Opinions and or advice needed pls.......
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| Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:38pm |
Ok - I have been holding out on this info because I am afraid of the reaction it might get...but then I thought 'this is an online forum...how bad could it be....'
Here's the deal - Kazoo and I had a wonderful evening last week..he made me dinner, lots of great wine, fabulous conversation ...lots of romance. Then he dropped a major bombshell on me... he has a child that he supports but has no relationship with. My jaw hit the ground for a number of reasons. One - he really wants children and jokes about it everytime I see him (remember I have known him for many years so things are moving fast right now for us as a couple). Two - I cannot fathom not having a relationship with my own children. Three - I was adopted (1st abandonment), my father died when I was a teenager (2nd abandonment), my mother remarried and basically removed herself from the lives of my older brother and I when I was 18 (3rd abandonement)- I do not understand how people can completely forget about their children!!!!!!
I have an issue with this. Now - from Kazoo's point of view he was just an unwitting sperm donor who has to pay for the rest of his life for a one night mistake.
We talked quite a bit about this. His previous fiance was very angry about the situation, but not for the same reasons that I would be. She didn't want him to have to pay any money. I could care less about that and more about his moral fiber!!! This child is now 1.5yrs old. A great age to get to know her father even if only on occasional visits. Plus if he entered her life now, she won't have to live the rest of it thinking her father doesn't love her, didn't want her, etc etc etc etc etc. He seems somewhat open to a change of heart...but he is very bitter about having this whole situation forced on him.
Well.....that's it for now....I should mention that he is applying some pressure for me to spend some more time with him right now....hard to do with my kids and his super busy schedule ( I don't plan on introducing my children to anyone unless it turns uber serious)....
HELP!!!!
Rose

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Why does there always have to be a bombshell? I can send symptathy because I have run into bombshells on all of my post-divorce relationships - everything from not paying taxes to impotence to drinking too much to too many divorces. OMG.
I would ask him if he can get over his bitterness and see if he realizes a child is sad without knowing his dad. The only ace he has is that it is new - I wonder if having a child would change that.
I don't know rosecoloredspecs - I see 2 red flags - so soon after your recent separation and then this bomb. I can understand how you would love the attention. That is huge. But this one smells of danger for your emotions with all you have said and now is a time to rebuild not get blown away by another disappointment.
Take some time and think about it.
Plus if he has a lack of regard for his own child, how will he be with yours? That would be a little scary to me!
Wow, that is a bombshell. I'm nost sure if that would necessarily be a deal-breaker for me, but knowing now YOUR background and the fatherly abandonment issues- I could surely understand that being a deal-breaker for you.
But what stood out to me with all that was when you said that he was bitter about having the whole situation forced on him. What the fact that he helped to create a baby was a "situation forced upon him"?? That part just irks me. Now, if the mother of the child wanted support but demanded that he couldn't see the child, that would be unfair to him. But if he's bitter because he has to pay support but he doesn't care to know the child, then he really has no reason to be bitter. He was there when the baby was made, and I'm sure he was willingly there. I guess I have strong feelings about the man stepping up if he is willing to play, he should be willing to pay- because even if the child was unplanned, the fact is, she exists and should be supported. Of course, I don't know the whole story about the mother of the baby and how she is treating the whole situation- and I know that can be a HUGE factor in adding to bitterness if there are problems going on with that.
But yeah, I'd be more concerned about moral fiber than financial issues with his bombshell, too. You just have to go with your gut, Rose... and know in your heart if this really changes things or not, and if it's a true deal-breaker or not.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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Well Judy...I definitely share your reservations and I am very very conflicted over my 'relationship' with him.
So soon after my separation...I totally agree with you and quite frankly I had no intention of dating etc for a little while and certainly no designs on any kind of serious relationship for a while. I wanted to have some fun and sample the menu so to speak. But then Kazoo ended his engagement right around the same time that my marriage went kaput... and well...things happen....an innocent peck on the cheek turned into a full blown kiss and well...voila...here we are! He has always flirted with me since we first met and has even told me over the years that he loved me a couple of times. I always took it as friends but now he is saying he really meant it (we are not saying that to one another right now BTW!). I think he figured he should jump on this train before he missed the opportunity. I have always admired him and thought him to be caring and noble, funny, talented, gives back to society, salt of the earth kind of person.
So this new news shakes the very foundation....and I also agree on the fact that I know this is the time to rebuild and not get blown away again. I am very concerned about that happening and I am in major protection mode. Kazoo wears his heart on his sleave whereas I have been very guarded about my own feelings.... My head and my heart are in conflict over this one....
Well Shrimpy - your questions are my questions....that is exactly what I said to him "how can you be bitter? It is just as much your fault as it is hers!" I don't know all of what transpired but I do know that it was a very new and casual relationship for him and that she assured him that she was protected (again I challenged him on that one). He said he was wearing a condom (it broke)... and that they had only slept together twice. He feels that somehow this baby was an "ends to a means" and that his financial support was really ultimately what she was after -she also has two other children from a previous marriage. I don't know..... I absolutely agree with you...this baby was not planned (at least not by him) but she is here now and deserves to know her father. If he is paying child support anyway (and will be until she is finished College!) then the only part he is missing out on is the very best part! She is 50% his flesh and blood after all !
What I do know is that he very much wants a family of his own...maybe to be able to do it right. He is very interested in my children...loves looking at their pictures, wants to hear about thier activities, etc etc. I have taken the opportunity to say - you do have a child but he says "no - I was just the sperm donor".
Is it a deal breaker ...I don't know yet...it could be. I am sure we will be having many more conversations about this....
As always....Thanks Shrimpy
Rose (who has a heavy heart over this one...)
The others on this board can best help you on how to deal with this situation and give you wisdom. I wanted to share what comes up for me on your posting.
What you bring up is a great example of what I believe what happens in relationships, i.e. what we need to work on for ourselves shows up in our lives, usually in a relationship partner (not always a romantic partner). I believe what Carl Jung says about how people we attract in our lives are mirrors to us.
I pay attention to that for that points me to what I need to work on for myself.
Take care and good luck,
Mark
Thanks Mark...that is a very interesting perspective. He too feels that I would have a unique perspective on this issue due to my own experiences. But this is a funny one because I am having a difficult time understanding his point of view.
I hope I can be a conduit to helping create a relationship for the two of them. That would be my way of making lemonade out of lemons here.
Rose
The point I was attempting to make was that he is reflecting your abandonment issues. I believe if we don't address whatever issues that affect us so deeply such as abandonment then it'll keep popping up in our lives with subsequent relationships.
Mark
Hi TJ - I just wrote a fairly long response to your post but I managed to lose it somehow. I will try again....
He has not had a paternity test yet. In fact he believed that would require a needle and I know that it is just a mouth swab...painless for everyone. I asked him why he hasn't pursued this and he said that he is concerned that he will be asked to provide even more money than he already does, he pays support (a fairly decent amount) but he could be asked to provide more since he doesn't see the child.
I believe that this little girl is going to appear in his life eventually and I feel it is better if he is in control of the situation. She might be a teenager or young adult but there is a good chance it will happen one day. And then he won't be ale to hide her anymore. And people who thought he is the greatest person in the world (there are many who feel he belongs in that category) will not feel the same about him due to the way he has handled this situation. So far he has only told me and one other person and that tells me that he is embarassed both for finding himself in this position and also for the way in which he has handled it. I believe this is an albatross for him to carry and it doesn't need to be.
Thanks for your post TJ - I ttally agree that the child should not pay for the sins of the parents...
Rose
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