One more question..dealing w/flirty girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
One more question..dealing w/flirty girl
10
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 5:54pm


I just re-read my question about my guy doing things w/o me when it's my alone time with DD.
I realized I have a problem about a flirty girl who hangs out with my guy's friends.
I know this is not a single dating parent specific question, because jealosy and insecurity is a universal evil ;o) but I thought I would look for your opinions.

I have become friends with Blue Eyes best friend as well, and we go overto his house as a couple quite often. His best friend is married and I love his wife, she is great.
But the issue is with this friends neighbor. Let's call her Miss Flirt. She is married, but she makes it very well known to everone how she is UNhappily married. She "jokes" a lot about finding a better guy. She is there all time, and Blue Eyes is over there a lot as well (to hang with his friend), even when I am home with DD.
Miss Flirt has an obvious adoration for my guy. She flirts with him, right in front of me. She also drinks way too much. You can practically feel the attraction she has toward him. He has nver responded to her flirting, at least in front of me. He is just cordial and only friendly in his response or when talking to her.
I can understand her attraction to him. He's so nice, and do social, very engaing personality and not to mention his incredible blue eyes! I guess in her mind, we are not married, so he's on the market?? It just makes me mad. But, I am thankful that Blue Eyes respects me and has never seemed to even really give her much attention back except for kind responses.
Anyone experience a not-so-subtle advance on your SO from a persistant flirt?
Stories? Experiences?

I guess that I am a little bit insecure, but I am learning day by day to be happy and trusting in this relationship.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:05pm

After reading this post about the situations you're concerned with... I have to say that it is a trust issue. Do you trust Blue Eyes to NOT reciprocate the flirts she hands out? Or do you trust him to just blow off her advances and not respond?

I suppose you could always bring it up to him, and have a talk with him about how her actions make you feel uncomfortable- and see what he thinks about it all. Not to accuse him of liking/wanting her attentions- but just saying it like a simple observation you've had, like "have you ever noticed that MissFlirt seems to really come after you?" just to see what he says about it. Who knows? Maybe he doesn't care and never even noticed! Or if he's noticed, maybe he can reassure you that nothing will ever happen. But you won't know what he thinks about it, if you don't ask him.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:08pm

Hi,

I dont have any personal experience of this kind. The guy Ima seeing right now is not very social - he has good family and few friends.. and if he gets any time to be alone and do "his" things I know that would be something like biking or hiking or fixing things.. He said he used to go out party when he was in early 20s.
He is also very serious looking guy- I dont think many women will be bold enough to start flirting with him.. I would get a kick out of it if I saw someone flirting with him.. I would find it interesting.. But Iam very confident he would be a perfect gentleman even if any woman wanted to get closer to him.

Regarding your situation, I would not bother too much. Looks like he is not even noticing her flirtation. Even if he does- she is married .. so why bother. I am sure he has better sense than that to get involved with her.

I would not worry about it and may be not discuss about her with him.. In your situation I could see myself making a comment something like" she seems bit odd and drinks too much" and see what he responds.. and leave it at that. Actually you dont have anything to worry..
and in response to your previous post- I would let him do whatever he likes with his free time.. But if he loves spending time with you and DD he should be welcome.. may eb you could always have some options open for him for things he could do in or around your house just in case he likes to be around you ..
good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:20pm

I am thinking about talking to him, just out of pure intest and conversation to see if he has even noticed her come ons.
In the long run, I want to learn to be so secure with myself that I will trust him without always seeing potential problems. I am kind of a worrier but I always keep it to myself instead of telling him my issies about things like that.
If I could learn to trust 100 percent (unless he proved he is not worthy of that trust) Ithink life would be easier and our realtionship even better.
Afterall, there will always be "that flirtacious girl" in life, if not her, then someone else. And I really don't want to feel the uncertainty.

<<good luck.>>>
Grreat idea! I DO have some shelves to put up and a leaky sink LOL.

thanks for your thoughts :o)

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:24pm

I agree, it is a trust issue. And to be honest it is not even about him or his actions...it's about me and how I am feeling about Blue Eyes in my life.
I have never been with someone so gregarious and fun loving. I would not change that for the world, but I need to find a way to trust openly and without holding back, because as of yet he has never proven otherwise untrustworthy.

Now if anyone has the magical *trusting* wand, please let me know! :o) I need a good dose.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:31pm

Well, the best I can do is send you some iVillage Magic Trust Dust... ;-)

I agree with you that you shouldn't start worrying about his trustworthiness unless he's done something to prove to you that he can't be trusted. Could it be an issue you've had with someone else in the past, and not really even an issue you have with BlueEyes? Be fair to him too- that you aren't letting a jerk from your past make you not trust him now.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:54pm


Yeah for the magic trust dust!

Yep, there's issues from my past and every now and then those darn demons try to reach up and get the best of me. You're so right, my guy does not deserve the residue form those disasters.

I'm going to try something I learned from someone quite some time ago...focus on the positive... it will be my new experiment :o)

Thanks for your words and thoughts, Shrimpy. I very much appreciate it.

Pacific- Showering in iVillage magic dust at this very moment

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:10pm

I don't think this MsFlirty is a real threat - I mean - married and stupid and drinks too much? Sure, her behavior is annoying - but your BF likes YOU! I think that you have every right to be annoyed and even a little bit paranoid, because that is just the way we all are, but I think you should try to realize how much better you are and just trust him unless he proves otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 4:45pm

After reading everyone's replies to your post, I think I would be a tiny bit insecure until I talked to him about it to see what HE thinks of her come-ons. As the others advised, just bring it up casually.

I have been around this one person that flirts so much around other men, it's literally sickening. I want to run and get away from her. She is that blatant with her flirting. And the bad thing is..she thinks it's cute. IMO is nothing but gross!

Who knows, he may fee like running every time she's around.

Have fun with your Trust Dust! We could probably all use a little dose every now and again.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 4:51pm

Showing a little jealousy is always cute, but make sure you more or less just mention it sometime after you saw her. Don't ask if she was at his friends house, etc. Make sure you leave for the evening, get into the car, small chit chat about the evening then say: Boy that so and so really makes it obvious that she doesn't seem like a great person the way she drinks and talks about disliking her husband. If I were (his friends wife), I would feel a little embarrassed the way she gets so flirty in front of everyone.

Then leave it to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:34pm

I think everyone gave you great advice. The only thing I want to add is that men (and women too) don't always notice when someone's coming on to them.

I find this to be especially true of people who are happy in their committed relationships. It's almost as if they're not looking for something so it has ceased to exist.

I liken this phenomenon to dieting. One study found that people who were forbidden chocolate for 24 hours ate more later than a group who was allowed to have it freely during that period ate in total.

Someone who's happy and healthy in his relationship is less likely to notice other people in a romantic way than someone who's in a miserable relationship.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your BF acted shocked or hadn't noticed if you brought it up that FlirtyGirl was coming on to him. He probably simply doesn't notice it and is nice to her because he's nice to everyone.

I have actually seen instances where the party who had been flirted with was genuinely shocked when the SO brought it up. This, however, can breed even more distrust if a SO doesn't buy the shock- no one likes to feel mistrusted, especially the innocent.

Before I ramble on any longer, let me just say that it seems as if you've got a great guy. Don't let your own insecurities drive you apart- they don't appear to be in any way founded where your current BF is concerned.

Moody, whose trust must be earned but is then unfailing


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