Okay more questions

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Okay more questions
6
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:23pm
I'm tired of being bored with my life. I don't date. Why? I have no time. I'll have to make time and I know that but do any of you have any experience with this online dating thing? I have met online several guys. I just want to get out into the world again. I'm not looking for a husband just to meet some people. How does this thing work? I don't have a picture online partly because I don't know how to and partly because I don't want stalkers and I work in the mall. I know certian things like to meet them somewhere public and do something public. But how long does one talk to someone online before meeting them? Are you suppose to talk on the phone first? How do you know if they are a creep if you never meet them? Well I know part of the answer to that one and tell quite a few to drop dead but the ones I talk to everyday online ( that would be 5 of them) How do you move it off the internet? I'm not afraid to be forward and honest however I've been told by my friends that is not my best quality. Matter of fact my friends told me not to be me when I meet someone. My laugh is annoying and I talk too much and too fast. They all tell me I'm someone you have to know for awhile before you can appericate me. I've been told when your not looking you'll meet someone but I've not been looking for 4 years and I've got to try something. I've always been able to make things happen for myself why not this?
Does anyone have any advice for me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:55pm

I've tried online dating. While I didn't meet the love of my life, I also didn't meet any creeps. Obviously, you know you meet in a public place. I like coffee shops around midafternoon. They aren't usually too crowded, you can talk, it's daylight, they are public, the atmosphere is friendly, and drinking/holding the coffee cup gives you something to do. It also doesn't take too much time or money, which makes it an easygoing, casual first meeting place.
As far as being you, though, I have to completely disagree with your friends. Let's just assume you went along with what they said and acted like someone else for a while. You meet someone, you like him, he likes you, then six months later he finds out it isn't the real you he likes at all, but some phony? That's not going to go over well at all. Act like yourself. The right perosn will like you for you, and the wrong ones can take a flying leap. You don't have to be liked by everyone. That's what dating is, finding the right person. This might mean going on eighty first dates with the wrong one first. We've all been there. Some of us are still there.
But if you read the stories of those women who post here who have found the right man for them, you'll probably agree that dating is worth it. And if you decide that it isn't, know that being single isn't a life sentence unless you want it to be, but you have to be okay with it.
My point is that only you know if you want to be casually dating several men, seriously dating one man, in a relationship with someone, married, or single. Whatever you choose is perfectly fine, as long as you're perfectly fine with it. Your relationship status does not define you as a person. Who you are and how you live your life defines you. Being bored isn't a valid reason for entering into a relationship, and it isn't fair to you, or to your potential partner. If you're bored, take up skiing or knitting or scuba diving or archery or fencing or yodelling or painting. Only you can make you happy.
And yes, it may be true that we'll find love when we aren't looking, but I'm willing to bet that it won't come knocking our doors down while we're sitting on our couches. I know for myself, a personal goal is to try one new thing each week. It doesn't have to be a big thing, even just a different place for lunch or talking to a stranger on the bus, but I'm trying to do one thing I wouldn't normally do. I've found that since I'm consciously looking for new things to do, I'm doing more than one thing a week, and it's helping me feel like I'm "out there" more, even though it's only in very small ways.

Moody- stepping off her soap box now


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:07pm
I couldn't agree with you more, Moody!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:20pm

I couldn't have said any of that any better, Moody!! I totally agree!

I did find my current hunk-of-Hiker-man with online dating, but I know OLD isn't for everyone. I've met some not-right-for-me men who are totally decent and nice men. They just weren't quite the right match for me. I've also had some emails with some creeps too- but never met any of them IRL because once my "creep and jerk radar" starts going off, I stop communicating with them. I just think you have to be in tune with your gut when you do OLD because you aren't seeing them face-to-face when you first start talking, as you would if meeting in person the old-fashioned way.

I also think dating or getting into a relationship out of pure boredom is the wrong reason to get involved with someone. Moody really did just say it all.

~shrimpy, singing back-up

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 7:25am
Well I always try new things and I talk to everyone around me. I say hi to people I don't know. When I rode a bus I talked to everyone. I guess the point is I'm an out there kinda person. I guess I just want some friends. The freinds I have now are great but when boyfriend world is good they stay home. When boyfriend world is bad I don't care if I ever find a man. I'm afraid of nothing in this world. I'm just bored. I know that I will go to work in a couple of hours and work will be fun. I'll talk to over 100 people today or more. Fridays are always fun one of my favorite people works on Fridays in the mall. I love her she is great. But tonight when I'm closing and my staff is trying to get out of there I know I'll come home and watch TV and go to sleep and do it again tomorrow. I know that New Years I'll work come home watch tv call the kids at their dad's wish them a happy new years and go to sleep. The best part about New Years day for me is that I have to go to work on time and the first guests of the day at Cinnabon will be this lady and her husband. They will be there right when I open and get the same thing every year. It is her birthday and they are both diabetic but on her birthday they both come in and have a Cinnabon. Two of the nicest people I have ever met. Is it sad I look forward to seeing them each year. I don't know. Thanks. Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 8:35am

It is great that your job allows you to be social.

Maybe you just need to try something new - like a class? Or volunteer group?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:09pm

Moody pretty much covered it. Some other practicalities: There is an iVillage message board specific to that subject (you can link to it from this board by scrolling through the related boards menu to the right). There is a wealth of info if you go back through a few weeks messages on that board. OLD is not for everyone. Generally, people e-mail back and forth a week or so, whatever you are comfortable with, then usually the guy will either give you his phone number or ask for yours. Most women only give out their cell phone number. Also the guy usually suggests meeting and you can respond with a coffee place. Agree w/ Moody, afternoon at Starbucks or other coffee shop is a good way to do the first meeting. Keep it low key, very public so either party can bail if things turn out awful. Talking on the phone before meeting is a good idea. You get a better sense of the person, one more opportunity to rule him in or out.

I also don’t know about not being yourself. Eventually you’ll have to stop acting. We all put on our best behavior when first meeting someone, so controlling bad habits is a no brainer at that stage. But eventually, you’d hope to find someone who genuinely likes you as you are, you know- a real friend.

And you can’t “make it happen” because you can’t control other people. You can be proactive and give yourself as many opportunities to meet people as possible- online as well as in real life. When I met my BF (IRL) I wasn't looking to for a serious relationship, but I was actively dating through OLD. I think the concept that love finds you when you aren't looking for it is more because when you are goal oriented with dating, guys perceive that as too intense, too desperate. When you have the take it or leave it attitude, you are more relaxed, more yourself, then are more likely to recognize someone who will love you as you really are.

I personally had a lot of fun with OLD and did it for the same reasons as you are- not intending to find Mr. Right, just for getting out and having fun. But you do have to watch out for the guys who interpret that attitude as just looking for “friends with benefits”. I never had a date with a creep, but I had e-mail from a few. But that is easy to just hit delete and ignore.