Okay, I let him know how I feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Okay, I let him know how I feel
2
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:40am

First I want to say how much I appreciate everybody's response to my last post. You all brought up very good points. There was an incident last night that REALLY ticked me off and I think it was just the perfect time to let it all out. Last night my son had a baseball game and my boyfriend was there which he has gone before to support my son. I was distant but not totally rude. My mom, stepdad, sister, and neice where there too so there was talk amongst all of us. Well, we get ready to leave and are walking to my car and he asks what is wrong. I told him that I just had a lot on my plate right now and I was doing a lot of thinking. He automatically asks if any of it is him. I said not really. He was like whoa! I didn't want to talk about it right then and there because my son was in the car...hello! Well, after he went to his truck and drove off, I got a call from him and he was on the verge of tears! He said that I didn't even look at him more than once and that the way I was acting was killing him...like I didn't want anything to do with him. Now, this call is in front of my son mind you...THAT ticked me off. I told him that I was sorry I made him upset and that I didn't realize I had acted that way. I also told him that I would talk to him later (he had company coming over to his house). Well before the company could come over and I had JUST finished helping my son with his homework, he called to "talk about it". I told him that I would call him back because I had to get my son settled into a bath. We talked but it was the same stuff...he loves me so much and would do anything to make this relationship work. He even told me that he would buy birth control pills every month if it would change my mood! (told him that I didn't get this way when I was on the pill) Then after my son was asleep and I was studying for my test (I am trying to finish my BA degree too) he let the phone ring one time at like 9:45 to let me know to call him without waking my son up. He told me he was sorry he acted the way he did but that my attitude really upsets him because he can't make me feel better. Well, I did a lot of thinking last night and this morning and I ended up writing him an email so that I could get EVERYTHING covered. I was very nice in the email but I made it clear that I thought we needed to slow down a bit. I mean, we haven't been dating 2 months yet and he is talking marriage, kids, living together, etc. and HE ISN'T EVEN DIVORCED YET!!!!!! That REALLY scares me and I told him so. I told him that I didn't think he had allowed himself enough time to spend time alone to find himself again and to figure out what he wants. I talked about possessiveness, jealously, his strong feelings for me, spending less time with me while I had my son. BUT I pointed out his good points too because he IS a very kind person. I told him that I felt like I couldn't breathe sometimes and that I hoped he respected everything I had to tell him. I hope I got through to him. Actions speak louder than words and to see if he actually ACTS on what I want will be the kicker. I guess time will tell....

Sorry this got to be long. I guess this has just really bothered me. lol

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:24pm

So have you heard back from him yet? (((((((hugs))))))) about all this.

So many of the things you wrote just reminds me of my ex. He used to make comments about stuff like you said, about your BF getting you birth control pills "to change your mood". my ex used to tell me I should get antidepressants to "fix my moods"- when HE was the more moody one of the 2 of us! But he never saw that! So it's like your BF thinks the problem is YOU, and the solution is to FIX YOU. He just doesn't understand for a lick of a second, that although problems in a couple generally comes a bit from both people- not *all* of it is because YOU need fixing, and there's NOTHING *he* is doing wrong. He just tries and tries and nothing works, is what he says. Well, it's because he is trying to FIX YOU and that is not the problem or the solution!!! Of COURSE his efforts aren't solving anything!! He should look at fixing some of HIMSELF first!!!

Of course, he won't see that. My ex never saw that. Even when we were at the end of our marriage, and trying to decide on counseling to see if we could save it... he tells me that he (the supportive hubby he was) would go with me to counseling to see what was wrong with me, so we can work this out. Oh, geez... he never ONCE admitted that the problems in our marriage was US, not just ME. And I never said it was JUST him... it was "WE need to go to counseling" but he would always say "You need counseling and I will go to support you". I knew then- that whatever couples counseling we had- he would get nothing out of it, because HE is never the problem.

It was always how *I* was making him feel this way, or how I was making him react that way, or whatever.

Jen... I want to scream so loudly for you to break it off with this guy. I see so much of my ex in him... and how you will have this battle forever with him. He will get mad at your for stuff (because you caused it) and then he will apologize for it if you get upset back at him (because you KNOW you're not doing something wrong)... and the chain of events just keep repeating themselves.

You will NEVER spend enough time with him or give him enough attention to satisfy his needs. It'll always be "not enough" and family or kids or friends or yourself... is (in his mind) always going to "get in his way" of him having control over you.

Please run. I see SO many red flags (flags that I didn't see or chose to ignore with my ex).

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:34pm

I think you did the right thing by sending him an email. He can disagree with what you say, but you aren't left defending the same point over and over without covering the rest of them. I hope you used yesterday as a good example of how he's pushing too hard too fast.

The one thing I have learned is that both people really do need to be able to communicate their wishes, and that it definitely helps when those wishes are the same. I could never be with someone who felt that I shouldn't have my own time, but at the same time I do need regular contact. it's a fine line, and one that confuses a lot of people.

Good luck, and please keep us posted!

Moody, impatiently waiting to know his response


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