh out AGAIN) I jumped in head first. When that was over and went through my whole feeling bad phase, I decided that I wasn't going to go that fast with anyone again. Like Donna, I fall hard and I fall fast. However, I just have a different mind set right now. I'm not looking for love, I just want to go about my life and have some fun along the way.

Jarod called me again today and wants to see me. I figured that after last night it was done with, I mean, that's how it felt to me. But evidentally he doesn't feel the same way. So, I might see him later and just tell him how I want things to be. It'll be hard, but I guess it's just something that I'm going to have to do. I guess I'll just tell him that I'm not ready for a big committed relationship right now and I would really prefer to just take things slow. I don't need a bf in my life right now with all the drama that I'm going through. If he can't understand that, then he's not worth it, right? I don't want another guy like my exh. I do find Jarod to be controlling in some ways, just not to the extreme that I think it could lead to. He's told me before that he is a jealous person and that he does have a temper. He also happens to know my exh, and the other day, without my knowledge, he called him and threatened him. For what reason, I don't know. I don't talk about my exh to Jarod, mainly b/c I feel that it's not his place to be involved in matters that involve me, my dd, or my exh. Whatever the case, he found out some of the stuff that my exh has done and said to me through mutual friends, and he took it upon himself to be the self proclaimed protector of my life and my dd's life.

I don't know. When I posted the first time about him a little while ago, he was being so completely different. I just feel like now he's seeing me as his property. Maybe I should just end it all together with him.

As for the doctor...lol...I was completely giddy after I got off the phone with him. I've known him for about 2 years. He's a family friend, not to mention my dd's pediatrician...lol. The only bad thing about that is if it doesn't go well I'll feel uncomfortable when I have to take my dd to see him. Oh well...he's very professional so I don't think that will even really be an issue if it does ever come up.

So, bottom line is that I'm going to have to be honest with Jarod and tell him that I like spending time with him (when it's good) but I think that it would be best if we weren't a "couple" (in his eyes) and just dated people. Why is that a bad thing? I think that if two people are truly meant to be, then it will happen (maybe that's immaturity talking, who knows).

Thanks all,
Kait

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