OMG...I just got up and left

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
OMG...I just got up and left
4
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 4:44am
Hi, I haven't been here in awhile but I thought did something emabrassing. This past Friday I went to court and was awarded my child support and divorce. The divorce part although it shouldn't of been a shock it was. I didn't take the classes yet that you need in my state to get a divorce, they are parenting classes. So when I went to court by myself, because I could find noone to go with me, I have painic attacks, and I was afraid I would have one and I didn't want to got, but did, as the judge awarded me so much in child support, she also said I'm granting your divorce today, I thought I would die, wasn't expecting that. Anyway's, I've been a online dating thing for awhile I talked with some interesting men, and I have been talking with this one man in particular, for about three weeks online and on the phone, so anyway's on Monday Valentines day we decided to meet at a resturant for dinner. I've seen his picture's and knew a little about him etc.. I wasn't nervous about meeting him at all. Well, I got their around 7:30 pm and met him, nice looking, friendly, he was a lawyer not that that matters. Anyway's, about 30 min's into our conversation I got all panicky, and nervous he was dooing everything to help me relax, I just couldn't. I wasn't worried about my ex or anything, my oldest daugher whose eleven, heard on me on the phone making plans, so when I got off she lostit, crying and saying what are you doing. I calmed her down and we talked for awhile before I left and she was fine with it, and even offered to help me dress. So, I don't know if that contributed to my behavior, at around 8:15 I just looked at him and said I'm sooo sorry I have to go, and I got up and walked out. I was so embarassed the whole way home, I couldn't beleive I did that to someone. And, on the way home I felt sooo much better, when I walked through the door and my three girls said what are you doing home, I said I got lost, and my oldest looked at me like what? I went up stairs changed back into pj's washed my face and sat on my bed. She came in and said, mom what happened and I looked at her and started to cry she came over and hugged me and said, the same words I said to her earlier that nite, "it's going to be hard for a while to except the changes in our live's, but these things take time and we will work through,them", I just hugger her. I told her thank you for being a good daughter, and she asked what happened and I said to her, I want you to be my daughter as well as my friend and being my daughter is more important then being my friend right now so when you are older we will talk about this, as for now let's just be mother and daughter. I don't want to explain dates to her at all, I don't want to be one of those mothers who are friends first, then a parent. So, has this happened to anyone before, when do you finally feel comfortable being out in public with another man?
~~Laura~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 8:09am

That hasn't happened to me, but I wouldn't worry. It sounds like you aren't ready to date yet. I am sure the guy understands. Did you email him or anything? Maybe let him know you just aren't ready to date.

There is another phenomenon in my family - something other than a mom being a friend. That is the child acting as the mother. My grandmother did this to my mom. My grandmother couldn't handle things so my mom ended up being the mom, taking care of the 4 other children and doing the cooking (if dinner sucked, my grandpa would dump it over grandma's head, if my mom had cooked it didn't matter how good or bad, he'd sit there and eat it). My mom did not do this to me, but when she divorced I saw the pain she was in, crying all the time, sitting up late waiting and hoping for my dad to show up. I would sit up with her and comfort her. When he moved out she told us what was happening, and she says my response that it was good becuase she wouldn't have to cry anymore. She says there were other instances of her struggling and me trying to comfort her. She see's this as something she passed on to me, the need to be the mom to your parent. I honestly don't think it was detrimental to me, probably because she was aware of it and kept it from going too far. From my perspective I was always the child, it wasn't anything compared to what she went through as a child (she really was responsible for most everything at a very young age). I think the way you handled it with your daughter is great, you let her know she is still the daughter and that is the most important.

Maybe you can take a break from dating for now, and give it another try when you feel ready. Do you have a therapist to help you with the panic attacks? I am guessing they are worse when your stress level is high? Going to a counselor can help you relieve some of the stress and anxiety.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 8:51am

Hugs, Laura,

I think you did very well with your daughter - you were honest but clearly defined the mother daughter relationship.

Sorry to hear you had such a bad time and a panic attack on your date. While I have never had one of those to that extent, I think I can relate to how you feel. It seems that you had an emotional overload with being handed the divorce and having a date in such a short time span.

I think we all react to divorce in a different way. While you might have wanted your marriage to end, you are ending a dream that you once wanted and a feeling of stability, especially as a single mom.

I think that for right now you should just take a big chill with the dating thing. Get your stability (financial, emotional, physical) back in your life with your new situation as single mom. Take time for you and get settled. Take time to help your children adjust. As the days pass it will get easier for you.

Then you can ease back into the dating thing when you are ready.

If you are still having panic attacks then you should seek some sort of counseling - professional is best of course if you can afford it.

It might all seem overwhelming now but you will figure it out.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 11:17am

Oh hugs Laura. That does not sound like a good night at all. But honestly, I am glad you were free to just do what you needed to for YOU and not sit there and have a full blown panic attack. That WOULD have been miserable. I also think you did the exact right thing in not laying the details out for your daughter. She doesn't need that at her age. She just needs to know you'll be ok. But not to be your support. You sound like a great mom.


You know, I've never been divorced (I started out single with my son) so I don't know first hand how it is to be handed a divorce decree. But I've never known anyone that was truly just "ready to move on and get over it" so quickly after the divorce. No matter how long you've been "emotionally divorced" I think there must be something very different about it being truly final.


Just give yourself time is all I can think to tell you. It's maybe too soon for you, even though you'd like to date and feel some normalcy. I think it'd be a great idea to just "date" yourself. Go some places for YOU. Get involved in some new hobbies and go do things relating to them. Just take all the time in the world to be healthy and whole yourself.


Hugs again.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:53pm

Laura,

Online dating is extremely difficult and very different from having someone you already know ask you out. Something about the guy or the situation didn't feel right to you. Give yourself plenty of time to re-enter the dating world. Take a break from online dating. Try getting out with girlfriends instead.

Very rarely, I have a panic attack in grocery stores or the mall. It's weird when that happens and I just leave. Like I said, my panic attacks happen rarely. Maybe one in the last 2 years. If your panic attacks become a pattern, you should seek help.

In your case, I'd start with taking a break.