Is this okay or not? Input, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Is this okay or not? Input, please!
9
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 4:18pm

Hey ladies - I haven't been posting much, just lurking, because I haven't had much to post about, but I have a question.

I feel very strongly that I do not want my daughter (9 m.o.) meeting a guy I am dating until we have reached the point where I know it is fairly serious. Okay, that being said, I met this really great new guy at church a couple weeks ago and this past Sunday he asked me out. My daughter knows him, just from them waving back and forth and sort of playing long distance during the service. First he asked me out for a drink, but when I told him I don't yet have a local babysitter (we moved a few months ago), he suggested that the three of us go out for an italian ice one evening this week. That seems innocent enough, so I accepted. We spoke on the phone later in the day and seem to get along fabulously. He even suggested that if we have a good time on our first outing together, maybe we can go to a local fair that is taking place this weekend, which of course would also include her.

So, is this okay, or not? I feel like it is somehow because he is someone that she and I met at church together, but am I just making excuses? It is not like we would be making out or anything in front of her. She is a very happy and content little girl - she loves italian ice and being out and about, so she would have a blast being out with mommy - there would just be an extra person along.

What do you think? Is this a bad idea? Will it somehow scar my daughter if we don't ever go out with him again or we do continue to hang out with him, but then stop for some reason?

I am so new at all this and just want to be sure I am doing the right thing as far as my daughter, as she is the number one consideration before I do anything in my life!

Any input?

TIA!

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 7:17pm

Hello and welcome to our board,

I would not want to take a 9mo on a date, especially a first date. I think you should really try to get a sitter. Why don't you ask him for a little time so you can find one that you like. Honestly if you are at all serious about dating you should have one. After a while when you feel comfortable and you think the relationship is going to work then you can get the two of them involved.

I just think the one on one time, especially in the beginning is important to get to know someone. And you are going to need a sitter for more dates and doing other stuff. So now is just as good a time as ever.

Whatever you decide, we are always here - hope you stick around.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:26am

Hi Samantha,

Good to see you delurking!

I think that if you're having reservations, you should listen. While it's easier to do things that will include your daughter, it might not be the best situation. I don't think your daughter would be scarred for life if you hung out with this guy and then stopped, but YOU'RE not getting 100% opportunity to get to know this guy.

When you're out with your daughter, you're in "mommy mode" not in "date mode". Meeting up for an italian ice is fine, but always meeting up with your daughter in tow doesn't afford you the time to get to sit and learn about this man. You'll be distracted by your daugther and of course her needs will come first.

Perhaps you could put up a notice at the church inquiring for a babysitter? I'm sure that there's some teenage kids who would love a little cash here and there, and hopefully given that they attend church, they're trustworthy.

You don't mention if she sees her dad or not, or if family would be willing to help out.

Good luck!







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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:07pm

Thanks for the input! I still am not 100% certain what I am going to do. I actually feel comfortable with bringing her along because we are just meeting him after dinner for about 1/2 an hour. He and I talk on the phone quite a bit and she knows him, like I said, so it is not a real "date" per se. Believe me, when and if we decide we want to do that, she will be nowhere in sight! :)

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:34pm

If you're comfortable with having her there, then do.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:11am

Alison -

We are going to keep it VERY brief, believe me. He is really into me already just through telephone conversations, and although it is flattering, he is smothering me, believe it or not! I am not a big phone person, first of all, so telephone calls every night for no particular reason just are not my thing. Second of all, last night he started trying to hone in on the times that I don't already have something scheduled for this weekend. He apparently cleared his schedule so that he could be available Sunday and Monday since Amber and I are spending Saturday at my parents' place. I kept telling him to wait and see what happens, etc., but I think I need to be more direct.

I have always been independent and needed my own space, but since I have become a Mom, that is even more so. I love spending time with Amber and really enjoy and need time just to myself. So, tonight when he calls (which he will and he'll probably call me on my cell during the day to remind me that he is going to call tonight), I'll have to tell him that he needs to chill a bit, or we are going to be done before we start! I would enjoy having a relationship in my life. But, right now I just want something casual, no major commitment (not casual sex, just casual in terms of the overall relationship). If a relationship becomes something more down the line, then that's cool, but this is too much already, right off the bat.

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:37pm

I think it's best to leave kids out of the dating process. Not that it would scar her, I really don't know about that, but taking kids on dates does not give you a chance to get to know the man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:47am

To all (I don't know how to do that above):

I am going to take Amber for ice tonight and he will meet us there. Then I think that will be the last time I bring her along to such a thing. I agreed to meet him, so I will do it, but this is it. She comes first and I just don't feel very comfortable with the whole thing - not only does it make it difficult for me to get to know him, but I think it puts her in a place that is inappropriate for her and that is really what bothers me.

Thanks for all of your input!! It helped make me realize that I am not just being a paranoid mom. I am so new at all of this, it helps so much to have the input of those with more experience!

Thanks again!

Samantha
Proud mommy to Amber - who always comes first!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:52pm

Samantha,

oh honey, you are singing my song!!

I'm talking about guys in general here, so bear with me. :)

Sometims guys who are so into us get so overzealous! "No babysitter, no problem! Bring her! I love kids!" I'm sure in these guy's heads it makes them look like a hero to us. I think they are convinced that we'll be thinking: "Oh, he's so great, he doesn't mind my kid at all. Isn't that sweet!"

Well, no, not really.

It's all good and well that a guy likes kids. Especially our kids. But a guy who wants to see us and will just offer that as an option is only showing how innocent he is about single mothers. It's very difficult to explain to a guy without hurting his feelings or him thinking we are using our children as an excuse. It's not that you don't want to be around our kids, but there is that part of us that needs adult time with a guy and needs to get to know the guy before we are constantly doing "just bring the kid" things. Whoever said "you are in mommy mode" is so true. Plus, the guy just keeps saying how cute and sweet and awesome your child is the whole time. That isn't getting to know YOU, that is them paying all the attention to your child in politeness to you.

So yea, I do think it's great that guys are so into us sometimes that the kids are more than welcome...it bodes well for them in that respect, but I always feel like they should be more willing to get to know ME before they start romancing me through my kids.

I bet this guy is REALLY nice, he just seems a little innocent about dating is all. He seems to be in super boyfriend mode. Calls all the time, wants to see you all the time, doesn't want to screw it up by having you doubt for a minute he might not be into you, so he does what he thinks girls want instead of asking you what YOU need. I hope he's the kind of guy who can listen and actually HEAR you...I had one of these guys and no matter what I said, he never could "get it."

good luck!

--snow,
who would love to write a book entitled "Romancing the Single Mommie, A Beginner's Guide."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:35pm

Snow -

You are so right on! He is super nice, but almost to the point of nauseatingly so! As I think I might have said before (or maybe not in these words), I am going to tell this guy that all I want right now is a casual relationship - go out once in a while (and only without Amber) and cut way back on the phone calls. I am not his girlfriend. He is not my boyfriend. We are not a couple. We are not exclusive. Just getting to know each other.

He said that in the past he has been impatient in relationships not moving forward fast enough. Boy oh boy this is really going to test him. I do not go out all the time because my focus is being a Mom to Amber. Therefore, it is going to take that much longer for us to get to know each other and for the relationship to potentially grow.

We'll see how he reacts tonight. At least he seems to have gotten the fact that I am sick of all the phonecalls - he hasn't called yet today and, believe me, that is saying a lot!

When you write that book, I'll keep a stockpile of them for any potential guys in the future to read! Sounds like an excellent topic that needs to be written about!

Samantha