ok...I gotta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
ok...I gotta
19
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:40am

Ok, I need to spill this...it's making me nutso


I've had 3 emails from trav in the past 2 weeks, 2 of them wishing me a happy valentine's day. He mentioned he's in the area. hint hint...


I am so conflicted about the idea of being in touch with him again. He is writing me more now than when we were seeing each other. More text, less icons. I have been just NOT thinking

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:45am

Oh dear. This IS hard for you. I am relatively new on the scene with you and Trav so I don't really know the whole story - but the gist is that you liked him but he didn't fill your needs - he is really into the military career travelling thing and not hear for you plus you sense he won't be?

I think right now you have to be strong and not contact him. I say this because you seemed pretty adamant before when I quizzed you that he won't ever be capable of filling your needs. I am afraid for you that if you start contacting him you will open new wounds and not be able to move on and find someone special.

On the other hand, not contacting him will show you his intentions. He has to really come back STRONG - with a chariot and 6 white horses - to get you back. He has to come back with what you want or it is not worth your time. Does that make sense?

This has been my way of handling an xbf that I once liked a LOT but who would not be able to give me what I want. He sends emails and cards from time to time. I am really over him now so it is easy to ignore them. But my first instinct/reaction was to wait and see what he would do. A card or email is nothing. But if he would have called and come here and said what I wanted to hear that would be a different story.

I hope this helps.

How do you feel now? Do you really feel you would ever have a chance with him as he is now? Or would he have to change too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:01pm

What would you want to happen if you did see him? Is it the companionship? Or is it because there is hope for a future together?

I don't know the history either, but I agree with what west said. If he's not going to meet your needs and there is no chance of it working out, what is the point? Wouldn't you just end up hurt and disappointed?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:08pm

I didn't write him for two months. And I would never have written him again. I wanted to a few times, but talked myself out of it and have been looking for someone to put "between me and him"...to forget and move on.


He wrote me, out of the blue. A friendly email...I responded with some chatty news and how well I'm doing and I thought "well, that will be it for another year or so"...but he wrote me again to wish me happy V-day. I told him I was doing good and had been accepted to grad school, and that I didn't really have time for v-day this year.


He wrote me again and wished me a happy belated v-day.


It's very hard because if I were ever with him again, I know my feelings for him as a person have NOT changed. That's why it was so hard to break it off in the first place. It was never him, it was the situation. And if I hadn't broken it off, he wouldn't have...


It would have to be different, and I don't know if he could or would be able to make it different enough. His original "plan" was to know each other several years, I'm not up for that. And he'd have to let me into his life a LOT more...


I don't know...I really don't.


Maggie, you out there lurking?

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:17pm

Oh wow!
I wish I had the tranquilizers to give ya! haha.

I think you have to ask yourself, has anything really changed? Can he offer you more now than he did then?

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:18pm

You want gut honesty? If he'd let me I'd be his slave. LOL...he's admirable, and smart, and fun.


It's not that easy though and he would never let me do that. I need to be independent and have my own life and my own career. I need to get my Masters to be who I want to be and he KNOWS this. And he believes in me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be doing graduate school now. He very sweetly gave me the confidence I needed, by having full confidence in me. And one of the last times we were together, he made me PROMISE that I wouldn't give up when classes, etc got hard. It got me through the first couple of weeks of class, and I remembered it even when I was applying for grad school and hit glitches.


From the first time we talked he made no bones about wanting me in his life, friendly or otherwise. I even put him off a couple of times to try out other men. When I was done, he was there and ready to meet me.


It wasn't perfect and HE's not perfect. He is very smart and can come off as a know it all, but it's usually because he does know it all. *sigh*...really irritating. I can say whatever I want around him though. He loved that I'm a smart ass (when I'm talking aobut something where I know it all). And he said I always made him laugh, which...if you know his lifestyle, is saying a lot.


For us to be together again, he'd have to be here more, and open up to me...and make some kind of solid commitment really soon. But, it could be a moot point...I have no way of knowing if that's what he wants or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:25pm

>>>For us to be together again, he'd have to be here more, and open up to me...and make some kind of solid commitment really soon. But, it could be a moot point...I have no way of knowing if that's what he wants or not.<<<

Good for you for breaking it off when it wasn't headed where you need it to. That takes a lot of strength and conviction. Why not ask him? He's hinting he's around, that you might be able to see him... so just say what you want to say. Tell him you would love to see him again, but you want to know if x, y and z are possible first. What do you have to lose? If he doesn't answer or he disappears, then you won't be conflicted about being in touch with him anymore, right? And if he says what you want to hear and you believe him, then give him a chance to put his money where his mouth is.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:39pm

you know, you are absolutely right. I've done ok without him, I have other options and will have more. If he is with someone else it will be a hit, but I can take it. And it will be closure.


I wrote him and said


"ok, I'm taking the gloves off and asking you what I really want to ask. Games are fun, but not between us.


How are you? Are you with someone new? (if you are it will be a hit, but I can take it) Are you happy? Do you want to see me again? If we did get together again, would anything be different?


wow, that feels better. Have a great day trav."


He knows I'm direct and we've never pussyfooted around about things. This way I'll know and I can get on with it. What was I thinking?


Thanks hon

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:42pm

Good! I was just going to tell you to ask him what he wants and to TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT for it to work.

Did you ever tell him this:
>>>For us to be together again, he'd have to be here more, and open up to me...and make some kind of solid commitment really soon. But, it could be a moot point...I have no way of knowing if that's what he wants or not.<<<

??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:49pm
Good! No more torturing yourself. If you get an answer you want from him, great, if you get one you don't like, fine too. The ball is in his court.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:51pm

That's pretty much what I wrote him. Any more detailed conversations can be later.


It may be that he is with someone and that's why he felt ok writing me. If so, I have already decided to do without him, so I'll be ok. If that's not what he's thinking, he has the chance to say so.


*phew*....what a relief.

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